Monday, March 06, 2006

And the winner is...

You know, for an industry that specializing in special effects, the opening sequence is pretty darn bad.

Two gay jokes before the opening monologue. Who says Hollywood is tolerant?

Stewart makes it three, and then makes some self-deprecating jokes.

Ooh, a joke at the expense of the crowd’s politics. Predictably, this got no laughs.

Well, here’s the first category: Best Supporting actor. The first of the Clooney trilogy we must avoid if we want to avoid a back patting, self-aggrandizing speech. Come on Giamatti.

Ah, son of a bitch… Thank your agent, George. Just thank your agent and go. No, no… Shut up, shut up, shut up… Yes, Hollywood is the greatest pioneer in the area of civil rights. Four words for you: “Birth of a Nation”. For the record, George Clooney is proud to be out of touch.

Apparently, Tom Hanks is playing Bono in his next film. Or Jim Belushi...

Okay, so they ARE playing the music during the speeches. I thought it was a mistake. Now we can have that nervous-for-them-cause-they’re-overstaying-their-welcome feeling from the moment the winners take the stage.

Why do we have a “Best Animated Film” category? It’s not like we have a “Best Sports Film” or “Best Action Film” category.

The Grommit people have bowties. How irreverent and refreshing! One says, “If you make a bad film, you made it alone, if you make a great film, everyone makes it with you.” By this logic, they should rename “Elizabethtown” to “Cameron Crowe’s Elizabethtown.”

Dolly Parton performing a song from TransAmerica? Can Stewart refrain from making a boob joke?

Luke Wilson is getting faaaaaaaaaaat!

Speaking of which, Colleen Atwood is just ON FIRE lately. She is the Hepburn of costume design. The camera lingers on her teenage daughter for about 10 seconds. Creepy.

An ode to the biopic… Why the hell not?

The music thing is working. Everyone’s talking faster.

A salute to noir? Is a tribute to Bauhaus films coming next?

Charlize Theron is wearing a bow. Does the academy plan to offer her as a gift to Fidel Castro?

Are there zombies climbing out of the burning vehicle during the song from “Crash?” What is going on here?

I am reminded that, years ago, people respected Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves.

Oh great, a montage to the liberal movie. What would we do without Hollywood? Kill lots of blacks and Jews, that’s for damn sure. Oh, Jon Stewart made better jokes about it than I did… I wonder if Dailykos has called for his execution for his evenhandedness. Nonetheless, he’s stealing my gig. Isn’t there another gay joke he can make? Can’t he just compare Bush to a banjo and get on with it?

We are informed that six films are currently shooting in New Orleans. Expect to see a lot of disaster films over the next 10 months, I guess.

With all the nominations for “Memoir of a Geisha”, the film obviously had everything… Except good acting, writing or direction. Incidentally one of the year’s real snubs for "best score" was for “March of the Penguins”. It’s haunting, and a major reason for the film’s success.

Leroy is, in his words, “gonna eat him hot dogs.”

So now we’re getting Hollywood’s salute to, what, widescreen? Okay, forget it. If the host is going to make prepared witty remarks about the proceedings, then my job is quite a bit tougher. I need a paid joke writer.

“It’s hard out here for a pimp”. I agree, especially with dudes in leather jackets challenging each other to dance-offs while you rap. Seriously, what is the chorus from “West Side Story” doing onstage?

Ugh, Stewart again steals my thunder. Never mind.

Nice to see David Helfgott get recognized for his fine Sound Editing work.

Yeah, nobody got that one… But at least Stewart isn’t gonna say it.

I have to say, it was a weak year for the “In Memoriam” segment. Richard Pryor for your grand finale? I dunno, it just didn’t work for me. Of course, mathematically speaking, 2006 should be a boffo year for celebrity deaths.

Has anyone noticed that, since “Brokeback Mountain” came out, Wyoming has been advertising how tough and western it is? Just an observation.

Philip Seymour Hoffman wins for “Capote”. I’m delighted. His false humility might garner him an Emmy in the fall. Come on P-Hizzle. You’re good, you know it, now we know it, just admit it.

“I thought you were playing me off.” Seriously, Stewart is stealing my material. I did not expect that…

It’s official. “Memoirs of a Geisha” is the most beautiful piece of crap in cinematic history. Oscar says so.

You know, I’ve read Pride and Prejudice, and do not remember it for the life of me. I do remember the name Darcy, however, which reminds me of the aforementioned fact.

Hollywood needs more people like Reese Witherspoon. “My grandmother taught me how to be a woman.” Lovely. She’s the anti-Sarandon…

The camera people have no idea who Annie Proulx is…

Oh, Tom Hanks is presenting. Maybe he’ll explain the hair.

Did they just censor Ang Lee? What could he have said? "Jack and Ennis show all the f***** world how to love?”

It’s JACK. He’s drunk. He just mispronounced “Capote”, as though it were a Spanish dip or something.

“Crash” just won Best Picture. Not deservedly… “Brokeback Mountain” deserved it, but oh well… It’s a good film in a weak movie year.

Overall, Stewart defied some expectations with a reserved, nuanced comedic performance. That was the right tone for the evening, though I'm sure it disappointed Sean Penn. I would say that Hollywood did not make good enough movies this year to be patting itself on the back, but what else can you expect? At least it was short!!!


Anonymous peter said...

I too was pleasantly suprised by now deftly Jon Stewart managed the evening. My favorite ad lib:

"Just to update, Martin Scorcese: 0 Oscars, Three 6 Mafia: 1."

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Leroy said...

In case anyone was wondering,
I did "eat me some Hot Dogs"
and day was gooooood!

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Thom said...

You know, it's pretty clear Hollywood's homophobic right wing tendancies once again came to the forefront of the awards, only giving a couple token awards... but shutting them out of the big awards.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

The same homophobic right wing that nominated the Crying Game for a plethora of Oscars 13 years ago? And Director is certainly one of the big awards...

4:52 PM  
Anonymous Thom said...

You realize I was being totally sarcastic right?

I had a theory that there would be some on the left who would claim homophobia if the film did not win. And sure enough, I saw those accusations yesterday.

On the other hand, I am still having to listen to some on the right complain that it was nominated at all. Somehow, people got the idea in their head on the right that box office matters in the Academy Awards.

7:47 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Yeah, I didn't get the conservative line about regular people not being interested in the films, and that somehow reflecting a partisan divide. Being unable to enjoy good movies is not a virtue.

9:03 AM  
Blogger renee said...

thank you, kevin, for recognizing that tom hanks' hair is WEIRD...

and that dolly parton thing.... she is gross old woman skinny and her boobs and hair and face and everything is just gross.

12:15 PM  
Blogger j said...

Will you do these commentaries for all over-hyped tv specials. I have loved the SOTU and the Oscars. I can go to bed early knowing that all the interesting points will be covered here.

Serious - I love them!

12:39 PM  
Blogger Jerad said...

Ang Lee spoke for a free Taiwan--I read in the paper yesterday how they had to censor that line in China, but I didn't watch the end of the show on Sunday so I don't know if that's the line you heard cut out or not.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Anonymous said...

Well, that's disturbing. Maybe Fidel Castro placed a call to his Hollywood friends.

9:52 AM  

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