Friday, July 14, 2006

Everything You Need To Know About Cats

Hello, welcome to the second installment in my "everything you know" series, a weekly, in-depth question and answer session that explores an important topic in depth. This week's topic is cats. Let's get the ball rolling.

Q: What is a cat?

A: A cat is a small, quadrupedal, carnivorous mammal, with many distinctive breeds and varieties.

Q: I hear a lot of people own cats. Why is this?

A: People began domesticating cats as catchers of vermin, such as mice. Today, they are sought for their aloof nature, and their decreased dependency compared to dogs.

Q: Do you own a cat?

A: Oh, hell no.

Q: Who buys cats?

A: Cats are popular with all types of people, from eccentric, lonely women to homosexual males.

Q: What do you feed a cat?

A: Feed them the stuff marked 'cat food'.

Q: What is in 'cat food'?

A: I dunno. Meow Mix?

Q: Isn't that a name-brand?

A: I think you are being deliberately obtuse.

Q: I've heard that some cats can fly, and shoot lasers, is this true?

A: Yes, certain feline species are able to fly to elevations of 400-600 ft., and most cats are equipped with lasers that are capable of firing a dense beam of destructive light as far as 1/2 mile.

Q: why don't cats rule the world?

A: They are too busy licking their balls.

Q: I am interested in obtaining a cat. Where might I find one?

A: Here is a good resource.

Q: Whose been a good boy?

A: This is really a question that is more appropriate for a dog, who has, I'll concede, been a very good boy.

Q: How do you keep a cat from scratching the furniture?

A: This is a common problem among cat owners. Many owners choose to have their cats declawed. Others choose to purchase a scratching post.

Q: Is it true that cats are really space aliens?

A: This is a common misconception, but no.

Q: I'm interested in having multiple cats. How many is too many?

A: Cats are like open sores. The more you have, the more alienating you are.

Q: What are some good names for cats?

A: Boots, fefe, sparkles, and patches are common names for cats, which is a fairly damning commentary on cat owners if you ask me.

Q: I'm allergic to cats. Is there anything I can do?

A: You may opt to purchase a hairless cat. They cost thousands of dollars, and look like this.



Q: Anything else you can tell us about cats?

A: They like to be thrown.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Thom said...

Little known fact, Satan is the father of all cats.

The main ingredient in Meow Mix is human babies and tuna fish.

7:31 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Really? Wow. Amazing. That had better be dolphin-safe tuna.

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Thom said...

Actually, they use a small outfit from North Korea who force children to catch their tuna for them, notorious for catching and keeping dolphins, sharks, scuba divers, snakes, seals, bombs, seagulls and other things that get caught in the nets.

10:07 AM  

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