Monday, October 09, 2006


So, as part of our "romantic" weekend getaway, Khris and I decided to take a trip to the superfluously-spelled Aamodt's Apple Orchard (way to score the first entry in the phone book guys). What could be more fun and romantic than a whole orchard full of apples?

So we get there, and we discover that this is no ordinary apple orchard. This place is frenzied, man. Maybe they should've named it AARRRGHHHHSNARFSHJNISHJOHNYAPPLESEEDNNNNNHONEYCRISPFAGAAAHHHHHH! Orchard, but that's just me. Now, I have two things working against me, w/r/t enjoying apple orchards.

A) I don't particularly like apples.

B) Other people's screaming kids don't really do it for me either.

Upon our arrival at Aaaamocht's, we are greeted by Jojo, the friendly banjoist. Very apropos, in a Deliverance sort of way. I don't know if his name was Jojo, or if we was friendly, for that matter. Hard to imagine an unfriendly banjo player, though. Not exactly an instrument of malcontents.

Okay, there have to be at least 2.5 million people here. If Canada ever decides to genocide Minnesotans for some reason, they could simply set up a couple of apple orchards. "Be sure to stop by our winery, and breath deeply!". Seriously, this is our NASCAR.

We head out past the general store, to the main attractions themselves, the apple trees. Alright, down to business, let's pick some apples and get the hell out of here. Hmmm. This is odd. You can't pick the apples. Turns out they do it for you. You can find them in the general store, right next to the "what is the ^&%&^% point?" display. It dawns on me that there's a place right by my house where you can also purchase fresh apples that have been picked for you. Some know it as the grocery store. If I ever open a grocery store, I will be sure to call it a "milk, coca-cola and toilet paper orchard".

So, no apple-picking, but, hey, there's a petting zoo. So help me God, a petting zoo. This leads to my favorite moment of the day. A baby goat is sitting in the sun in the corner, lying down, taking a nap or whatev... Suddenly this big goat runs up and charges the other goat. Knocks it into the fence. The baby goat moves from it's nap, and the bigger goat just walks away. I'm glad goats find offense in the relaxation of other goats.

We take a gander at the general stores wares. I notice that there are some homemade soups in mason jars for sale. The soups are priced at $8.75 for 16 ounces. Come again? Did Jimmy Carter become president sometime in the last two hours? Somebody alert the fed. The rate increase are NOT working.

Khris needs to use the rest room. There is one women's restroom, for which the wait is about 2 hours and 45 minute, which coincides with the line for the wine tasting room. I guess that a visit to Aaaaaaamaghts Orchard is enough to drive people to drink. I make this joke to a bystander in line, who, by way of correction, informs me that this winery has won awards. My cynical side thinks "what a blue-ribbon at the Minnesota State Fair?"

The wine-tasting informational sheet proudly announces that wines at this vineyard won the blue ribbion at the INDIANA State Fair. The Apple Orchard is beyond parody. I'll quiet my inner wine snob here, except to agree with the girl who was tasting next to me, who, upon sipping some raspberry tasting nonsense, remarked: "MMMMM! You can hardly tell it's wine." My sentiments exactly.

On the way out, one of the teenage traffic directors holds up our line for 10 minutes for some reason. That about sums it up. So concludes our day at Aaaaaghhhmadfts Apple Emporium, where the orchards smile and the boys are robust.


Blogger Christine said...

Huh. I went to the Aamodt's apple orchard yesterday too and it was probably the best day of my life.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Did you ride the ponies?

12:11 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I considered a trip to Aamodt's since it is closest to my abode, but all the extra attractions threw up a red flag for millions of screaming kids to be present. I think I'm going to end up going to the Cub orchard, though i will miss the joy of climbing a tree and throwing apples at toddler passersby.

12:44 PM  
Blogger j said...

You and I had very different orchard experiences this weekend. You try more hand to hand combat with the corn weapons. It helps.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

I only rode the mini-pony

2:35 PM  
Blogger Jerad said...

lauged out loud at this one

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Apple said...

Maybe we ain't so fond of you either.

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Roger said...

No, no, more "aaaaargh"...toward the back of the throat.

8:18 AM  
Blogger uncle tim said...

though I'm in complete agreement regarding screaming children, crappy wine (honestly, when "dessert wine" is your best one, you haven't made wine, you've made juice), they do (read: have historically) let you pick the apples yourself. My wife loves going there and we've picked our own apples many a time in previous years. Maybe they changed it up this year.

9:44 AM  

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