Thursday, June 08, 2006

New video from Al Zarqawi

Today, American forces received a video from Al Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu-Musab al Zarqawi. The video, set against a backdrop of what is apparently red hot magmga, is somewhat jumbled and incoherent, but voice experts have verified that it is, in fact, Zarqawi featured in the video.

"Ahhhhh... Oh, God... Where are my virgins. Allah what the hell is this? Is this the 'Detroit' I've been hearing so much about?"

The video confused military officials, given that Zarqawi was thought to be exterminated earlier today in an air-strike on a safe house in which he was residing.
In the video, Zarqawi offers no threats, and seems more generally to be complaining.

"Oh... I mean... It's friggin' awful. My feet turned into ants and they're crawling into my rectum. This isn't right. I mean, what am I, Jewish? Since I got here, all it's been is moaning and wailing. This is paradise? Man, Allah was full of s**t."

Experts were further confused by what appeared to be mangled versions of famous historical figures, bathing in the lakes of fire off in the distance. Historians have verified the figures to be Adolph Hitler, Ghengis Khan, and the 13th U.S. president Millard Fillmore.

"An hour ago, I took a piss, and my urine transformed into porcelain doll reinforcing my self-doubts. Oh, what is that? Oh that does not look good. That is definitely not a virgin. I do not want me any of that. Awww.... NOT COOL! NOT COOL! Give that back, fire leprechaun! That is mine! I need it! OOOOOOOOOH!"


Anonymous Thom said...

In all seriousness though, the final video he released was his video will, most notabley leaving all his sand to Billy, "for always believing in him."

10:18 AM  

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