Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Democratic Platform

Today, Congressional Democrats announced their plan on national security. If elected to majorities in the 2006 elections, they promise to capture Osama Bin Laden. Below are some of the other promises the Dems have offered.

1) Will lower taxes.

2) Democratic men will stop wearing panties (yes, we're talking to you Kucinich.)

3) Will recruit more charismatic, Westwood-friendly mulattos to run in future elections.

4) Won't implement any portion of Democratic platform. Seriously people, that's just some crap we made up to please the freaks at Moveon. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

5) Family values!!!!! We like them now!

6) Will restore integrity to Congress... For 6-8 weeks.

7) Will become even more dashingly attractive and easy to understand (hellooooooooooo soccer moms)

8) We are so into Dwayne Wade right now.

9) We are adamantly against the war in Iraq. Therefore, we propose to whine about it constantly. Don't worry, we don't act on our convictions. We know it scares the crap out of you people when we do that.

10) Did we mention tax cuts? We're against those. We'll enact them though. Please elect us. We'll give you a cheeseburger! Anything man...

11) What? Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd? We got those guys under control. Besides, who hasn't wished they could drive their secretary into a river, now what I'm sayin'? Heh, heh?

12) What. You're going to vote for a third party candidate? What? Okay... Go right ahead. Cough-BUSHGORE-Cough. Oh, what? That's right baby. That's right. Just touch the blue mark on the screen. You like Joe Lieberman, don't you? That's right... That's right, baby. You want it, don't you? Yeah, you like being in the majority. That's right. Now don't tell daddy, okay?

13) Remember, no matter what you hear, we're still predominantly straight, white and protestant.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Thom said...

I thought the most popular segment of Christianity in the Democratic Party was Catholics...

# 5 is a little unfair... Democrats like family values every election cycle.

7:45 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Yeah, it's actually kinda nice when Democrats turn into Republicans for 6 months every two years, so we can actually move forward with solid policy for awhile.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

New Democratic campaign slogan to appeal to the liberal sci-fi freaks: "We grok Spock!"

12:01 PM  

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