Thursday, June 29, 2006

Marriage Master

Well, after a few days, I think I've got the marriage thing nailed down. I've learned from my mistakes, cause I'm a learner, and I have come up with a list of ten things not to say on your honeymoon.

1) Honey, I've always admired your exotic good looks. Very linear. You're sort of a poor man's Anne Heche.

2) Hey sweetie, if you're looking for reading material, I brought along a copy of my standardized test scores from high school.

3) It's not that I don't like Maroon 5... It's just that I think it's for simple people. I know they're your favorite band, but...

4) Wanna see how may hot dogs I can eat? Come watch.

5) What am I thinking? I'm thinking that it would be weird if, while we were making love, a space robot came into the room and demanded a snack. What? You asked.

6) Are you wearing the hippo pants? Why do I call them the hippo pants? Um... Cause, they remind me of... I mean, they're gray and scaly like you, I mean, a hippo. I mean... Did you know that the average hippo produces 25 pounds of feces per day? Amazing, God's creature, the hippo.

7) Wanna see my gun? No? Then RESPECT ME!!!

8) Wanna play D&D? Cause I brought my 20 sided die. Do you... No, you don't, do you? I was just kidding. Little bit of humor. But, do you?

9) I can't talk right now, honey. I just did enough whippets to kill a horse.

10) Dammit, LBJ! I said "attack". And when I say "attack", that is code for "make me breakfast". Make me breakfast, vice-president. Eggs, bacon and whole-weat toast. Dammit, LBJ, you Texas rube! This orange juice has pulp in it. If I want pulp in my juice, I'll just throw your eyebrow hairs into it. In fact, that's what I'll do. Shave, Vice President Johnson, shave!

None of the above got a positive reaction...


Anonymous Sarah said...

Another thing you should probably avoid: "could you hand me the remote?"

2:26 PM  
Anonymous clint said...

"I'm glad you're here, honey, I really am. It's just that I'm disappointed you don't have a beer for me."

9:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you think avian flu is going to be a problem ?

I heard it would hit USA & Canada this fall.

Is there anything to the avian flu panic ?

9:56 PM  

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