Friday, June 09, 2006

Al Gore be Gorified!

Al Gore's global warming movie is out. Some observations.

1. Could there possibly be anything less interesting than an environmentalist infomercial starring Al Gore?

2. Are all the rich little Bennington grads who are presently shoving this film in our faces going to give up the considerable wealthy excess that has allegedly driven the earth to its tipping point?

3. Does anyone else remember when 2002 was going to be the global warming tipping point? I remember learning that it was supposed to be 6 degrees warmer. The thing back then was that it was going to throw off the agricultural cycle, creating dust bowl and famine. Speaking of which, I am really hungry.

4. As a movement, environmentalism would be better off if it weren't advanced by, well, environmentalists. Nobody likes environmentalists (see point #1).

5. Can the oceans just swallow Florida already? I'm tired of hearing about it. Crap or get off the pot, mother nature.

6. Why is everything weather-related somehow caused by global warming? It cold be 66 and sunny in May in Minnesota, and we'd have protests about how global warming is causing it. I know that point has been made, but can we have one tornado occur without hearing the "earth is ending" alarms.

7. Yeah, yeah. Ocean current, gulf streams. I know, I saw "The Day After Tomorrow".
I'm educated.

8. What are you going to do to help? Myself, I plan to do nothing. Further, I will vote against anyone who intends to make me do something.

9. I suspect that virtually everyone in America, including Al Gore, will do nothing substantial after having seen this film.

10. I strongly suspect that our do-nothing attitude will have no impact on this crisis whatsoever. However, if we truly change our ways, we might, collectively, have the ability to watch as some new technology renders our efforts moot.

11. Yesterday, I was driving back from an assignment in Shakopee during rush hour. The whole way north, there was an automobile with the bumper sticker that said "love your mother" with a little picture of the earth. The automobile was an SUV, and it was going further north than I was, and had come from further south. Apparently, to truly love your mother, you have to smack her around a little bit, first.

12. I predict that, sometime around 2021 when this becomes a hot campaign issue again, that we will be hearing about how 2031 will be a tipping point in the Earth's weather-system.

13. I love the "it won't be us, it won't be our children, it will be our children's children," line of reasoning. Translation: "Do as I say. There is no possibility that I will be held accountable if I'm wrong, because we won't know until we're dead, but do as I say. Otherwise, everything will suck, probably. Don't know when, though."

14. In six years, I'll see the DVD version of this film sitting on one of those $5 movie kiosks at a truck stop in Fergus Falls. My little four year old son will ask "who is that sad, sad man, daddy?" I will answer "little Clyde, that is Al Gore. Years from now, not in my lifetime, maybe not even in your lifetime, but sometime... People will have forgotten that he ever even existed..."

15. I have another harrowing prediction. Within 80-100 years, everyone reading this will be dead. Probably from monkey pox caused by global warming.

16. Global warming killed daddy.


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