46 Duke Lacrosse Players Charged With Being White
DURHAM, NC. In a surprise move, Durham County grand Jury has charged 46 members of the Duke lacrosse team with being white, a charge that carries a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison. The members are also charge with misdemeanor counts of being male, affluent, and involved with sports.
"There is simply no excuse for the existence of these students," said District Attorney Mike Nifong. "We want to send a message to citizens of North Carolina that Caucasians are not acceptable."
Family members expressed anger and confusion at the indictments.
"I know there was the flap about that stripper. When it turned out she was lying, we thought we were in the clear." said Tom Reynolds, father of Sophomore John Reynolds, an all-conference wing from Portland, Maine. "He turned down Stanford for this?"
Originally, prosecutors had sought the arrests of all 47 members of the Duke team. However, it was revealed that one of the team's members, Devon Sherwood, was actually black.
"We apologize to Mr. Sherwood and his family for any inconvenience," said Nifong. "We didn't know black people played Lacrosse."
Duke University Athletics Director Joe Alleva expressed concern for the young men, but is pleased that the incident is raising the profile of college lacrosse. "People are waking up to the fact that Lacrosse is a major sport at the Division I level," said Alleva. "It's not just a club sport any more."
The arrests have stoked tensions amongst Durham's racially mixed citizenry.
"I had no idea you could be arrested just for being white," Said Phil Larson, a electrician in nearby Raleigh. "Come to think of it. I'm white, too. See, this is why people vote Republican."
Since the arrests, an attitude of apprehension has permeated the campus landscape at Duke, whose student body is predominantly white. "It's weird man. People don't know what to do." Said Junior Class President Emery Bailer, who is a white male. "Everyone just sort of lets the blacks and the Asians to the front of the line in the dining halls." Bailer is transferring to Vanderbilt University in Tennessee next fall.
"I have video evidence that I didn't touch you," added Bailer, cryptically, before darting behind a tree.
"There is simply no excuse for the existence of these students," said District Attorney Mike Nifong. "We want to send a message to citizens of North Carolina that Caucasians are not acceptable."
Family members expressed anger and confusion at the indictments.
"I know there was the flap about that stripper. When it turned out she was lying, we thought we were in the clear." said Tom Reynolds, father of Sophomore John Reynolds, an all-conference wing from Portland, Maine. "He turned down Stanford for this?"
Originally, prosecutors had sought the arrests of all 47 members of the Duke team. However, it was revealed that one of the team's members, Devon Sherwood, was actually black.
"We apologize to Mr. Sherwood and his family for any inconvenience," said Nifong. "We didn't know black people played Lacrosse."
Duke University Athletics Director Joe Alleva expressed concern for the young men, but is pleased that the incident is raising the profile of college lacrosse. "People are waking up to the fact that Lacrosse is a major sport at the Division I level," said Alleva. "It's not just a club sport any more."
The arrests have stoked tensions amongst Durham's racially mixed citizenry.
"I had no idea you could be arrested just for being white," Said Phil Larson, a electrician in nearby Raleigh. "Come to think of it. I'm white, too. See, this is why people vote Republican."
Since the arrests, an attitude of apprehension has permeated the campus landscape at Duke, whose student body is predominantly white. "It's weird man. People don't know what to do." Said Junior Class President Emery Bailer, who is a white male. "Everyone just sort of lets the blacks and the Asians to the front of the line in the dining halls." Bailer is transferring to Vanderbilt University in Tennessee next fall.
"I have video evidence that I didn't touch you," added Bailer, cryptically, before darting behind a tree.
posted by Kevin Sawyer | 12:44 PM 
8 Comments:
I know it's a satire bit...but has she been proven a liar? I've seen lots of debate...but nothing definitive (bloggers declaring she lied is not the same thing as a fact).
Hmmm... I wonder where their funding will go to if Whitey leaves...
DNA testing says she is... The point is the horrific way this case has been handled by the prosecution, and the societal factors that have made a farce out of this case.
Well, I am waiting for the Lawyers to present their cases before I assume anything is proven.
Sorry...didn't mean that as a slam. I just meant that I am still going to take a wait and see (I believe the defense claims to have even more proof).
On the other hand, I abhor jocks. Rarely do I find a guy who is both a jock and a decent human being. So it's a challenge for me to generate sympathy for them...especially the well off upper class ones. Man, jocks with cash...hate em. (yes, I am being over the top here, not quite being factual about my feelings).
A lot of Americans share your sentiment. I'm going to wait for prosecutors to introduce evidence (any evidence) before I begin to imagine these guys are guilty.
There are too many people with too many motivations (re-election for the prosecutor, money for the stripper) for me to take this stuff at face value.
Oh sure. My point was I assume they are guilty. I am just not assuming that it's over and she is proven a liar. It annoyed the piss out of me to listen to people who were not involved with the prosecution proclaiming them guilty and pronouncing sentence (I expect the prosecution to declare they are guilty, just as I expect the defense to say the opposite...that's their job. Which is what makes the outrage some people have expressed towards Missoui's defense team so funny. I mean, the defense is *supposed* to defend their client and argue why they should not be found guilty...why are people upset that they do their job??). We have not seen all the evidence from either side. Before I decide one side is guilty or the other lying, I will wait and see what the evidence is.
Correction:
My point was NOT that I assume they are guilty. am just not assuming that it's over and she is proven a liar.
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