Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Everybody listen to me! I have a blog! I am important and cutting edge!

If you are reading this, you have chosen to visit my blog. I debated for some time as to whether I should start a blog, and I came to the conclusion that I should not. While there are a number of reasons, real and imagined, why it is a poor idea for me to have a blog, I have narrowed the list to roughly ten that I’d like to share with you.

Top ten reasons why Kevin Arthur Sawyer should never have a blog:

10) I am profoundly conservative.

9) I am exceptional at Boggle, a word-finding game by Parker Brothers. It is my obsession. I will blog about it semi-frequently. I’m not do-a-documentary-about-me-I’m-a-freak-and-obliquely-sad-but-funny-in-a-queasy-way good at it, but I’m pretty good.

8) Hummus

7) I offend/terrify people.

6) Especially women and/or babies.

5) Except for my girlfriend, who, I suspect, has been stealing from my wallet, and using the funds to convert Lemonheads Brand sour candies into crystal meth. I’m 50/50 on my suspicion, but she does scratch her face to the point of bleeding and once bashed her own teeth in with a wrench. And how else do you explain thousands of Lemonheads Brand Sour candies and a Hydrogen tank sitting in someone’s trunk? Seriously, though, I love her so much.

4.5) There is at least a 25% chance that this blog will be the cause of our break-up.

4) Swans

3) Water vapor in the air gets cold and changes back into liquid, forming clouds. This is called condensation.

2) I'm cold.

1) I have nothing, really, to say.

0) And who would listen?

-1) I’m stealing your linens as you read this.

But oh, yeah… I’m starting a blog anyway. It’s called The Problem with Kevin, for obvious reasons. You may or may not find my entries insightful. I hope not. I hate you people.


Anonymous Helen said...


This isn't funny at all. Is you're whole blog going to be like this? You were a nice person in college. I hate you now.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Matthew Terry said...

Kevin...nice starting post..I hope you blog about how you were bested by both my wife and I at your obsession.
I'm gonna check with KG about carrying over your design into your comments area (she does it on her Blogger account...so it's possible!). Cheers buddy!

12:53 PM  
Anonymous peter said...

At last...

Pope Bonifacious IX

1:22 PM  
Anonymous Kevin said...

Thank you, dead Pope.

Shout outs to Matt for the design, though your claims to Boggle winnings are but lies.

1:30 PM  
Anonymous Chad said...

Interesting.. Why do you hate us?

2:02 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

My life is now complete. If I die by being decapitated when a State Fair park and ride bus impales my car on the way home from work, I will take comfort in eternity knowing that life on Earth truly couldn't be any better now that this blog exists.

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kevin, this top 10 list (with 0 and -1) format harkens back to a certain "Trip Rules" era where your hot roomates (hello internet ladies) made funny things with words and lists. Plagerism is both wrong, and difficult to spell. If I see any pictures on your blog of Max peeing off of Half Dome, I will know you're nothing but an unorigional hack.

5:53 PM  
Anonymous David said...

A P.S. to my first comment: Does anyone know if Kevin's girlfriend is real? I think she's a literary device used to make his blogging and emails more interesting. i say, let's see a picture on this blog. that's right buddy, I'm calling you out.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous J-Retrofit said...

Very, very nice...It's about time.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Adam Omelianchuk said...

4.5 is my favorite reason.

7:13 AM  
Anonymous Rypick said...

25% seems awfully low though.

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Alix said...

I just want to say that one of my most memorable nights in college was deciding, with Kevin, that combining stats homework with vodka shots was a good idea. It began with linear regression and ended with me wrestling my roommate on a wet lawn (picture representatives of mainland China and Taiwan locked in an epic battle). I still don't understand how she won. She's not even five feet tall. Anyway, I have often credited my boyfriend with teaching me how to drink to excess but I think deep down, I know Kevin was my first.
Welcome to the world wide web buddy.

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Kevin S said...

I failed that stats class.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Thom said...

# Ten makes no sense at all. Many profoundly conservative people have blogs. In fact, if not for blogs? Where would conservatives have to go and whine about the liberal bias of the media? Well, other than Fox News, I mean.

Good luck on the blog. :)

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10:50 AM  

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