Friday, July 28, 2006

Mayor %@#$% Strikes Again

As some Minneapolis residents are aware, we have a murder problem. As those of us who possess any measure of common sense (and in Minneapolis, we are a scant minority) know that this is a product of ineffective leaderhip. Our murder rate, per capita, is on par with such stalwarts as Oakland and Miami.

So it's time for our city's leader to take bold action. So what does our mayor, R.T. Rybak, do? Why, he pens an op-ed, of course. Here are some highlights (in italics), with my comments below.

For a gut-wrenching two hours in Shiloh Temple last month I watched the next generation of north Minneapolis file by the coffin of 18-year-old Brian Cole.

Glad you could make it, R.T.

Sadder still, most of us gathered that day had been there before and expect to be there again.

Considering your on the till for another 3.5 years, that's probably a pretty safe bet.

In response we are adding more police and parole officers, arresting more gangsters, confiscating more guns, and we need to do much, much more.

Really? Cause last I saw the city's bold new initiative was to increase the number of housing inspectors, lest anyone get away with having grass that is too tall. Hmmm, maybe all that inspections talk drowned out your bold initiative to send more cops to the streets. Speaking of which, have you named a police chief yet, dumbass?

Each of us needs to find our own ways to make a personal connection to a young person we see slipping away.

Howzabout quit having illegitimate kids? Eh? I wouldn't suppose that has anything to do with the problem, would it?. Howzabout "Hey people of North Minneapolis. You're not rabbits. Stop having sex with everything that has a pulse." I suppose that wouldn't be very mayoral. Fine, I'll join Big Brothers/Big Sisters...

Boycott murderers:

I kid you not. This is one of his bullet points. Boycott murderers. What comment could I make?

Right now, we need to own up to the fact that buying marijuana in this metro area pays for bullets that go into the heads of kids in north Minneapolis.

Um... Having lived in a drug ridden neighborhood, I can assure you that pot is not the problem. I'm pretty sure the prostitutes who were flailing around the parking and banging their heads on car doors weren't jonesing for the Ganja.

Suburbanites who turn out by the hundreds to fight a single sex offender in their neighborhood should be at least equally outraged when a dozen sex offenders are allowed to concentrate near a single north Minneapolis school, or when the vast majority of Minnesotans leaving prison end up in a few zip codes.

Ah, yes, those big bad suburbanites. It's their fault. Always buying pot and shunning sex predators. Here's a conversation that crept into my mind.

Ron: Hey Judy. The Neighborhood watch is getting together to go protest a sex-offender. You want in?

Judy: (Laughing) I am WAY to stoned for that. Pass the White Castle

Stop pretending there is no path to success:

<> Giuliani <>

The truth is, in the past two years we have opened career centers in every Minneapolis high school, created more than 1,500 summer jobs and virtually guaranteed two years of college for every student who wants it.

Well, that did a lot of good, didn't it? Seriously, though, the next time I'm reaching out and making a connection to a gangbanga' with a gun, I will simply refer him to his local career center. Thanks RT!

Turn off the violent video games and rap

I'm going to see Gnarles Barkley next week. That's not technically rap, though. I dunno. Can I still go to the GB concert, or will some innocent person be shot if I go? Maybe it's one of those "kill a butterfly today, world ends tomorrow" type deals. I won't go.

While plenty of rap music is great,

1,000 dollars says he had Will Smith in mind when he wrote this sentence. 1,000 dollars. What about Outkast? That's rap for sure. Is that great, or will people die because of it? I'm still confused about turning off the rap. While I'm on the topic, I like Katamari Damacy... That's a game where you roll a ball around the world crushing people... If I hadn't played Katamari, would Brian Cole be alive to day? WHAT HAVE I DONE?'s time young listeners stopped buying exploitative work of self-styled "gangstas" who make millions inciting violence though their only real experience with life on the streets is cruising Santa Monica Boulevard in their tricked-out Escalades.

Damn, fifty, Rybak called you out. Are you just gonna take that? Seriously, though, the mayor of Minneapolis just used the word "gangstas", "inciting", and "tricked-out" in the same sentence. That, friends, is the whitest thing that has ever happened... Ever...

There is a blessing often said in my church: "The world is too small for anything but truth and too dangerous for anything but love."

Your church is banal.

We don't have a minute, or another promising young life, to waste.

To think, it's been days since he wrote that op-ed, and I have yet to boycott any murderers or make a deeper connection with any young people. Ya know, there's a saying about making the bed, and it's relationship with how you sleep. Y'all wanted this tool. I didn't... Sleep well.


Blogger uncle tim said...

Kevin - this is completely unrelated to the post...I'm a friend of Jodi's. Just wanted you to know I think I may ask your blog on a date...but just as friends, you know maybe a group thing. I like it is all.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

So if I like rap music, that makes me a murderer, and if i'm a murderer I have to boycott myself???

Thank God I'm inner city and not suburban! Otherwise I'd be too doped up to boycott myself and end up eating White Castles all day; eventually leading me to compose a documentary about how excessive eating of sliders leads to weight gain.

I could've sued White Castle and made millions- wait why is it good to be inner city again???

3:27 PM  
Anonymous clint said...

I own a house in Minneapolis. And one in St. Paul. But I live in Coon Rapids. I like rap, don't smoke marijuana, but I have considered prostituting myself. Oh, crap, I'm so disorientated. I do know one thing, however, and that is I will NEVER purchase anything from a murderer again. They're officially being boycotted. It's the least I can do.

9:27 AM  

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