The Senator Needs to Get his Game on
For those who didn't read the weekend news, Sen. John "Two Americas" Edwards attempted to use his celebrity to jump the queue, in order to be among the first to obtain a Playstation 3. Where did he go to sate his (or, more likely his children's) gaming lust? Walmart, of course!
Of course, we don't expect consistency, or, really, much of anything from our senators, particularly the Democrats. Ted Kennedy is a lecherous boozehound who drowned his secretary, but why should that stop him from writing children's books?
Nonetheless, I don't like John Edwards. He is a sleazy attorney out of central casting, who has coasted by on his looks. So I am in no mood to be remotely fair.
Here's my account:
John Edwards tells a staffer (paid for by our taxdollars? You betcha!) to go fetch him one of those new video game machines. Staffer says to himself "I'm off to Walmart, where I can probably get the thing cheaper than anywhere else!" So, staffer calls Walmart and asks to order the game. Alas, it seems as though the Playstation 3 was something of a hot ticket item.
What to do? Staffer tells Capt. Multiple Americas the sad truth, to which he replies "dammit, Jenkins, did I say go fetch me excuses? No, I said get me a video game machine! I am Presidential material." All said through an eerily winsome grin.
So how to meet the Senator's demands? Well, staffer could wait in line for 36 hours to get a machine. But staffer has a B.A. in Poli Sci. from Georgetown, and an M.A. in peace studies from Princeton. Staffer is far too important to sit in line with the stinking masses, who prefer merchandise to world peace. That's America B type stuff, as Sen. Edwards would say. Staffer is most certainly America A. America A doesn't stand in line. America A gets on the damn phone.
Staffer gets on the phone, and explains to Steve, the assistant manager at the stores Arlington, VA location, that Sen. John "Two Americas" Edwards would like to skip the line and simply receive a Playstation 3. Steve does not know who the hell John Edwards is, and is dealing with a shoplifter who was caught with 40 boxes of Sudafed, and so has, in his own words, "bigger fish to fry" at this particular moment.
Staffer, unwilling to bear bad news to aforementioned Senator, who, truth be told, is probably not, per se, all smiles after he's had a little whiskey and a fight with his wife, moves on up the company directory. Who does he call? Someone who can make sure a press release is drafted and distributed to the press within three hours, that's for sure.
East coast, do-gooder staffer, educated to the tune of $200k or so, decides to go to the Public Relations department for Walmart, to ask for a PS3 for the Senator.
Staffer: Hello, yes this is an ambitious young staffer for important Sen. John Edwards. He wants a PS3 right now. He is far to important to wait. He is not America B. Did I mention that the Senator is important?
Walmart PR lackey: Well, I don't think we can... Excuse me, who did you say you were calling for?
Staffer: John Edwards. He's famous for his work on behalf of good human beings against tyrants who hate blacks.
Walmart PR lackey: Please hold.
Dial tone.
Hmmm. How rude. Staffer reports to Smiling Senator, who, as some will recall, was a candidate for the vice-presidency of the United States. Edwards replies that he doesn't really care about his kids anyway, and goes off to dine with some lobbyists.
Three hours later, communications director for America A's favorite senator receives a phone call from the AP. Edwards pretends that he was unaware that Walmart was still around, but reassures reporters that he hates it very much, and that a certain, highly educated, overzealous staffer is entirely to blame for the whole affair, probably, but he isn't quite sure, because what is a Playstation 3 anyway? Certainly nothing he is ever heard of, or would even request, in light of the ever increasing gap between haves and have nots.
Staffer is fired, and lives in parent's basement for six months before going back to school to get his masters in economic justice.
The end.
Of course, we don't expect consistency, or, really, much of anything from our senators, particularly the Democrats. Ted Kennedy is a lecherous boozehound who drowned his secretary, but why should that stop him from writing children's books?
Nonetheless, I don't like John Edwards. He is a sleazy attorney out of central casting, who has coasted by on his looks. So I am in no mood to be remotely fair.
Here's my account:
John Edwards tells a staffer (paid for by our taxdollars? You betcha!) to go fetch him one of those new video game machines. Staffer says to himself "I'm off to Walmart, where I can probably get the thing cheaper than anywhere else!" So, staffer calls Walmart and asks to order the game. Alas, it seems as though the Playstation 3 was something of a hot ticket item.
What to do? Staffer tells Capt. Multiple Americas the sad truth, to which he replies "dammit, Jenkins, did I say go fetch me excuses? No, I said get me a video game machine! I am Presidential material." All said through an eerily winsome grin.
So how to meet the Senator's demands? Well, staffer could wait in line for 36 hours to get a machine. But staffer has a B.A. in Poli Sci. from Georgetown, and an M.A. in peace studies from Princeton. Staffer is far too important to sit in line with the stinking masses, who prefer merchandise to world peace. That's America B type stuff, as Sen. Edwards would say. Staffer is most certainly America A. America A doesn't stand in line. America A gets on the damn phone.
Staffer gets on the phone, and explains to Steve, the assistant manager at the stores Arlington, VA location, that Sen. John "Two Americas" Edwards would like to skip the line and simply receive a Playstation 3. Steve does not know who the hell John Edwards is, and is dealing with a shoplifter who was caught with 40 boxes of Sudafed, and so has, in his own words, "bigger fish to fry" at this particular moment.
Staffer, unwilling to bear bad news to aforementioned Senator, who, truth be told, is probably not, per se, all smiles after he's had a little whiskey and a fight with his wife, moves on up the company directory. Who does he call? Someone who can make sure a press release is drafted and distributed to the press within three hours, that's for sure.
East coast, do-gooder staffer, educated to the tune of $200k or so, decides to go to the Public Relations department for Walmart, to ask for a PS3 for the Senator.
Staffer: Hello, yes this is an ambitious young staffer for important Sen. John Edwards. He wants a PS3 right now. He is far to important to wait. He is not America B. Did I mention that the Senator is important?
Walmart PR lackey: Well, I don't think we can... Excuse me, who did you say you were calling for?
Staffer: John Edwards. He's famous for his work on behalf of good human beings against tyrants who hate blacks.
Walmart PR lackey: Please hold.
Dial tone.
Hmmm. How rude. Staffer reports to Smiling Senator, who, as some will recall, was a candidate for the vice-presidency of the United States. Edwards replies that he doesn't really care about his kids anyway, and goes off to dine with some lobbyists.
Three hours later, communications director for America A's favorite senator receives a phone call from the AP. Edwards pretends that he was unaware that Walmart was still around, but reassures reporters that he hates it very much, and that a certain, highly educated, overzealous staffer is entirely to blame for the whole affair, probably, but he isn't quite sure, because what is a Playstation 3 anyway? Certainly nothing he is ever heard of, or would even request, in light of the ever increasing gap between haves and have nots.
Staffer is fired, and lives in parent's basement for six months before going back to school to get his masters in economic justice.
The end.
Labels: Politics
posted by Kevin Sawyer | 1:23 PM 
2 Comments:
Delightful page, Kevin, I've enjoyed our discussion on sojourner's blog. Float on over to my page for more.
jurisnaturalist
I hate showing my ID every time I need sudafed. I feel like I'm buying porn or something. I always walk out feeling ashamed afterwards.
Post a Comment
<< Home