Monday, July 31, 2006

An Interview With The Weather

Now and then, TPWK affords me the opportunity to talk with some high profile newsmakers. Today, I am honored to have with me The Weather. As everyone is surely aware, The Weather has been scorching lately, with temperatures reaching triple digits as far north as Chicago. Here in Minnesota, we've had a run of days in the high 90s, so let's get right to the questions. Welcome, The Weather.

The Weather: Thanks. It's great to be here.

TPWK: Now, I think I'm going to ask that question that's been on everyone's mind. What IS with all the heat?

The Weather: I know, I know... I'm sorry.

TPWK: I mean, we have elderly people dying, power outages in New York City. What's the deal?

The Weather: Yeah. I dunno... Summer comes around and I just get... I dunno, I have to be hot, you know what I'm saying?

TPWK: Now, you're hiding behind the "it's in my nature" excuse, and that just isn't going to fly. I mean, what's wrong with a nice 77 degrees, or even a balmy 85?

The Weather: Yeah, no you're totally right... I'm sorry... My bad.

TPWK: If you wanna go be all death-inducingly hot, why don't you do it in Guatemala, where nobody lives?

The Weather: Yeah. i mean. Look, I've been way out of line. You gotta understand though, I've got the sun all beating down on me like "Make it hot! Make it hot!". I mean, you're talking about a dude with a core that reaches 27,000,000 degrees.

TPWK: So, you're blaming the sun.

The Weather: Dude, the sun is such an ass. You have no idea what it's like working with that guy.

TPWK: So, does the sun just disappear in the winter? Why not just evenly disperse the heat?

The Weather: What are you a communist?

TPWK: Ummm... One of the more damaging features of the recent heat wave has been a lack of precipitation.

The Weather: Yeah... I know... I totally suck. I don't know what I'm doing.

TPWK: It just seems like... Okay, you're the weather... Be all hot. But why not hit us with a little nourshing rain? Is rain too much to ask.

The Weather: Ahhh... You sound like my friend Geological Phenomena. He called me up last night and gave me crap about the rain. I'm like, dude, I know what I'm doing.

TPWK: So?

The Weather: Yeah, alright. I'll make it rain. Whatever... Why's everyone gotta be so intense? I'm gonna go drink some Pabst with the Fossil Record.

TPWK: Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank The Weather for stopping by.

The Weather: You can come with us if you want. We might grab some wings to, if that interests you.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Mayor %@#$% Strikes Again

As some Minneapolis residents are aware, we have a murder problem. As those of us who possess any measure of common sense (and in Minneapolis, we are a scant minority) know that this is a product of ineffective leaderhip. Our murder rate, per capita, is on par with such stalwarts as Oakland and Miami.

So it's time for our city's leader to take bold action. So what does our mayor, R.T. Rybak, do? Why, he pens an op-ed, of course. Here are some highlights (in italics), with my comments below.

For a gut-wrenching two hours in Shiloh Temple last month I watched the next generation of north Minneapolis file by the coffin of 18-year-old Brian Cole.

Glad you could make it, R.T.

Sadder still, most of us gathered that day had been there before and expect to be there again.

Considering your on the till for another 3.5 years, that's probably a pretty safe bet.

In response we are adding more police and parole officers, arresting more gangsters, confiscating more guns, and we need to do much, much more.


Really? Cause last I saw the city's bold new initiative was to increase the number of housing inspectors, lest anyone get away with having grass that is too tall. Hmmm, maybe all that inspections talk drowned out your bold initiative to send more cops to the streets. Speaking of which, have you named a police chief yet, dumbass?

Each of us needs to find our own ways to make a personal connection to a young person we see slipping away.

Howzabout quit having illegitimate kids? Eh? I wouldn't suppose that has anything to do with the problem, would it?. Howzabout "Hey people of North Minneapolis. You're not rabbits. Stop having sex with everything that has a pulse." I suppose that wouldn't be very mayoral. Fine, I'll join Big Brothers/Big Sisters...

Boycott murderers:


I kid you not. This is one of his bullet points. Boycott murderers. What comment could I make?

Right now, we need to own up to the fact that buying marijuana in this metro area pays for bullets that go into the heads of kids in north Minneapolis.


Um... Having lived in a drug ridden neighborhood, I can assure you that pot is not the problem. I'm pretty sure the prostitutes who were flailing around the parking and banging their heads on car doors weren't jonesing for the Ganja.

Suburbanites who turn out by the hundreds to fight a single sex offender in their neighborhood should be at least equally outraged when a dozen sex offenders are allowed to concentrate near a single north Minneapolis school, or when the vast majority of Minnesotans leaving prison end up in a few zip codes.

Ah, yes, those big bad suburbanites. It's their fault. Always buying pot and shunning sex predators. Here's a conversation that crept into my mind.

Ron: Hey Judy. The Neighborhood watch is getting together to go protest a sex-offender. You want in?

Judy: (Laughing) I am WAY to stoned for that. Pass the White Castle

Stop pretending there is no path to success:


<> Giuliani <>


The truth is, in the past two years we have opened career centers in every Minneapolis high school, created more than 1,500 summer jobs and virtually guaranteed two years of college for every student who wants it.


Well, that did a lot of good, didn't it? Seriously, though, the next time I'm reaching out and making a connection to a gangbanga' with a gun, I will simply refer him to his local career center. Thanks RT!

Turn off the violent video games and rap


I'm going to see Gnarles Barkley next week. That's not technically rap, though. I dunno. Can I still go to the GB concert, or will some innocent person be shot if I go? Maybe it's one of those "kill a butterfly today, world ends tomorrow" type deals. I won't go.


While plenty of rap music is great,


1,000 dollars says he had Will Smith in mind when he wrote this sentence. 1,000 dollars. What about Outkast? That's rap for sure. Is that great, or will people die because of it? I'm still confused about turning off the rap. While I'm on the topic, I like Katamari Damacy... That's a game where you roll a ball around the world crushing people... If I hadn't played Katamari, would Brian Cole be alive to day? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

...it's time young listeners stopped buying exploitative work of self-styled "gangstas" who make millions inciting violence though their only real experience with life on the streets is cruising Santa Monica Boulevard in their tricked-out Escalades.


Damn, fifty, Rybak called you out. Are you just gonna take that? Seriously, though, the mayor of Minneapolis just used the word "gangstas", "inciting", and "tricked-out" in the same sentence. That, friends, is the whitest thing that has ever happened... Ever...

There is a blessing often said in my church: "The world is too small for anything but truth and too dangerous for anything but love."


Your church is banal.

We don't have a minute, or another promising young life, to waste.


To think, it's been days since he wrote that op-ed, and I have yet to boycott any murderers or make a deeper connection with any young people. Ya know, there's a saying about making the bed, and it's relationship with how you sleep. Y'all wanted this tool. I didn't... Sleep well.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Wanna get high?

Hey, Steve Guttenberg. Do you get high? Do you party? You wanna get high?



Do you got some? I can score some. Whattaya into? Grass? Some Ganja? Little bit of the marijuana for you and I tonight? Whippets maybe?



You're not into coke are you? I mean, that's fine. A little blow, no big whoop. But, we're not doing cocaine, right? Are you feelin' that?

But seriously man, I've gotta porch. Let's get high. Maybe open some containers of paint, shut all the windows. Just get good old fashioned high. You with me Steve?



That's the spirit! Yeah! Hey, let's go over to Pickle's place. He's got some drano and some shrooms. Just us three. Me, Pickle, and Steve Guttenberg... Gettin' high like it don't even matter.

This is gonna be just great.

My Wife Was Nearly Murdered

So... Last night, I go to catch a friend from Portland's band at Acadia.

(editors note: I had previously thought Acadia was some sort of sandwich shop, which it is, but it has a stage behind it. I had no idea, and I feel lame because I had no idea)

At any rate, I am on my way back from the gig (people in the know call them gigs, not shows... I am in the know) when my wife calls. Apparently someone called, apparently thinking she was someone else. Of course, this rates high among the top ten ways to freak women out, so she was, um, freaked out.

So I *69 the number, in hopes of enacting some revenge. Turns out the call was from the 504 area code, which is New Orleans.

GREAT NEWS! NEW ORLEANS HAS PHONE COVERAGE AGAIN!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

All is right with the world

This morning, I had to wake up early to go to work. Everything felt sort of, I dunno unsettled. A feeling of foreboding sat, like a cloud, over my morning coffee. Everything was just a little off, until I visited CNN.com to find his headline.

SHARKS TAKE NIPS FROM BARELY LIVING WHALE

And all is right with the world. I can live at ease, knowing that an all-powerful God is smiling down on some opportunistic-ass sharks, just doin' what sharks do... You know, taking little chunks out of living whales, without a care in the world.

This is what it's all about...

Sharks... Slowly devouring... The way God intended them to.

Also, Lance Bass is gay. Not sure if this is a related story or not.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I didn't know you were that way about goat cheese

Dude, why you gotta bag on goat cheese? I don't see a problem with it.

Goat cheese is ajust a way to spice things up. It's characteristic tart flavor adds a dimension to pastas, pizza, even sauces. Or it's good on it's own.

I never knew you were all hatin' on it.

I find that goat cheese makes a nice pizza topping. And yes, I'm perfectly comfortable with the fact that it comes from a goat. I guess I've never thought of a goat nipple being inherently more gross than a cow nipple. I wouldn't put my mouth on either, to be honest with you.

But punching me in the forehead over this issue is uncalled for. Again, you're fronting w/r/t goat cheese is completely inapporpriate.

Frankly, it's getting to the point where it's difficult to take you to nice places anymore. Goat cheese, which is an ideal compliment to vegetable sandwiches and the like, is winning over the heart of millions. You're starting to see a lot more of it in trendy new restaurants.

And yet, its mere appearance on the menu drove you to ghetto-jack the waiter's knee cap with your fork.

That, in my opinion, is a disproportionate response to the goat cheese option. The domestication of goats is a perfectly acceptable practice.

Have you tried goat cheese? You might like it... Have you tried it? Put down the gun baby, let's not end our marriage over this.

Try a bite. Just... let it slide down your mouth. Smooth isn't it? That's nice. That's real nice... See goat cheese is your friend. No need to get all up on it. Just eat it. That's what it's there for.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Mom, There's Lesbians In My Cereal

I am prone to gaining weight. If I ate like your average American, I would become one of those people who have to be whisked around on a dolly just to get fresh air. Further, I like food that is bad for you, and produce in Minnesota tastes approximately like urine smells.

Therefore, when I have the opportunity to eat healthy, I really have to make the most of it. Thus, when I purchase cereal, I bypass anything remotely edible and head straight for my Kashi. Kashi is cereal only in the visual sense. It is crunchy, impervious to milk, and tastes like sand. Naturally, it is low in sugar and high in fiber and protein, which means that I should eat it.

Fair enough. There are worse things.

One day, I stroll to the organic section of my local grocer to find my cereal of choice replaced with this:



What the hell? It's hard enough to go to the checkout line with some frou-frou, fiber and twigs crap. But I manage to suppress this insult to my masculinity in pursuit of a smaller waistline. But now this?

Apparently, some time ago, Kashi had some sort of contest for female friends to enter. The winning friends get their bios placed on the box, the front of which features them embracing over a hearty bowl of Kashi.

What is going on here? Was the head of package design just sitting around thinking "you know what our ass-tasting uber-healthy cereal needs? Unattractive women embracing suggestively. Yes, this will sell our product."

The caption underneath the cereal bowl encourages cereal purchasers to read more about "good friends" Sara and Tasha on the side of the box. Why did they put scare quotes around good friends? That could mean one of three things.

A) They are actually indifferent to each other.

B) They are lesbians.

C) The cereal-box copy editor is cuckoo for superfluous punctuation.

And what compels people to enter this competition? Who is excited to get the letter that says "congratulations, you have been selected to embrace someone of your own gender to be pictured on a box of organic cereal." I can just imagine the conversation between Sara and Tasha during the shoot:

Sara: (Smiling) What do you want to do after this photo shoot.

Tasha: (Also smiling) Oh, I dunno, I thought we'd enjoy a nice bowl of "Good Friends" cereal, followed by a frank and honest discussion of bowel health.

Sara: That would be enjoyable. After that can we kiss with tongue?

Tasha: You bet. Then we can take a ride on my Harley.

Sara: I'm so glad we work in advertising.

Now, I'm fully aware of the long history of controversy w/r/t cereal mascots. Lucky the Leprechaun and Count Chocula are obviously gay, Sugar Bear is a notorious pimp, and Cocoa Puffs has that meth-addled crow hocking their stuff. But seriously, these lesbians are going too far.

Keep your uterus out of my cereal, Kashi.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I want a free guy



Remember video games? Remember when you got points for doing things? Kill the flying bee, get 400 points. Eat a pretzel, get 700 points. Those were they days.
Just do some crap and get some damn points for it. Best of all? After you got a certain number of points, you got a free guy.

As a child, I fully expected that, as an adult, the performance of certain actions would result in an almost ceaseless accrual of points. I also expected that, at myriad intervals, I would be reward with a free guy, or a 1up as it was sometimes known.

So, one can understand why, when my boss took me to lunch, I boldly requested a shiny new free guy. Realistically, I shouldn't even need to ask. Did Pacman have to tap the guy who dispensed tokens at the counter at Chuck-e-Cheese, and say "hey, um, Pacman here... Um, I do believe there was reference to a free guy once I had reached the 10,000 point plateau. Um, well, I'm at about 13,460, and, well, I was wondering..."

No, they made good with the guy the second that little meter reached 10,000.

So, what does my boss say? Nothing! He just stares at me as though he's not sure whether to laugh. What is that all about? Nonetheless, I handled the situation with aplomb, and changed the subject to football. Later, I crafted a list of reasonable, but ambitious demands.

In addition to a free guy, I am requesting megabombs, three powerups (at least one of them speed related), a forcefield, two little planes to fly around me, and 15-20 seconds of invincibility.

I fully expect my company to come through on my request. I mean, this is ridiculous.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Now It Is Time To Talk About McDonalds!




McDonalds is the best place everrrrrrr!!!!

They have the best food, like McNuggets and cheeseburgers! And they have this cool playground with a pile of balls, and you can throw the balls and they go like pthip, and Ronald McDonald is there but sometimes he's not but he's there and that's why McDonalds is so cool.

Mommy orders a salad at McDonalds cause she's dumb.

One time, with my McNuggets happy meal, I got a toy car from the movie 'Cars' and it wound up and like would go SHVEWWWWWW and I wanted to go to McDonalds everyday so I could get all seven, but daddy wouldn't let me because he's dumb. I don't get why we don't just go to McDonalds everyday. It's better than the stuff mommy cooks.

Mommy's a bitch.

One time, Mr. Johnson had us write a book report, and I did one on McDonalds that was 14 pages long with illustrations. He said, and I quote "while your passion for the material is impressive, I think, in many respects, you missed the purpose of this assignment entirely." He gave me an 'C+'. He's dumb. McDonalds is the best book ever.

One time, at McDonalds, I went outside and saw daddy smoking a cigarette with Ronald McDonald. The whole incident was creepy and alienating.

Later, daddy said he thought Ronald was a queer. I don't even know what that means. Daddy's funny.

In summary, I like McDonalds because they have McNuggets. They have french fries too, but I like McNuggets better. I wish I could just eat McNuggets instead of pasta, cause I don't like pasta but I like cheeseburgers so cheeseburgers are kinda my favorite but McNuggets are way my favorite. McDonalds also has a playground and a dollar menu.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Hey, have you seen my sunglasses?

I need them. We're going away for the weekend and I... No, I didn't say you took them... I just. Okay, have you seen them or not?

No? Fine. That's all you had to say. Just say "no, I haven't seen them." Maybe even follow that up with a little "I'll let you know if they pop up." That's all. That's all that was necessary. I am tired of this, Steve. No, you calm down.... Ugh.

You know, I think I left them on my dresser. Oh. Yep, here they are.

My point still stands though. You're reaction was totally inappropriate. I mean, it's better, cause I found them, but... Next time, let's just keep cool...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Condo Rant

So, according to this little item, condominiums in San Diego are declining in value.

So, let me get this straight. You mean to tell me that, in a housing market that has tripled in value over the last decade, buying a condo that costs substantially more than a single family house and charges hefty monthly association fees was a bad business decision?

You mean, spending $775,000 on a 945 square-foot "loft-style" apartment, when thousands upon thousands of similar units are being contructed in the same market.. You mean to tell me this is, in fact, NOT a good idea?

So, and bare with me because I am completely and utterly confused. You are telling me that taking out a $4,800 per month mortgage, which consumes approximately 92% of my income, on the assumption that condo prices are going to escalate 30% per year in spite of spiraling interest rates represents naive thinking?

So, in summary. There is waning interest in paying $1,000,000 to live in a glorified shantytown with steel appliances? Huh. Well I'll be damned.

One thing is for sure, though... Demand for 3 bedroom cookie-cutter townhomes 45 minutes away from Minneapolis is going to stay hot. My 1,060 sq. ft., vinyl-covered pride and joy in Prior Lake was $319,000 well spent.

All those people buying spacious homes 2 miles from the city center? Idiots. I have two words for you. Black people. I've never met one, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to. I saw In Living Color. Oh, and enjoy mowing your own lawn. I pay $445 per month to have someone do that for me, thank you very much.

You can take your city living and squalor. I'll just be riding high on my strong decision making skills. Of course, the only decision I have to make now is which Don Pablos to go to. What, you don't have six of them within walking distance? Hmmmm... Too bad.

Suckers.

Monday, July 17, 2006

A Disturbing Roommate conversation

So, I'm over at Leroy's place to get the last of my stuff, when he approaches me with a large box, wrapped in decorative foil.

Leroy: Here you go!

Kevin: What is this?

Leroy: Wedding gift.

Kevin: Oh, thanks... Wow, kinda heavy...

Leroy: The heavier the better.

Kevin: It's moving.

Leroy: Yeah, you might want to get that home.

Kevin: (unwrapping gift) Leroy, what... Wow...

Leroy: It's a puppy.

Kevin: Indeed.

Leroy: I named him Sparky.

Kevin: ...

Leroy: I know how much you like dogs.

Kevin: I'm allergic to dogs.

Leroy: He's a golden retriever. Not technically a dog.

Kevin: A golden retriever is a dog by every possible definition. How long was he in the box?

Leroy: Couple days. I wanted to get him to you sooner.

Kevin: You know, typically the decision to purchase a pet is made between a husband and wife, after some careful deliberation and thought.

Leroy: Consider this a time saver.

Kevin: Where did you get this?

Leroy: I was just driving around the block to get some milk, when I saw the little guy, just roaming around. And I thought "Hello! Wedding gift!"

Kevin: Are you saying that this dog was not at all purchased.

Leroy: Not in the slightest.

Kevin: You stole a dog and gave it as a wedding gift.

Leroy: Correction... SAVED a dog.

Kevin: This is completely inappropriate.

Leroy: I don't see how.

Kevin: We are not taking the dog. And I would urge you to clean him, as he has been stewing in his own urine for two days.

Leroy: So you're saying you don't like the dog?

Kevin: In a nutshell.

Leroy: Oh, well you're definitely not going to like your other gift. (Pulls a blanket off of a large cage).

Kevin: You have got to be kidding me.

Leroy: I call him Glowie, cause his eyes glow in the dark.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Everything You Need To Know About Cats

Hello, welcome to the second installment in my "everything you know" series, a weekly, in-depth question and answer session that explores an important topic in depth. This week's topic is cats. Let's get the ball rolling.

Q: What is a cat?

A: A cat is a small, quadrupedal, carnivorous mammal, with many distinctive breeds and varieties.

Q: I hear a lot of people own cats. Why is this?

A: People began domesticating cats as catchers of vermin, such as mice. Today, they are sought for their aloof nature, and their decreased dependency compared to dogs.

Q: Do you own a cat?

A: Oh, hell no.

Q: Who buys cats?

A: Cats are popular with all types of people, from eccentric, lonely women to homosexual males.

Q: What do you feed a cat?

A: Feed them the stuff marked 'cat food'.

Q: What is in 'cat food'?

A: I dunno. Meow Mix?

Q: Isn't that a name-brand?

A: I think you are being deliberately obtuse.

Q: I've heard that some cats can fly, and shoot lasers, is this true?

A: Yes, certain feline species are able to fly to elevations of 400-600 ft., and most cats are equipped with lasers that are capable of firing a dense beam of destructive light as far as 1/2 mile.

Q: why don't cats rule the world?

A: They are too busy licking their balls.

Q: I am interested in obtaining a cat. Where might I find one?

A: Here is a good resource.

Q: Whose been a good boy?

A: This is really a question that is more appropriate for a dog, who has, I'll concede, been a very good boy.

Q: How do you keep a cat from scratching the furniture?

A: This is a common problem among cat owners. Many owners choose to have their cats declawed. Others choose to purchase a scratching post.

Q: Is it true that cats are really space aliens?

A: This is a common misconception, but no.

Q: I'm interested in having multiple cats. How many is too many?

A: Cats are like open sores. The more you have, the more alienating you are.

Q: What are some good names for cats?

A: Boots, fefe, sparkles, and patches are common names for cats, which is a fairly damning commentary on cat owners if you ask me.

Q: I'm allergic to cats. Is there anything I can do?

A: You may opt to purchase a hairless cat. They cost thousands of dollars, and look like this.



Q: Anything else you can tell us about cats?

A: They like to be thrown.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Seriously, cat, stop imitating Tom Jones

Cat, I tell you, this is not warranted.

Alright, I'll admit that I am impressed. Most cats cannot speak, form a cohesive sentence, or even sing. Therefore, it is a profound mystery that you are able to imitate the beloved Vegas crooner, right down to his facial expressions.

Cat, you are extraordinary. It's tremendously unusual to be sung to by you, in the manner of Tom Jones. Are you happy?

You see, as you are a cat, the likelihood of you having any sort of career, beyond the predictable, Animal Planet, novelty-type gigs is extraorindarily remote. The only service (if you could call it that) you are providing is to keep me awake at 3am.

I mean, don't get me wrong. You have a great voice. American Idol auditions are coming into town. I think you should audition. You certainly have a niche factor. Would you be allowed to use your informal "cat age" in order to qualify for such an event?

However, as it stand, and, again, I reiterate, this is tremendously noteworthy stuff, the Tom Jones imitations must cease. Cat, I cannot put it more bluntly. Cease... At once...

Okay, now you are imitating Starr Jones. That isn't nice. That's not nice to do, Boots. In fact, it is rather cliche. Though, again, I am frankly dumbfounded at your gift of impression, on account of you being, you know, a cat.

Cat, your ability to manipulate the handle of the vaccuum cleaner, as though it were a microphone, is mesmerizing in itself. It is a stand-alone type talent, as respects cats. However, I think you will agree that it is inappropriate at this juncture. Further, it is driving the dog mad.

Come to think of it, Starr Jones has lost her excess weight. Really, your joke failed to be appropraite on many levels. However, since many cats deem it appropriate to dump dead rabbits at the feet of their masters, I am immensely please that you have found the wherewithal to generate satire on even the most hackneyed level. However..

Cat, cease this.

Cat, your not foolin anyone

Cat, I tell you man, quit burying your feces. We all know what you did. You think I didn't just see you take a massive dump in the litter box? You think I can't smell it, just because you flicked a little sand on it with your foot?

This is a waste of time, cat. A complete and total farce. You pooped. In the box. Because you are an animal. If you were civilized, you would learn to (perform the relatively simple task of) flushing the toilet.

You are beast. A little smattering of sand does not change that fact. Slinking away surreptitiously only compounds your obvious fecal guilt.

Cat, I've observed a trend in your recent vainglorious efforts to achieve some sort of non-cat cache with us humans. I saw right through your attempt to engage us in or game of Monopoly. You revealed your complete and utter ignorance of the games' regulations when you batted the entirely population of Indiana Ave. (three houses and the wheelbarrow) onto the floor.

At first I thought this might be some abstruse condemnation of captilism and greed, a notion that was quickly assuaged when you proceeded to spend the following ten minutes chasing the shadow of a moth across the dining room, alarming the dog in the process.

Further, you exhibit a seemingly unshakable faith in the so-called "grass is greener" theorem, as evinced by your repeated demands to be, in turn, eschewed from and escorted into the house.

You, cat, are not ready for prime time.

And where did you get that blue stain. What were you playing with that was blue? Cat, this is exactly what I was talking about.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

On cats

I once had a transgendered neighbor, who had decided to become a woman (though clearly lacked the resources to fully back this decision). He/she/it (HSI) had an odd speaking voice, thick, almost sonerous, like an amateur opera singer, that rose in inflection as HSI ran out of air at the end of sentences.

HSI had a cat named pebbles. Pebbles was a housecat who didn't much care for the house. Hence, HSI was doomed to wandering the alley looking for a hidden cat that had little interest in being unhidden.

And so, every now and then, I could hear HSI bellering "Pebbles! Pebbles! Peeeeeeebbbbblllles!" (I add in the extra letters to denote an extended calling of the cats name, not to imply that my neighbor had abruptly begun calling for Peebles, as in Mario Van Peebles, the director of some repute).

I have always found the calling of a cat's name by its owner to be an inexplicable and fruitless exercise. Cats, famously, do not come when you call them by name, and likely have little idea that they have, in fact, been named at all. Savvy owners locate their cats by recreating the metallic sounds cats associate with mealtime. HSI was not hip to this either of these concepts, and/or fed its cat cereal.

One night at around 11 pm, I peered out my kitchen window to find HSI, clothed in only underwear, and what could best be described as a "nightie", roaming through my backyard, bellering the cat's moniker at the top of its lungs. At this point, I decided to shut the blinds.

We had little in common, HSI and myself. Months later, HSI was checked into a group home, and the state took over its house...

Come to think of it, I never saw that damn cat.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Cat, get out of my cereal

Cat, get out of my cereal! It's still good, I want to eat it. Cat!

CAT!

I said get out of there. Don't eat that. It's mine. I'll be hungry if I can't finish my cereal. What? Why are you staring at me? What does that accomplish?

No, don't just resume eating my cereal. That's not okay. You can't just look at me for a few seconds and then just go back to what you were doing.

Dammit, cat! I said stop eating it. I'm already debating whether it can be salvaged, or whether I should abandon the whole enterprise by throwing the cereal away. You see the kind of choice you put me to.

Don't meow at me. Don't just meow at me and expect it to be cool. I feed you. i feed you cat food. Out of the can. It's expensive, and you eat it very quickly. So there is no plausible reason for you to be eating my cereal.

Cat, you are being ridiculous at this point, continuing to eat my cereal when I have asked you not to. I don't want to get up right now to eat it, because I'm comfortable. I just want to be comfortable for a minute, and then eat my cereal, but you have thrown the scenario into flux.

Stop eating my cereal, cat. Cat?


CAAAAAT!!!

Monday, July 10, 2006

New Home Phone!

For all of my adult life, I have longed for a phone number that could spell out a clever word, like 612-TOTEBAG, or 651-DANCING. Alas, God has seen it fit to give me numbers which prominently feature onerous 1's and 0's at critical junctures.

So imagine my delight when, upon my marriage to what's-her-face, I became the proud new owner of a shiny new, binary-free, home phone! From now on, I can be reached at...

612-WAX-BURY!

or

612-WAY-CUPZ!

Praise be to the highest.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Everything you need to know about

Hey folks. Since nobody read my blog on weekends, I thought I'd take my weekend posts in a new direction. At first, I consider posting the nude photographs I've been taking of Thom, but apparently that's illegal, so instead I'll go with an "everything you need to know about" theme, Q&A style. This will last approximately two weeks before I decide it's stupid. This week: Everything you need to know about sushi.

Q: What is sushi?

A: Most people think sushi refers to raw fish. It actually refers to the rice, and is classically defined as rice with vinegar, wrapped in seaweed.

Q: Is sushi gross?

A: Not to the refined.

Q: Then what is the green wrapping paper stuff?

A: That's seaweed.

Q: Gross.

A: Shut up.

Q: I want to try sushi. What should I get when I go to a sushi restaurant?

A: Good question, talking purple gorilla. The most common type of sushi is nigiri. It is an rectangular piece of fish (or other food) banded to the sushi rice with a small strip of seaweed. Sashimi refers simply to raw fish, which might be a bit much for a first-timer. Rolls, in which contents are wrapped in a seaweed are often popular. A good way to start is to get a chef's choice or sushi dinner, a pre-selected set of nigiri which usually features, tuna, salmon, mackerel and shrimp among others, as well as some sort of roll.

Q: Do I order my own plate?

A: No, unless you order an entree. Sushi is sort of a family style deal.

Q: What is sake?

A: Sake is rice wine. It is often served heated, and it can get you drunk, thus adding to the experience.

Q: I'm hungry. How do I eat sushi?

A: You're getting ahead of me, dancing midget. Sushi is traditionally eaten with chopsticks. Typically, your meal will begin with miso soup. This is usually consumed by picking up the bowl (the chopsticks won't do you much good against broth) and sort of drinking it. When the sushi arrives, you will notice a little green lump. That is wasabi, which is made from a root similar to horseradish. You will also notice a very small, square tray. Pour some soy sauce (it's in the bottle marked "soy sauce" into the tray, and stir in a small amount of wasabi. Using the chopsticks, you will dip your pieces of sushi into the mixture and enjoy.

Q: Isn't wasabi spicy?

A: Don't be a pansy, flying saxophone. Wasabi packs a kick that burns the sinuses instead of the tongue, so be careful, but the burning sensation is short lived, and not cumulative, unlike that of hot peppers.

Q: What's the pink stuff?

A: That's ginger. Ginger is to be used as a palatte cleanser as you alternate between the different flavors of fish.

Q: What's a palette cleanser?

A: Just watch your local sports programming and nevermind.

Q: Do I eat the pieces whole?

A: Yes, magic keyboard, you are expected to consume the pieces whole, even if they seem a little large.

Q: Can you eat sushi with your fingers?

A: Yes. In fact, this is preferable to making a mess out of your a piece that is difficult to handle.

Q: What is a California Roll? If I order a California roll, am I a wuss?

A: A California roll is an inside out roll featuring imitation crab and avocado. It is popular with newbies as it conceals (or excludes) seaweed, and features nothing that is raw. Any good sushi place should pirde themselves on a kncokout California, so there is no shame in ordering it. Plus, it is a cheap way to fill up.

Q: Is raw fish safe?

A: Not necessarily. Only certain fish can be qualified as "sushi grade", and it is usually treated. Realistically, the likelihood of getting food poisoning is relatively high, though not as high as foods featuring beans, nuts or shellfish.

Q: What are some of the best things to get?

A: You're just trying to get extra credit, aren't you, Bauhaus style luxury loft? Typically, I'm a fan of tuna and red snapper. Anything with eel is popular (it is served smoked, with a sort of sweet black suace known as eel sauce). Caterpillar rolls, which are wrapped in avocado instead of seaweed, are a personal fave, in addition to a couple mentioned below.

Q: I want to impress a savvy girl. What do I order?

A: Select a cold sake (instead of the house sake, which is usually served warm). They are typically of far higher quality. Order an edamame (soy bean) appetizer to snack on. Tamago (a sweet piece of egg banded to rice) is often considered an indicator of the sushi chefs abilities. As far as sushi, ask the waitress for the day's toro (an extra fatty section of tuna), or order salmon roe (eggs), which will feature the roe perched on top of rice. Extra hip sushi-goers will spring for a raw quail egg to put on top. This delicious bite will cost you about $6, but is the bentley of sushi, and you will look like a pro.

Q: What should I avoid?

A: Excellent question, oblique yet omnipresent manifestation of my own self-loathing. Unless you are in the bar area, avoid egg rolls. Spider rolls, which feature fried minaiture crab legs, are uber-expensive and popular with some because they taste like chicken fingers. Be sure to get a mix of nigiri or sashimi and rolls to keep things interesting. Order Tempura (deep fried vegetables or shrimp) and teriyaki chicken will not impress anyone. I am not particularly a fan of yellowtail or sea bass.

Q: The waitress is giving me a hot towel. Is this an invitation to sex?

A: Not likely. Many finer sushi establishments will give you a hot, moist towel to wipe your hands and face with before your meal.

Q: How much does it cost.

A: A sushi dinner and drinks will usually run about $30-$50 per person in MN. Many restaurant offer discounted sushi rolls during happy hour, which is a good way to try something new at a discount.

W: Where does the fish come from?

A: Was that a wuestion? I only answer questions. Go to hell, wuestion.

Q: What are the best sushi restaurants in town?

A: Fujiya (uptown) is everyone's favorite, and has been around, in one form or another, for many years. Nami (downtown) has some great fish, but the service is atrocious and the people are spray-tanned. Hey guy, it's 8pm in January, take of your faggy sunglasses and button up your shirt! Kikugawa (Northeast) is good for a no-frills, low-key atmosphere. Sushi Tango (Calhoun Square) is lousy, with terrible service and grocery store quality fish. Midori's floating castle (longfellow) has a nice hole-in-the-wall feel, but isn't very good (or cheap).

Thanks for playing along kids. Mechanical toaster with burn-guard, I'll get to your question next time!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Confessions of a Female College Student

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

Cindy's getting married... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! So GOOOOOOD!!!!

She's so lucky. B-Rad is such a great guy... Last week when Cindy and I got wasted at Jigger's party (I heart mint schnapps) he totally left the party he was at and dove us home. I totally knew he was the one when they started dating in May.

The way he proposed was SOOOOOO ROMANTIC... He wrote "will you marry me?" on a little piece of paper, with a box for "yes" and a box for "no"... He's so adorable. He bought her a band with a little placeholder for when he saves up enough money to buy a diamond. I was like "awwwwww..."

I didn't know about him at first, especially after he hooked up with Shannon at Booker's party last week, but he totally redeemed himself. He's so right for her. He's on the B honor roll and he totally wants to be a Realtor, so he's going to be loaded...

I was telling hot guy at Caribou about the proposal, and he was like "that is so cute." I think hot guy might be gay :(

The wedding isn't until August. Her parents are being like, total jerks about it, so Cindy and are friends and some of his frat brothers are going to Vegas. How awesome is that? A Vegas wedding! I hope I see Elvis :p

Oh... I gotta go. World Cup is on, and the Italian team is sooooo hot...

TTFN!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Notes and Errata

So, I'm back from my honeymoon, and quite a bit occurred in the past ten days for me to get unduly worked up over, so let's roll!

The Supreme Court made some really nice decisions last week. Tick-tock, Justice Stevens, tick, tick, tock...

The new Superman movie came out. Hey another comic book movie... This movie could be 90 minutes of Kevin Spacey taking a dump and it'll rake in $200 million and spawn four sequels.

I caught to Pussycat Dolls on Good Morning America this morning. Apparently they are the ones responsible for the song that goes "Doncha wish your girlfriend was drunk like me? Doncha wish your girlfriend was a slut like me?" featured in those Heineken commercials. Glad to know we that someone is filling America's insatiable appetite for girls of questionable hotness who can't sing or dance. Spice Girls and TLC, eat your heart out.

Heineken, on the other hand, is filling America's insatiable appetite for beer that tastes like cigarettes.

I'm looking over the credits for Superman, and it turns out Spacey is actually in the film. Has anyone seen the movie? It's not really 90 minutes of Spacey defecating, is it? Cause that would be eerie.

Somebody should cast Christopher Walken as a superhero. Don't know who he would be. Is there a semi-colon man?

North Korea is testing long range missiles that have the capacity to reach the United States. The UN Security Council is meeting today about the issue, so we're fine.

The administration is taking the New York Times to task for revealing classified information on its pages. In response, the NYT is getting pissy. The NYT is not a serious organization.

Regarding the North Korea situation, the BBC has posted an editorial stating that there is literally no solution to this crisis and then, inexplicably, praises Henry Kissinger (while implying that Kissinger favored a fuddy-duddy, equivocal approach to international crises). Read it here. The BBC is not a serious organization.

The Chicago Bulls threw a max contract at Ben Wallace. I will take a particular joy in watching them get crushed in the first round of the playoffs for the next four years.

Ken Lay died. The liberal blogs think the President killed him. The liberal bloggers are not a serious organization.

Go Tigers...

Monday, July 03, 2006

A puzzling conclusion

So, our honeymoon is coming to it's conclusion, and I thought that I would escape the trip with nothing blogworthy. Then we arrived in Los Angeles, and checked into our Hollywood hotel. We wandered to the pool, for a highly anticipated swim when, much to our surprise, we discovered that the pool was, in the words of one of the bellmen, "bumpin'".

College age men and women were fondling each other, dancing on top of lounge chairs, and sipping bottles of Vuelve Cliquot from the bottle. It was like a cross between the MTV Beach House and Boogie Nights. A DJ was laying down tasty beats, and admonishing people not to do back flips into the pool, and everyone was tanned and absolutely fit (though not necessarily good looking, I observed).

We literally could not make our way to the pool, and would've felt slightly intimidated if we had the opportunity. All I could do was think to myself "who the hell ARE these people?" Note that the room rates at this particular hotel range from $299-$899. Also note that the hotel required room keys as evidence of hotel patronage.

I mean, clearly these people were from Los Angeles (judging from the conversations I overheard, nobody had anything worthwhile to say... an LA trademark.) These people were not to be found throughout the remainder of the hotel. So, did they simply pay the room fee to have access to the pool?

At any rate, I must say that I absolutely abhor these people, though I now know who watches the E! network.