Wednesday, October 04, 2006

An Interview With Mark Foley

As a blogger, I often have the opportunity to interview celebrities and other newsmakers. Today, I am privileged to be the first to interview Rep. Mark Foley since he resigned from the house of representatives after making inappropriate advances toward an underage male page. Without any further adieu, Rep. Foley, welcome to TPWK.

Rep. Foley: Thank you, thank you for having me. Nice blog you have here.

TPWK: Thank you.

Rep. Foley: It reminds me of the Pearl Jam video, where the kid shoots himself.

TPWK: Um... I'll pass your regards to my web designer.

Rep. Foley: At home, drawing pictures. Then, Pow! Blows his freaking brains out in front of everybody.

TPWK: That is how the video turned out, to my recollection, yes.

Rep. Foley: I bet he was real lonely.

TPWK: Probably comes with the territory. Um, shifting gears...

Rep. Foley: Do you ever feel lonely?

TPWK: Um, no.... Now, you have recently come out and said that you were molested by a priest when you were growing up. Now, forgive me, I know this is a serious issue, but you can understand my incredulity.

Rep. Foley: I drink in secret.

TPWK: Um... Yes, so the news reports have shown.

Rep. Foley: Ted Kennedy drinks in secret, too. We both drink in secret.

TPWK: Yes, I think Kennedy's alcohol abuse is well documented.

Rep. Foley: You remember that book he wrote about his dog, Splash?

TPWK: I do recall.

Rep. Foley: Splash likes to drink in secret, too.

TPWK: Fascinating.

Rep. Foley: Would you like to meet splash?

TPWK: You are referring now to the fictional dog, asking if I would like to meet him?

Rep. Foley: He's a little shy, but I have him in my closet. It's my magic closet.

TPWK: I don't think you have a magic closet.

Rep. Foley: Sure I do. That's where I practice my singing. Father Tippenssworth always said I had a wonderful voice.

TPWK: Great, but what I...

Rep. Foley: I'm going to sing now

(sings)
"I was a lad in love with a lass
atop the pettibone ridge
wonton with sass
and a shim and a shiver
she caught my wayward eye"

That's a beautiful song. Isn't music beautiful?

TPWK: I guess that depends on the circumstance.

Rep. Foley: Father Tippensworth would give me cakes whenever I sang for him. That's why I drink in secret.

TPWK: I'm not gonna delve into that one. Now, of course, some are concerned over the political fallout of this incident, what is your response to those who say Republican leadership should have been more proactive in discerning the details of the case.

Rep. Foley: The House Republicans don't understand. Nobody understands me or my music. I make wonderful music. Daddt never gives attention.... Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo... Oh, isnt' that just a wonderful song. I play it over and over.

TPWK: You certainly seem to have an affinity for the tune.

Rep. Foley: See, when I speak, they'll all listen. Take that Ted Kennedy! Take that Dennis Hastert! All of them, lying on the ground, under my kingdom. I'll be king, and no I won't wear makeup. Not ANYMORE! NO MORE SECRET DRINKING, CAUSE I'LL BE KING! YOU HEAR ME BARACK OBAMA? KING.

TPWK: So senators get to be in your kingdom too, I gather.

Rep. Foley: Will you be my queen?

TPWK: Pardon?

Rep. Foley: We'll sip tea together while they all waste away. Poisoned! Dead! Pow Asa Hutchinson.

TPWK: I think Mr. Hutchinson is no longer in congress.

Rep. Foley: If you won't be my queen, then I will be queen. COME ORKO, COME SPLASH< WE WILL DELIVER THE BAD DREAMS AWAY!!!! EVERYONE WILL PERISH, PAGE OR PRIEST. THEY WILL KNOW THE SALT MINE OF MY DESAIR!!!! I WILL SPEAK IN CONGRESS TODAY!!! I WILL SPEAK IN CONGRESS TODAY!!!

TPWK: Well, that's all the time we have. I'd like to thank Rep. Foley for stopping by.

Rep. Foley: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo... WHooaaaaaaa-oohhhhhhhhhhh, yarrrrghghg arrgghhgh Ayayayayayayayayay, yeahahhh. uh-huh....

uh-huh...

uh-huh...

uh-huh...

(puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger)

3 Comments:

Anonymous Thom said...

We need more committed politicians like Mark Foley. A shame he bailed out, eh?

10:51 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Lovely...the web designer is pleased to evoke memories of teen angst and depression ala Pearl Jam's video in the overall schema of TPWK. Enjoy.

(puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger)

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Ryan said...

hmmm this is actually the first Foley interview that actually made sense,
Maybe I had this guy pegged wrong.

8:59 AM  

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