Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Please expect less of me

Look, I'm a pumpkin. I know it's Halloween, and people look to me to provide various pumpkin-related entertainments. I am perfectly willing to become a so-called jack-o-lantern, and who doesn't like a nice cool slice of pumpkin pie, topped with refreshing whipped cream? But look, I'm human, or rather, I'm pumpkin. I can't be all things to all people.

For this reason, I am sorry to announce that I cannot support your third party candidacy. I know these are trying times, and the electorate has been alientated by the two party system. Frankly, I find your tax redistribution program compelling. I would like to learn more, but I do not think I would make a good addition to your campaign staff.

Please do not take any offense, but I receive numerous requests from candidates and causes, looking to build into my inherent credibility and seasonal popularity. I can well understand your desire to reach out to the pumpkin community. But, alas, I cannot compromise in this regard.

Tomorrow, a child of 9 or 10 will take a butcher knife, and make an incision into my scalp, creating a removal cap of pumpkin flesh. I will be eviscerated, by entrails mined for delicious seeds, which will be salted, seasoned and baked. My guts will then be converted into edible pie, for consumption during the Thanksgiving holiday.

After suffering this indignity, my face will be sliced and gouged, with little triangles removed, representing faux eyes and teeth. Come October 31st, I will be revealed for public humiliation, a small candle llit inside of me, charring my inner-skins. If I am able to survive the myriad pranksters, who are wont to dash pumpkins about the streets and rooftops throughout the night, I can look forward to a long process of withering on the door step, pecked slowly to death by birds.

Again, I do not begrudge your ilk for this travesty. It is my lot, as pumpkin, my raison d'ĂȘtre, if you will. In exchange, I am given a certain status. Like the Aztec sacrifices to an unknown God, my life takes on a symbolic importance. It is not something I take lightly.

Again, forgive me if I have given any offense. I simply cannot support your third party candidacy in any official capacity. My best wishes for your future success.

Sincerely,

A Pumpkin

6 Comments:

Blogger Chris Hill said...

Sorry, this has nothing to do with pumpkins. Since Wallis' blog is on beliefnet, you may find this interesting:

http://christianmercenary.blogspot.com/2006/10/discussion.html

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Running for Office said...

Please, join my campaign. Together we can ensure that our children are properly educated. I am a proponent of the Pumpkin Patch Education Bill. Also, with your support, we can change the outcome of the Iraq war. With my brains and your seeds we will devise a new plan for our involvement in the Middle East. I support tort reform. TORT REFORM!

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Peter Hutchinson said...

Then I will have to cut you. And gut you. And stick a candle in your rotting carcass.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous peter said...

Pumpkin was only saying all that in order to gear up for his own 2008 run.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Pumpkin has no comments about future office at this time.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Scarecrow said...

Pumpkin would have problems in office with all those Congressional seeds running around. So smooth and fragile... pervert.

7:11 PM  

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