Monday, July 24, 2006

Mom, There's Lesbians In My Cereal

I am prone to gaining weight. If I ate like your average American, I would become one of those people who have to be whisked around on a dolly just to get fresh air. Further, I like food that is bad for you, and produce in Minnesota tastes approximately like urine smells.

Therefore, when I have the opportunity to eat healthy, I really have to make the most of it. Thus, when I purchase cereal, I bypass anything remotely edible and head straight for my Kashi. Kashi is cereal only in the visual sense. It is crunchy, impervious to milk, and tastes like sand. Naturally, it is low in sugar and high in fiber and protein, which means that I should eat it.

Fair enough. There are worse things.

One day, I stroll to the organic section of my local grocer to find my cereal of choice replaced with this:



What the hell? It's hard enough to go to the checkout line with some frou-frou, fiber and twigs crap. But I manage to suppress this insult to my masculinity in pursuit of a smaller waistline. But now this?

Apparently, some time ago, Kashi had some sort of contest for female friends to enter. The winning friends get their bios placed on the box, the front of which features them embracing over a hearty bowl of Kashi.

What is going on here? Was the head of package design just sitting around thinking "you know what our ass-tasting uber-healthy cereal needs? Unattractive women embracing suggestively. Yes, this will sell our product."

The caption underneath the cereal bowl encourages cereal purchasers to read more about "good friends" Sara and Tasha on the side of the box. Why did they put scare quotes around good friends? That could mean one of three things.

A) They are actually indifferent to each other.

B) They are lesbians.

C) The cereal-box copy editor is cuckoo for superfluous punctuation.

And what compels people to enter this competition? Who is excited to get the letter that says "congratulations, you have been selected to embrace someone of your own gender to be pictured on a box of organic cereal." I can just imagine the conversation between Sara and Tasha during the shoot:

Sara: (Smiling) What do you want to do after this photo shoot.

Tasha: (Also smiling) Oh, I dunno, I thought we'd enjoy a nice bowl of "Good Friends" cereal, followed by a frank and honest discussion of bowel health.

Sara: That would be enjoyable. After that can we kiss with tongue?

Tasha: You bet. Then we can take a ride on my Harley.

Sara: I'm so glad we work in advertising.

Now, I'm fully aware of the long history of controversy w/r/t cereal mascots. Lucky the Leprechaun and Count Chocula are obviously gay, Sugar Bear is a notorious pimp, and Cocoa Puffs has that meth-addled crow hocking their stuff. But seriously, these lesbians are going too far.

Keep your uterus out of my cereal, Kashi.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Thom said...

The great thing about Kashi is that, as well as being edible cardboard, it also is an effective weapon against prowlers, as if it sits for more than an hour it settles and becomes like a granola brick.

One night, someone broke into my apartment and I bludgeoned him to death with a box of Kashi. Boy was I embarrassed to discover it was my neighbor looking to borrow a kleenex.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Thom,

That was me, and we were supposed to grab a beer. Unbelievable.

12:11 AM  
Blogger MamaD4 said...

Hi, I linked to you through Ms. Bonkoski's blog...damn, just gotta tell you, you are one funny guy. Enjoy your Kashi!

2:54 AM  
Anonymous Thom said...

Kevin,

Come to think of it...it was a little strange that a burglar would knock before entering...and say, "Thom, it's me Kev-"...well, after that it's a little blurry, cause I panicked.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Grundi said...

Best post ever, K.

Down with healthy lesbians!

11:56 AM  
Blogger Ryan the Lion said...

Actually I think they pronounce it Kaayshi.

...you know like Gayshe.

Im pretty sure it's a conspiracy.

Just like corn.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Baron von Bauerick said...

After Jodi told me to read your interview with the weather, and yet again after my brother told me to read your blog on a daily basis, I have decided to do as such. I'll probably keep it up....

12:45 AM  
Blogger craig said...

What the heck is wrong with you? What is so wrong about a potentially lesbian couple appearing on a box of cereal. Are you THAT insecure in your own sexuality that you can't stand to see two women together?

Grow up. You know, as a gay man, I have to see all kinds of straight people on cereal boxes too, but it doesn't seem to cause me life shattering effects. Get a life.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Craig,

Let's just chill buddy and take the post for what it is.

2:18 PM  

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