Monday, March 20, 2006


I just got some money back from the state of Minnesota. $672 to be exact. As a Republican, I enjoy the ability to extract my hard-earned finances from the clutches of government. I feel as though I've drawn blood from a dragon, it's purple, sweaty reptile-nectar dripping down the outstretched sword of my "Schedule A".

So, what do liberals do when they receive their tax refunds? I mean, the average liberal I know makes somewhere in the vicinity of $6,400 per year. So, when they get that check for $3.43, do they feel guilty? Do they act like Liam Neeson, at the end of "Schindler's List" when he equates his material possessions to the lives they could have saved? I mean, that money could be used to purchase some sort of electric bus. I mean, you would have to pair that with the more substantial contributions of someone who has a real job, but nonetheless.

I mean, your tax refund could buy a double-latte or Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss, or it could help buy a brand new syringe for a heroin-addict, or provide a condomns for an entire high school basketball team, or help Russ Feingold scare the crap out of normal people.

But I digress. I will say that government has a good racket going here. People are giddy and ecstatic to be getting their own money back. I was happy to plunk down $155 to have a tax professional find more ways to get my own money back. But I can at least know that my hard earned dollars are going into the hands of experienced, caring civil servants who have my interests at heart. They are doing their able best to improve Minnesota schools
and build strong communities.

Yep, our government is awesome, and deserves lots of tax money. If you disagree, you don't believe in Jesus, and you also hate him.


Anonymous clint said...

I scored my "refund" today too. Being the good republican I am, I went out and bought my very own new syringes and condoms, thank you very much.

3:01 PM  
Anonymous Thom said...

I am one of those moderates...I received my state return as well.

I put the money into a new sound system, as I walked out of the store, I saw a homeless man. I yelled, "IN YOUR FACE, YOU LAZY BASTARD!" (to massage my conservative ego) and then gave him a penny (to massage my liberal half's guilt).

7:31 AM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Thom, you're an example for us all.

3:26 PM  
Anonymous Thom said...

I try. I kicked a family out of their house, tore it down and planted trees to protect some endangered moths and owls with a portion of my refund as well. I feel good, like I have made the world a little better place.

7:59 AM  

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