Thursday, June 29, 2006

Marriage Master

Well, after a few days, I think I've got the marriage thing nailed down. I've learned from my mistakes, cause I'm a learner, and I have come up with a list of ten things not to say on your honeymoon.

1) Honey, I've always admired your exotic good looks. Very linear. You're sort of a poor man's Anne Heche.

2) Hey sweetie, if you're looking for reading material, I brought along a copy of my standardized test scores from high school.

3) It's not that I don't like Maroon 5... It's just that I think it's for simple people. I know they're your favorite band, but...

4) Wanna see how may hot dogs I can eat? Come watch.

5) What am I thinking? I'm thinking that it would be weird if, while we were making love, a space robot came into the room and demanded a snack. What? You asked.

6) Are you wearing the hippo pants? Why do I call them the hippo pants? Um... Cause, they remind me of... I mean, they're gray and scaly like you, I mean, a hippo. I mean... Did you know that the average hippo produces 25 pounds of feces per day? Amazing, God's creature, the hippo.

7) Wanna see my gun? No? Then RESPECT ME!!!

8) Wanna play D&D? Cause I brought my 20 sided die. Do you... No, you don't, do you? I was just kidding. Little bit of humor. But, do you?

9) I can't talk right now, honey. I just did enough whippets to kill a horse.

10) Dammit, LBJ! I said "attack". And when I say "attack", that is code for "make me breakfast". Make me breakfast, vice-president. Eggs, bacon and whole-weat toast. Dammit, LBJ, you Texas rube! This orange juice has pulp in it. If I want pulp in my juice, I'll just throw your eyebrow hairs into it. In fact, that's what I'll do. Shave, Vice President Johnson, shave!

None of the above got a positive reaction...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A Conversation Between Newlyweds

Kevin: So, honey, where do we want to eat tonight?

Khris: Um... I don't care. Whatever you want.

Kevin: Okay. How about Italian? San Francisco is known for that.

Khris: Ugh. You don't understand me at all.

Kevin: Um. Italian is your favorite food, yes?

Khris: It's different now. Everything is different now?

Kevin: So, no Italian, then?

Khris: I want sushi...

Kevin: Okay, you have not shown the slightest interest in sushi since we've been together, but...

Khris: I want to order it and throw it in your face. Sort of a Hemingway thing.

Kevin: I don't see how that's a Hemingway thing at all..

Khris: See, this is what I'm talking about. You're always contradicting me.

Kevin: This is more of a Robert Altman thing we have going now...

Khris: Oh, a Robert Altman, joke. Clever. Do you even know how that applies, or are you just trying to sound smart?

Kevin: I'm putting this on my blog, you know.

Khris: Oh, great, the blog. Maybe you can throw in some self-loathing poetry and bash some Arabs while your at it. Here, I'll try... Towelheads, towelheads, towelheads, God, I'm so freaking insecure... Was that about right? Maybe I can be a blogger, too...

Kevin: You're losing focus here, with respect to dinner plans.

Khris: What? Yeah, Italian. You know, whatev...

Kevin: So.... We're cool?

Khris: Do me right now, you animal.

Kevin: I'm on it.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Today is the day

In roughly 15 hours, I will be married. I will become spiritually grafted to my bride.

I am the least prepared
the least deserving
the least capable

groom
that
has
ever
existed.

I can't sleep.
For fear
that tomorrow
will come
too soon

and

like a child
who forgot his lines
I will stutter

and fail
for the rest of my days

and then I listen
to the strains
of a sad film score

the sparcest strings
tapping confident notes
and happy tears

of God's
forever
song

So let me to it...
the altar
for his song

is mine and ours

Friday, June 23, 2006

Wedding


Tomorrow, I marry my beloved...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The state of the world

Sen. Santorum announces that we had found WMDs in Iraq after all. Not that this is startling information (did we think they were devoting factories and scientific researchers to the production of high-tech gigapets). Today, the Senate largely repudiated Sen. Kerry's stupid proposal to set a timetable for the return of our troops from Iraq. We killed that Zarqawi guy.

Also, the stock market is back up on the earnings strength of companies such as FedEx and Morgan Stanley...

I have to admit, it's a good week to get married.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Joke Day

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It didn't. It was run over by the sporty, yet practical Volswagen Jetta.

Q: What's red and yellow and green all over.

A: Bill Cosby

Joke: A Rabbi and a Priest walk in to the bar. Bartender asks what they want. The Priest asks for a Michelob. The Rabbi says to the Priest "I didn't know priests could drink." The Priest says "then why did you bring me to a bar? What else are we supposed to do, play darts? For crying out loud." The Rabbi says "dude, sorry I brought it up. The Priest says "well, I just don't understand the logic. There are any number of places we could've gone. If I can't drink, we could've gone to any one of them." The Rabbi says "hey, let's just keep it cool, okay? Are we cool?" The Rabbi orders a whiskey and coke, and sips it awkwardly for about three minutes.


Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Joe

Joe who?

Dude, just let me in. It's raining. Dammit Steve, you're always doing this crap...

Monday, June 19, 2006

Wedding Observation

If men were in charge of planning weddings, they planning would take 1/10th the time, and be 1/10th the cost.

Thanks to clever word-of-mouth advertising by the wedding industry, men do not plan weddings.

Bachelore Nights

As regular readers are certainly well aware, the Kevman is about to be hitched. As recent readers are aware, a bachelor weekend ensued. Here are some memorable quotes.



On Cuisine

“So, are we cooking the bacon in the deep-fryer or on the griddle?”

-Ted

“So, are we cooking the fish in the deep-fryer or in the oven?”

-Kevin

“So, are we cooking the steaks in the deep-fryer or on the grill?”

-Jake

On Crime:

“Rape me once, shame on you, rape me twice, shame on me…”

-Leroy

“I think we should just kill ‘em. I’m for the murder option.”

-John B.

On Soccer:

“Kevin: So, I propose that we take a shot for goal the U.S. scores.

Adam: Ummm… I think I want to drink more than that.”

“Why don’t they just have the U.S. play France? Everyone in the U.S. will care about soccer then.”

-Kevin

On Partying

“Dammit! I want some blow. What is it gonna take to score some blow in this town? This is what we get for partying in @##%$^ Iowa.”

-Former President Jimmy Carter
“I don’t think you can call it a boat party until each of us has earned life in prison.”

-Consensus

On Respect

“Oh! What now? Yeah, you respect me when I bring my gun. Everyone respects my gun. Nobody wants to taste this. Nobody!!!!!!”

-Leroy

“I’m sorry I shot your cat, sir. It’s been a weird time for me, with the world cup and all. Yes, I’ll clean it up.”

-Leroy (the next morning)

On marriage

“So, what’s your fiancée’s name again? Susan? Oh, Khris? That’s right. Where the hell’d I get Susan?”

-Jeff

“Are you wearing white strips? Wow, she’s already won. She’s already won.”

-All

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Bachelor Party USA!!!!

This weekend is my bachelor party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

BEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKS!!!!!!!!!!!

SPRING BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!!!!!

Seriously, though... what do you think?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Wedding Vows

So, we're in the process of writing our wedding vows, and I think I've got it nailed down. Well, please let me know what you think.



By this ceremony
I do declare
My submission
And devotion

I take your mark
Like a jagged claw
ripping through the soul
of my independence

I will cling to you
like a shoe
sticks to day old urine
on the floor of the mens restroom

as ants are drawn
to the delicious scent of the queen
so I am,
a crazed, sex-deprived insect

as our hair turns gray
and the days turn into years
and you grow more unpleasant
I'll regret this decision

but I will stay true
because the Bible makes me
forever and ever
amen

If there are no suggestions, I pass this along to Khris...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A Word on Wedding Planning

Shitstorm...

That is all...

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Road to Irrelevance

A quick tour of the left-wing sites (fresh from their recent Las Vegas rendevous at yearlyKos) gives a revealing look into a political ideology that is simultaneously gaining momentum and becoming irrelevant.

DailyKos features a piece regarding the "wall of silence" that is surround Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s Rolling Stone piece, which claims that the 2004 election was stolen because Ohio was stolen. Of course, this silent wall includes detailed rebukes by The Slate and National Review, and coverage in the New York Times. It didn't make news because it wasn't news. It wasn't news because the election wasn't stolen, as has been conclusively shown by myriad political experts. Of course, if anyone would recognize a stolen election it would be a Kennedy. Geesh, we've got Teddy writing children's books and Robert disheartened by rigged elections. In a couple of years, perhaps Patrick can write an expose on Rush Limbaugh's addiction to pain killers.

The Huffington Post leads with John "pullout method" Murtha calling for, surprise, a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. Oh, you mean John Murtha wants us to withdraw troops? I didn't get that message the last 243,000 times I saw him on TV. But, just so I'm clear, he wants us to withdraw the troops? Now, even? Got it...

Democratic Underground features a painfully unfunny parody of the Bush Administration. It takes the form of an end of year newsletter, which congratulates its students on winning an award for their "flat earth" diorama. Get it? Cause anyone who believes in intelligent design is, you know, like, totally stoopid. It goes downhill from there, and features an incohorent reference to cheerleaders doing a routine in honor of Ann Coulter. I guess just saying the words Ann Coulter passes for satire these days. Well, two can play that game. Howard Dean! Yeah, eat it... Howard Dean right in the face.

The Digby Blog features a story on an upcoming Left Behind video game that... Okay, well played... Tim LaHaye is the Howard Dean of Christianity.

Margaret Cho's website features some Kubrickesque photos of the Asian comedian stripping. Moving on...

Moveon.org is claiming that Al Gore's inconvenient truth has borken box office records. Having grossed $3.9 million domestically, it is, in fact, the high-grossing film featuring Al Gore. If the film makes another $6.8 million, it will surpass "Two if By Sea" on the all time box office charts.

Atrios (Dailykos's little cousin or whatever) says that the Washington Post's editorial board is "led by the fourth stupidest fucking guy on the face of the planet". Way to win friends and influence people, Atrios.

Crooks and Liars, in their criticism of any FDA effort to research the harmful effects of the plan B contraceptive, call Plan B "a wonder drug". That this wonder drug has been linked to enough deaths to make Vioxx seem like Tylenol is not relevant. The point is to mock Christians, who express seemingly justified concern that the broad availability of birth control might encourage promiscuity. Of course, this pill is a contraceptive, and might even cause accidental abortions, so woman-power groups will support its distribution even if everyone who takes it gets AIDS.

Same old thing. Bash Christians, swear at anyone who disagrees with you, alienate normal people. Lose elections. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Al Gore be Gorified!

Al Gore's global warming movie is out. Some observations.

1. Could there possibly be anything less interesting than an environmentalist infomercial starring Al Gore?

2. Are all the rich little Bennington grads who are presently shoving this film in our faces going to give up the considerable wealthy excess that has allegedly driven the earth to its tipping point?

3. Does anyone else remember when 2002 was going to be the global warming tipping point? I remember learning that it was supposed to be 6 degrees warmer. The thing back then was that it was going to throw off the agricultural cycle, creating dust bowl and famine. Speaking of which, I am really hungry.

4. As a movement, environmentalism would be better off if it weren't advanced by, well, environmentalists. Nobody likes environmentalists (see point #1).

5. Can the oceans just swallow Florida already? I'm tired of hearing about it. Crap or get off the pot, mother nature.

6. Why is everything weather-related somehow caused by global warming? It cold be 66 and sunny in May in Minnesota, and we'd have protests about how global warming is causing it. I know that point has been made, but can we have one tornado occur without hearing the "earth is ending" alarms.

7. Yeah, yeah. Ocean current, gulf streams. I know, I saw "The Day After Tomorrow".
I'm educated.

8. What are you going to do to help? Myself, I plan to do nothing. Further, I will vote against anyone who intends to make me do something.

9. I suspect that virtually everyone in America, including Al Gore, will do nothing substantial after having seen this film.

10. I strongly suspect that our do-nothing attitude will have no impact on this crisis whatsoever. However, if we truly change our ways, we might, collectively, have the ability to watch as some new technology renders our efforts moot.

11. Yesterday, I was driving back from an assignment in Shakopee during rush hour. The whole way north, there was an automobile with the bumper sticker that said "love your mother" with a little picture of the earth. The automobile was an SUV, and it was going further north than I was, and had come from further south. Apparently, to truly love your mother, you have to smack her around a little bit, first.

12. I predict that, sometime around 2021 when this becomes a hot campaign issue again, that we will be hearing about how 2031 will be a tipping point in the Earth's weather-system.

13. I love the "it won't be us, it won't be our children, it will be our children's children," line of reasoning. Translation: "Do as I say. There is no possibility that I will be held accountable if I'm wrong, because we won't know until we're dead, but do as I say. Otherwise, everything will suck, probably. Don't know when, though."

14. In six years, I'll see the DVD version of this film sitting on one of those $5 movie kiosks at a truck stop in Fergus Falls. My little four year old son will ask "who is that sad, sad man, daddy?" I will answer "little Clyde, that is Al Gore. Years from now, not in my lifetime, maybe not even in your lifetime, but sometime... People will have forgotten that he ever even existed..."

15. I have another harrowing prediction. Within 80-100 years, everyone reading this will be dead. Probably from monkey pox caused by global warming.

16. Global warming killed daddy.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

New video from Al Zarqawi

Today, American forces received a video from Al Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu-Musab al Zarqawi. The video, set against a backdrop of what is apparently red hot magmga, is somewhat jumbled and incoherent, but voice experts have verified that it is, in fact, Zarqawi featured in the video.

"Ahhhhh... Oh, God... Where are my virgins. Allah what the hell is this? Is this the 'Detroit' I've been hearing so much about?"

The video confused military officials, given that Zarqawi was thought to be exterminated earlier today in an air-strike on a safe house in which he was residing.
In the video, Zarqawi offers no threats, and seems more generally to be complaining.

"Oh... I mean... It's friggin' awful. My feet turned into ants and they're crawling into my rectum. This isn't right. I mean, what am I, Jewish? Since I got here, all it's been is moaning and wailing. This is paradise? Man, Allah was full of s**t."

Experts were further confused by what appeared to be mangled versions of famous historical figures, bathing in the lakes of fire off in the distance. Historians have verified the figures to be Adolph Hitler, Ghengis Khan, and the 13th U.S. president Millard Fillmore.

"An hour ago, I took a piss, and my urine transformed into porcelain doll reinforcing my self-doubts. Oh, what is that? Oh that does not look good. That is definitely not a virgin. I do not want me any of that. Awww.... NOT COOL! NOT COOL! Give that back, fire leprechaun! That is mine! I need it! OOOOOOOOOH!"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Despicable

Just when you think you've seen atrocity, the absolute zenith of human depravity, along comes a story like this.


A baby in China, lucky enough to be born with a sweet third arm, is now having that arm removed by jealous doctors. Frankly, it makes me sick.

This would never happen in America. Here, little baby Vishnu would be celebrated, and like totally score...

The mother was quoted as saying "I worry about how he will grow, whether this will have a big impact on his growth."

Um, yeahhhhh!!!! I can see it now, when Jing Ling (or whatever his name is) grows up and wants to show off his sexy trifurcated torso.

"Hey, baby, I've got a third arm... I'm so badass."

"Oooohhh... Jing Ling, you are positively da' bomb. I'm gonna vote for you for homecoming king... Hey wait, you only have two arms, and one's all gimpy..."

"Yeah, they removed my third arm at birth, but I'm totally a three-armer at heart."

"Whatever, three-arm wannabe boy... Your I liar, which is why I'm so going to mace you right now."

"Arrrgghhhh... My eyes, why, Chinese doctors, why???"

Cause they don't understand you, that's why. They hated you for your gift. They said you needed a cure... I say you are the cure... Well, you were the cure. Now you're just Chinese.

I tell you what, if my baby has, say, guns for feet*, I'm not gonna force surgery to ruin God's handiwork. No, cause that's not how I roll. That is not even within the vicinity of the way I opt to roll.

No, I'm gonna get that kid on Maury Povich...

And he's gonna be a star, my kid, on account of the feet, they being guns...



* - What are the mathematical odds against this particular anomaly? 8 to 1? My science is fuzzy.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Schools Heart Racism

My high school made a Republican out of me. I was reminded of this fact when I read that the Supreme Court will make a decision as to whether it is constitutional to assign students to schools based upon their race (yeah, you read that right).

When my mother and I moved up to Minnesota for 9th grade, my brother recommended me to Richfield High School, a nightmare of a school that heartily embraces every new-agey educational fad our idiotic education bureaucrats come up with.

At any rate, for the first few weeks of the school year, my mom and I lived with my brother while we searched for an apartment. So, where would I go. No problem... Minnesota practices school choice, where students may choose the public school to which they attend. Or so we thought.

You see, Richfield did not allow white students to enter their school. You know, quotas and all. Further, they did not allow students of color TO LEAVE...

The problem was presented as this. Minneapolis schools were worried that black students would opt to attend Minneapolis schools, and that white people would opt out. Richfield High, embracer of hair-brained schemes that it was, dutifully complied. So, in order to attend Richfield, we had to sign a lease stating that we would move into the district within one month.

At the time, I saw this as blatant racism, and I blamed it the bid bad, racist, Republicans. Imagine my shock when I came to realize that this was the Democrats idea, and that pretty much every other malady I experienced was the result of action taken by that party.

Of course, there were plenty of problems with Richfield High that became apparent when I got there. The school scrapped their honors program in 9th grade science in favor bureaucratic, "outcome-based education" program, the first month of which was spent teaching us the tenets of outcome-based education. The remainder of the course taught us ways to "get active" to encourage our Senators to care about the environment, sex-ed (I went through sex-ed 5 times between the ages of 9 and 15. I have no idea who started World War I, but I could draw 17 types of sexually acquired warts from memory) and, of course, evolution. Yes, that was it...

During my sophomore year, my school proudly accepted funds to become a pilot for the brand new "Profiles of Learning" program. Basically, instead of spending our day, sitting around and learning stuff, we did little projects for hypothetical, androgynously named bosses. For instance, we spent about ten weeks or so during Trigonometry class making spreadsheets. In the process, I learned many valuable skills, like how to copy some other kid's data into my own document.

And so on and so forth. Needless to say, spending for years in a liberal prison was enough to have me yelling "dittos, Rush!" For the next several years.

So now, our Supreme Court debates the question of whether it's cool to pick kids based on their race.

Sigh...

Friday, June 02, 2006

Cheesy biscuits

A number of people have been asking for my "bacon-cheesy biscuits" recipe. Well here is.

Ingredients.

1/2 lb. Flour
4 eggs
1/2 tablespoon of butter
2 containers of biscuit mix
Fresh ground pepper
Sea Salt
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce
Basil
1/4 lb. Asiago cheese
12 slices, ready-to-eat Bacon

Directions

Put the aformentioned in a bowl.

Wad up into balls

Cook

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Disturbing Roommate Conversation

So, the other day, my phone rings. It's Leroy. Here's how that went down.

Leroy: You'll never guess where I am.
Kevin: Um, at work?
Leroy: Nope. I've got mono... Takin' the week off.
Kevin: Well, you're not at home resting.
Leroy: You are completely right about that.
Kevin: How about we cut to the chase here?
Leroy: I am in Topeka.
Kevin: You are referring now to the moderately sized Kansas town.
Leroy: I'm at the sunflower festival.
Kevin: That sounds less than exhilirating.
Leroy: Yeah, my car broke down, too.
Kevin: This is turning into quite the predicament.
Leroy: I'm gonna need a ride.
Kevin: ....
Leroy: So, I'll see you in about 8 hours?
Kevin: Why don't you just fix your car?
Leroy: Well, hard to do that now.
Kevin: The car is unfixable.
Leroy: Yeah, and sold.
Kevin: Sold?
Leroy: How do you think I got tickets to the sunflower festival?
Kevin: How foolish of me.
Leroy: Yeah, I kinda bartered the old hunk of junk.
Kevin: I suppose it was on its last legs.
Leroy: That's why I took it to Kansas.
Kevin: Not sure the logic flows there. What the hell is the sunflower festival?
Leroy: It's a celebration.
Kevin: Of the sunflower, presumably.
Leroy: A highly cultural event, was how it was described to me.
Kevin: Significant, I'm sure. Is there some sort of band?
Leroy: Um. Pretty quiet right now.
Kevin: Quiet?
Leroy: Yeah, pretty much the only one here. Just me and the sunflowers.
Kevin: Did you trade your car for tickets to somebody's farm?
Leroy: I don't know if this qualifies as a "farm" per se...
Kevin: This is unsurprising, but depressing nonetheless.
Leroy: Still think I got an okay deal.
Kevin: Alright, I'll come and pick you up, and we can get your car back.
Leroy: Now you're starting to make some sense.
Kevin: That makes one of us.
Leroy: If you could grab me a couple of cheeseburgers on your way down. No pickles.
Kevin: I'll just be... Wait, you're car is right here.
Leroy: That stands to reason.
Kevin: Where is my car?
Leroy: You know, this is corn, not sunflowers.
Kevin: Where is my car?
Leroy: Topeka. I think we've established this.
Kevin: You traded my car?
Leroy: Are you asking me, or telling me?
Kevin: Dammit Leroy!
Leroy: ...
Leroy: You know, what the heck, have 'em throw pickles on there.