Monday, March 27, 2006

Bird Flu - Part 2

With the arrival of the Avian Flu in nations such as Poland, Turkey and Denmark, the pandemonium surrounding this potentially deadly virus is increasing. TPWK is highly concerned about this issue, so our crack team of researchers has been working day and night to dig up information on this mysterious disease. They have come up with a number of tips to keep you safe when the flu strikes.

1. Be sure to panic and speculate about the worst case scenarios involved. Hysteria makes the most sense when it comes to things like SARS, Y2k, and Bird Flu.

2. Free Range chickens are more likely than factory chickens to have Bird Flu. Point this out to your hippy friends with a smug smile.

3. Symptoms of Bird Flu vary, but are said to include nausea, headaches, muscle soreness, sinus pain, sore throat, itchiness, constipation, diarrhea, and cold sores. At the first sign of any of these symptoms, jump immediately to the conclusion that you have Bird Flu.

4. Chuck Norris once contracted Bird Flu, but only for long enough enough to infect his enemies with it.

5. Bird Flu can infect anyone, regardless of race or ethnicity. If any black people are infected, though, it will be George W. Bush's fault.

6. When purchasing a bird, remember that you are purchasing every bird that bird has ever slept with.

7. Citizens of Detroit have little to fear from the bird flu, as they have nothing to live for anyway.

8. Bird Flu will likely spread quickly among densely populated, poorly sanitized areas. Attending Phish concerts or Bennington college is not advised for the next five years.

9. The Bird Flu is likely to sever food distribution channels, rendering fresh, nutritious foods scarce, and even non-existent. This warning brought to you by Hormel.

10. Bird Flu: Catch the Fever!

4 Comments:

Anonymous Thom said...

I just remember what President Bush told me...a Pandemic is unlike any other natural disaster...it spreads like a wildfire.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

That Bush, he's such a genuis! He reaks of eloquence and should be elevated with such notables as Longfellow, Moore, and Machiavelli.

Wait....I think I have to throw up...must be bird flu!

4:18 PM  
Anonymous peter said...

#'s 3 and 9 are genius!

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Laura said...

"When purchasing a bird, remember that you are purchasing every bird that bird has ever slept with".

Dang, I hope my chicken salad yesterday wasn't no ho....

10:27 AM  

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