Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Guest Post: Smartycat

So apparently Peter is unimpressed with the efforts of Oscar the cat, who has demonstrated the keen ability to predict the deaths of nursing home residents. This is just another case of the pernicious anti-feline bias of the mass media.

Look, I am a cat. I have a blog, and an MFA from Iowa State in creative writing. I am also four years old. I was trained to defecate in a litter box at 3 weeks. It takes the average baby three years to accomplish this feet, and another year to figure out how to wipe. That is pathetic. But we all oooohhh and aaaaaahhhhh over little kids, don't we?

And yet, Oscar (full disclosure: Oscar was my roommate at Oberlin) who was taken in by a nursing home, of all places, has developed an innate sense of when people will die. The cat is literally psychic, but does that impress you apes? No.

But little Stevie makes poopies and pee-pees at the same time, and you guys want to award him a !@#$%%^ international prize. Congratulations, Stevie, for failing to adopt even a modicum of civility. This is to be congratulated. Have some ice cream.

I peed on the tile floor because the door to the basement was shut and it was like I murdered Archduke Ferdinand. I was bit with a broom. A broom! Like I was some sort of cockroach.

In addition to providing comfort and companionship, Oscar alerts families to the imminent death of their loved ones. What ought to be an astonishing revelation regarding the extra-sensory power of cats is reduced to a throwaway "Before We Go..." piece.

I get it. Our accomplishments are piffle. And what did humans accomplish today? What's the latest from the world of Homo-sapiens? Oh, look, some terrorists executed Korean Christians. Nice job, species. By all means, continue to award yourself Grammys. And don't get me started on Lindsay Lohan. What is it with you people and worshipping fickle crackwhores?

I am through here. I'm going to pour myself an ample glass of gin, garnish it with an onion, and read Gravity's Rainbow... Have you heard of it? It's just like Harry Potter, only not about wizards and written in the style of a USA Today statshot. Resume your mouth-breathing.


Monday, July 30, 2007

Monday Musings

The silicon chip inside my head is set to overload, so let’s shoot the whole day down together!

Look what I did….



Caught the Simpsons Movie this weekend (which was surprisingly good). The previews tempered my optimism for the future, however*. We can all look forward to “Daddy Day Camp”, a sequel to “Daddy Day Care” starring Cuba Gooding Jr. in the role Eddie Murphy made everyone forget. The film did modest box business, which triggered some marketing metric, which triggered an automatic production budget for a sequel.

On a positive note, Fred Savage lends his consider directorial credibility to the project. Are we being put on? Is this an elaborate viral marketing scheme for some new far off, edgy indie flick. If so, I’m calling you out Charlie Kaufman. Otherwise, if you are a parent, and you take your kid to see this, I will judge you.


Speaking of viral marketing. Lindsay Lohan is kind of a campaign unto herself, yah?


Just when you thought the Cocoa Puffs bird couldn’t get any more distraught.

Interesting thing about the Cocoa Puffs dude is that he actually has free access to the cereal. Whereas most cereal mascots engender sympathy from cereal patrons, on account of the denial of the one thing they so desperately want. Cuckoo is free to take delight in the cereal when and how he pleases. And look at him. Careful what you wish for, Trix Rabbit.

Incidentally, I would pay good money to watch the Kashi lesbians hem and haw as some n’er-do-well made off with their barley-oats.


So the NWA pilots are still doing this sick-strike thing, thus resulting in cancelled flights. I have an idea. How about we stop throwing sweet deals at unionized companies so that they can hub here and ensure that we don’t have flight service. I have never had a single experience with Northwest Airlines that has in any way left me with the impression that anyone employed by the company deserves a raise. I’m flying Sun Country. Next.


Side note: The other films being previewed were “The Game Plan”, a whacky comedy in which the Rock has to take care of a seven year old, and another Dr. Seuss remake featuring the voice of (ugh) Jim Carrey. Again, don’t care if you have kids, I will gladly judge you if you see these films. Rent Fluke and The Secret of NIMH and tell everyone to be quiet.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Disowning my Representative

It's official. I am disowning Representative Keith Ellison. Or Representative X, or whatever we're supposed to call him. I'm done with him. Oh, don't get me wrong. I was never a fan. Maybe it's the anti-Semitism, which he was able to cover up with the help of his drooling cheerleaders at the Star and Sickle. Maybe it's the fact that he rode a combination of a strong 3rd party challenger and fanatical support among a constituency that likely had no idea to what position they were electing him.

So yeah, he's not my cup of halal, so to speak.

Addressing the Minnesota association of Atheists (or whatever), Ellison compared the 9/11 attacks to the burning of the German parliament in 1933, an act which was widely considered to have been executed by the Nazis themselves in order to augment their own power. The implications are clear enough. 9/11 was a hack-job perpetrated by the new Adolf Hitler.

Thanks, liberals, for this guy. Nice work.

Setting aside snarky questions of whether Ellison intends the comparison to be complimentary, this is a manifestly irresponsible thing to say. Naturally, it drew applause from the Atheists, thinking bunch that they are (I'm the retrograde neanderthal, remember). Ellison then added to his offense by stating that he would never blame the Bush administration because "that's how they put you in the nut-ball box."

The nut-ball box? Well, here's one black man who will never be accused of being articulate. To the extent that the "nut-ball box" exists, those associated with Louis Farrakhan are squarely in the center of it. See, civilized people think of Jew-hating as an absolute wrong. In fact, and Ellison might not know this, Hitler was actually notorious for executing Jews. En masse. Seriously, you can look it up.

I find it telling that the only reason Ellison hesitates to hold Bush accountable for executing the 9/11 bombings is because such a statement might be seen as uncouth. Who cares whether the claim has any merit, or even makes any sort of plausible sense? Why would anyone stage a bombing for the purpose of entering a war that would inevitably become unpopular? Does Ellison ever consider these sorts of questions?

Does anyone reasonably think that, behind closed doors, or over drinks at the press club, Ellison is admonished for this hysterical rhetoric? Do you think Nancy Pelosi takes him aside and say "look, Mahmoud or or whatever your name is, cut down on the freaky... Cause it's, you know, freaky." Where is Barack Obama on this? Shouldn't he be condemning the buffoonery? If you're not against the buffons, you are with them.

I am against them, and I therefore secede from Ketih Ellison's district. In fact, I might see if I can just get my whole neighborhood to join me. We'll just hop on over to Ramstad's neck of the woods. Good Republican. Strong message discpline. Not crazy. Ellison can keep Phillips and North Minneapolis. Nobody wants those anyway. He and Rybak can have their own nice little nut-ball box to play in.

If only...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Counterpoint: Take a Swim!

Our swimming pools have never been safer, or more refreshing! You should take a dip. You know how the media gets. Some kid dies and its suddenly news-worthy. Hey, if dying is an achievement, Bangladesh should get some sort of international prize.

But seriously, swimming pools are nothing but good, old fashioned, H20. It's the same water that you and I drink, with chemical additives so you don't get e-coli. Water serves many purposes. We need it to live. Fish breathe in it. It keeps us afloat. Damn versatile, water...

Swimming pools are about as dangerous as harmless squirrels, except swimming pools don't dig up your flower beds. Heh, heh. I'm just kidding. They don't, though.

Opponents of swimming ignore the benefits of swimming. Swimming allows us to exercise, keep cool, even escape political oppression. Best of all, swimming pools unite us as a nation. Remember Mark Spitz? How our nation rallied around him? Thanks to Mark Spitz, we won the Vietnam war.

Hey, it's not about fact-checking. And it's certainly not about kids getting sucked into cleaning systems and drowning. That's downright un-American for you to bring that up. It's about the visceral pleasure of plunging into an icy pool, the rush of cool water titillating our unmentionables.

Say it with me folks: I wanna swim the hardest!

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but it's hot out there. Aren't you glad that the Japanese invented swimming so that you and I can get a reprieve from that bitch-goddess known as mother nature? She would skin you children alive if she had the chance. She did mine.

So the next time you hear some tsk-tsker talking about imposing onerous regulations on our liquid pasttime, you tell them and tell them that you've had it with their lies. For effect, I suggest you change into your swimsuit right in front of them.

I'm Chaz Ferguson, president of All American Recreation, and that's my cultural minute.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Monday Musings

It’s Monday, I haven’t had enough caffeine. Let’s drop it like it’s hot.

With Fred Thompson surging in the polls, the political left seems to be getting rather anxious. The National Association for Abortion Euphemisms breathlessly released a report stating that Thompson once lobbied on their behalf.

A couple of thoughts. First, I don’t care, and nobody who is pro-life cares. The man ushered a Bush Supreme Court nominee through the confirmation process. There is no reason to think that he would not nominate a judicial conservative. There is no reason to think he will not support pro-life policy.

As for whether he might have been (or even might be) pro-life. I don’t care. It’s my party, support my viewpoints. If a pro-life ethic violates your conscience, then violate your conscience. Politicans represent the people. Not vice versa. I don’t care about your conscience. The “abortion” flip-flop argument is only of interest to those who support abortion anyway.


Also, if that’s the best they can do as far as hitting Thompson, that is awfully promising.

Memo to Julie Ann Meier… If your boyfriend is scalding his daughter to death because she doesn’t want him to rape her anymore, and keeps the phone away from you so you can’t call the police, here’s what you do.

1) Take a big sharp knife.

2) Stab his balls.

3) Take the @#$@$%^ phone away.

Everybody wins.


My friend Matt Terry and I coined a phrase to describe the myriad Chilis/OG/TGIF/Bennigans type chains out there… “Frontage Road Foodstuffs” will be the new blithe putdown for the pretentious among us. All hail the new phrase. No let’s go get some whiskey chicken nibbles.


So, the Los Angeles soccer team (what are they, the Comets? The Phantoms? I’m not taking the time to look it up) finally debuts with David Beckham. For those who don’t know, Beckham is an aging soccer superstar who had a movie named after him, and married Posh Spice (who still, apparently, goes by that name). LA paid him 25 million dollars a year, which is a bit like the Canadian Football League paying $25 million a year to bring over Daunte Culpepper, but I digress.

Apparently, Major League Soccer has high hopes for Beckham. His MN debut will take place in the Metrodome, with tickets costing $40. Granted, most Minnesotans don’t even know what soccer is, and none of us watched Beckham when he played over in England, but hey, let’s bank on filling a 50,000 seat dome at $40 a head.


In related news, the Syracuse Zodiacs of the LaCrosse association inked Laser of American Gladiators fame to an 8 year, $130 million deal, and the Canadian National curling team hired Wilford Brimley in exchange for a free CAT Scan and a bottle of Drambouie.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Conventional wisdom

It's sunny and breezy outside! In July. This is irrefutable proof that there is no global warming.

Also, Bush is just like Hitler, which is pretty obvious.

We need to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Tax cuts for the rich are bad for the least of these.

Our two party system doesn't give Americans enough choice. You can't put me in a box like that.

If you are pro-life, you have to be pro-life across the board. That means you have to be a pacifist. This is obvious.

The Olive Garden is excellent.

We should stay the course. It's time for the troops to come home.

Nick Punto does things that don't show up on the stat sheet.

So does Mark Madsen.

Minnesotans are just nice.

It's fantastic that Minnesota has a Muslim congressman. Cultural diversity is never not good.

Less guns, more hugs.

The Harry Potter series represents some of the greatest literature American history has ever known.

Grandma's lived a good life.

We can solve starvation in Africa as long as we just work together.

Everybody Loves Raymond was a well written show.

If you buy a condo, then you don't have to mow your own grass, which is worth any cost.

Steel appliances make everything look nicer.

Heineken is drinkable.

It's funny to quote Will Farrell movies.

Every trilogy is worth watching.

iPhones are a great investment.

You might as well just get a cat.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Cheers for Walmart

So, my wife and I recently discovered Walmart. I had always regarded Walmart with a certain measure of contempt. They are ugly, and prominently feature Subway sandwiches in many of their stores, which is ironic given that the overwhelming majority of Walmart shoppers are morbidly, if not disturbingly, obese.

Then, I had to fix my rental property. God bless you, Walmart.

See, I could go to, say Hirschfeld's and drop $28 per gallon on paint, $20 on rollers, $25 on brushes etc... In exchange for the several hundred extra dollars, I'd get a smile to go with about 90 seconds of amicable customer service.

The knock against Walmart is that it puts mom & pop shops out of business. My dad owned a book shop once. Tom Sawyer's Book Raft. Then a B'Dalton's moved in next door. Now he's in prison. So if it weren't for B'Dalton's, the entire population of Kalamazoo, MI would have to look elsewhere for their pop-up books.

Walmart doesn't put mom & pop shops out of business. Moms & pops do. Contrary to popular belief, it is hard to run a business. It requires a measure of skill, in addition to hard work. Moms and pops tend often to lack skill. That's why we call them "moms" and "pops" and not, say, businessmen.

Midtown Phillips abounds with mom & pop businesses. They are sticky and smell like raccoon pee. Have at it.

Walmart puts K-Mart and Cub Foods out of business, which is why unions hate them, which is why anti-Walmart propaganda abounds. Which is why snot-nosed trust fund babies in Central Park hate it so.

Come to think of it, there's another reason to love Walmart.

The other knock on Walmart is that it strongarms producers, forcing them to lower prices. So? I don't have any particular loyalties to Frito Lay corp., do you? Besides, Frito Lay put wholesome nutritious meals out of business, so they are getting their just desserts. The hell with you, Frito Lay.

I bought a 1 lb. bag of lentils for 59 cents. That is stupendous. Adjusting for inflation, that is the cheapest bag of lentils I have ever bought. That's like, 1/1000th of a cent per lentil. I am seriously considering bathing in lentils to save on my water bill.

If you don't like it, you can shop at Target, which is the same thing except they have better marketing and they sell "Choxie".

I'll just be right here at the Walmart.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Tuesday Musings

I've had a nasty week. Let's take it out on society together.

I attended (and sorta emceed) my 10 year reunion this weekend. That yielded the following conversation between myself and Jill, a friend-of-a-friend.

Keviin: Hey, so are you still a cop.
Jill: Ummm...
Kevin: Oh wait that was Laura. I always got you two mixed up.
Jill: Do I like like her?
Kevin: Sorta.
Jill: Hmmmm....
Kevin: So what do you do these days.
Jill: I'm laid off.
Kevin: I'm sorry to hear that. Where from?
Jill: American Express.
Kevin: Oh because of the buyout.
Jill: Yeah. Wachovia. How did you know about that?
Kevin: Ummm... My wife works for Wachovia.
Jill: Hmmmm...

Good times...


Engaged in a conversation (if you can call it that) with someone on the Jim Wallis blog. A fellow made the argument that we should have Nuremburg type trials for Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice. Hmmm... I questioned whether he had thought out the implications of Nuremburg w/r/t whether we should try military captains and the like. This enraged him (you are free to wish the President dead, but you must not, under any circumstance, question the troops) and he began calling me a chickenhawk, citing his 8 years as an army reservist. A couple of thoughts:

1) If you have served in the military, and you use it as a bludgeon in a political discussion (or any discussion, for that matter) you are automatically an ass.

2) The chickenhawk argument has no merit. The notion that those who have not served in the military cannot advocate for a particular war effort is meaningless unless you believe that the military should make all foreign policy decisions (or that we must institute a draft). So, unless you want military rule, don't call someone a chickenhawk, whether you served in the military or not.


Incidentally, if a war advocate is a chickenhawk, what does that make a pacifist?


Remember Project X, that movie where Matthew Broderick, with the help of a monkey, saves other monkeys? I was just thinking about that movie, and the fact that it was made.


The price of milk is going up! This is particularly awesome since, thanks to price controls, the price of milk never went down. Thanks dairy famers! I'll think of you whenever I'm choking down some delicious soy on top of my Kashi.


My vote more most average movie of all time? Finding Forrester. IMDB reminds me that I saw the film, and even rated it. I cannot, for the life of me, remember it. Apparently, a young black man with a gift for writing finds Sean Connery, a reclusive old writer. I think he also learns about life, from the man, probably.


The Beckham's have arrived! Frankly, I find David Beckham to be trifling, even foppish. I tire of him. Take him away.


Laterzzzzz! Ha, ha... It's just fun... Funzzzzz? I'm on a roll.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Memo to Michael Moore

Dear Mike,

Long time no see. Have you saved the world yet? Ha-ha. Just kidding. I know you're tryin' buddy. Say, I caught your appearance on CNN last week. You certainly took Dr. Gupta and Wolf Blitzer to task. I wanted to address your points in a cogent manner...

You want to know why health care is so expensive in America? It’s because lard-asses like you exercise your God-given, constitutionally-protected right to cram enough calories down your throat to feed a Sengalese basketball prospect with upside.

Look, if my taxes are paying for YOUR health care, I want a full time army reservist in your basement with an M-16 pointed at your ample bosom, making you sweat to the oldies until you resemble a meth-addled Karen Carpenter.

Forget gastric bypass. Socialized medicine has no room for such frivolity. I’m going Pakistan on your ass; I want your tongue and your teeth. We’ll put you on the “mashed peas” diet, like some horrific, corpulent version of the Gerber baby. We’ll make you wear wrist guards so you don’t choke on your own fist.

Until that time, I’ll decline the opportunity to learn about health care policy from a guy who has a Ho-Ho stuck in his colon.

TTFN. Say hi to President Carter for me!


A Fan

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Inspired by the JLP

You've been a bad boy. That's bad. Bad. Yeah, I'm gonna punch ya! I'm gonna punch ya!

Bad doggy, Punchy, punch, punch. I'm the dogpuncher. I do this because it feels socially acceptable. No use barking, cause once I starta punchin', I don't stoppa punchin'.

That was my italian accent. Did you like it? Did that work for you? I'm like Balboa, only I punch dogs like any respectable man would.

You know what I'm gonna do once I get all this dogpunchin out of my system. I'm gonna have a Pabst and smoke menthols. Smoother smoke, those menthols. Nothing like a beer and a refreshing cigarette after I get through punchin' some damn dogs.

Get over hear. I'm not done punchin' you, pup. They called me goldenfist when I was in high school cause I punched my science teacher in the kidney. Sent him to the emergency room. Yeah, I got expelled. Now I punch dogs. So everything worked out.

Gonna punch ya' right in the teeth!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Don't think about the city of Minneapolis

Don't do it. Who cares if the lawn was mowed, and you actually paid someone to take care of the weeds. Out of sight out of mind.

So, I had a yellow tomato on my bagel this morning. After I ate it, I realized I forgot to wash it. Uh-oh. Now I'm probably gonna get tomato-AIDS or something. Or bird flu. Do tomatoes carry bird flu?

It's cool... Oh sure, $200 for a mowed lawn because some incompetent city inspector went on auto-pilot and.... But that's in the past.

So, anyone catch the new Harry Potter movie? How many of these things are there? Twelve? It's like a gay version of a the Police Academy series. And there is another book out. I think the whole thing should just end with Harry retiring from being a warlock or whatever and starting a small vineyard in Paso Robles. This could be fodder for an offbeat, serio-comic television series. Potter's Grapes will be the working title.

R.T. Rybak can take his inspector gestapo, trolleys, and bike paths and shove them up is pale, liberal, effeminate ass!!!!!! But why get worked up? He's worse than slavery, though.

You know what's better than slavery? Kettle-cooked potato chips from Trader Joes. Lightly salted, crisp and hearty. Betcha can't eat just one! Ha, ha. I know, that's Frito Lays line, but it's true. They're addicting. Once they gitcha, they gitcha! That's okay, they have 33% less fat than the leading brand. And they're only $1.69 per bag...

Which is a great way to take your mind off the fact that an HVAC inspector leveraged the possibility of failing your boiler inspection if you did not pay $150 for a boiler vaccuuming. That's not a racket at all. No wonder people live in the suburbs. To the good people at Vogt Heating and Air Conditioning, my commendations on this particular tailpipe job. You have gamed a bureaucratic mess of a system. Congratulation. It will be my pleasure to watch your family rot amongst the spawn of Satan for all eternity... But that's not what this blog is about.

Anyone going to Valleyfair? I wanna ride the new coaster? Who's up for a Valleyfair run? NOWWW!!!


Monday, July 09, 2007

Monday Musings

Are y'all ready for some sass? Cause that's what you're about to get. I put the 'ass' in 'sass'.

So Virginia has passed legislation introducing new fine for speeding. $1,050. Um, what? The goal is to raise money for the state transportation board. They also passed a law requiring children to be in car seats until the age of nine. Living in a nanny state like Minnesota, land of the 7:55 beer run, I fully expect our legislators to out do a regressive state like Virginia. Car seats for all minors (and adults under 5'2") and $400,000 speeding tickets. Larry Pogemiller is drooling.


Fogo de Chao has arrived in Minneapolis. The concept is simple. You sit down to a plate, silverware, a napkin, and a little disc with a red side and a green side. You turn up the green side, and a billion Brazilian men come out with skewers full of sirloin, filet mignon, sausage, lamb, bacon-wrapped chicken. All you can eat, served immediately. When you turn over the red side, they stop, just like that little ghost in the Super Mario Brothers castles. It's the anti-California Pizza Kitchen. Brilliant. I'm like a schoolgirl. I fat, ugly schoolgirl.


That little ghost was an SOB.


As I mentioned in a previous episode, the city requires a truth-in-housing inspection. The inspection is redundant, costs about $300, and exists solely to put a $25 filing fee in the pockets of our incompetent city. The best part? Because of the shape of my boiler (or something), the city requires a separate boiler inspection, costing $200, which again exists to put a $25 filing fee in city coffers.

That's $500 to sell a house in Minneapolis that other suburbs don't have to pay, in existence to our exorbitant property tax rates. Of course, I can't really complain about property taxes. How else would we pay for all the wrecking balls to knock down the failing schools that nobody (including our own Brokeback Mayor) wants their children to attend?


One of the hobbyhorses of the political left is the desire for more governmental control of the radio airwaves. See, most radio stations are driven by ad sales. Ad sales come when listeners, you know, listen. Obviously, they are more inclined to listen to conservative radio than to, um, Al Franken. And so this has become a huge thing among the Dailykos set, which is convinced that corporate interests have conspired to silence them.

So there are initiatives in Congress to solve this non-problem by either reinstating the fairness doctrine (thereby ending conservative radio by legislative fiat), or creating more government-controlled radio stations to offset conservative radio (these come disguised as "cultural" or "city" stations.)

Frankly, I think government radio has lived its little time. If you like Prairie Home Companion that much, pay for it.


CNN plays in our office constantly. On CNN, every piece of news is now introduced as "Breaking News" with requisite fanfare. This morning, after the flashy graphics display, we cut to two reporters giggling and chatting. The story? "The Debate over Iraq". How can the analysis of an ongoing situation possibly be considered breaking news? This is what Anderson Cooper has wrought.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Morally necessary?

Sometimes the religious left cuts the crap and just admits that they are really simply providing a religious cover for socialist propaganda. Such is the case today, with an utterly unremarkable post by some fellow named Gareth Higgins. The article enumerates the challenges facing Gordon Brown, the new Prime Minister succeeding Tony Blair. Read the whole thing here .

In particular, we get this bit of abject nonsense.

How will he provide the kind of moral leadership that recognizes that the poor cannot be released from poverty without it costing the rich? Will he have the courage to develop truly re-distributive economic policies?

In what sense does economic redistribution, a notoriously failed practive, rise to the level of moral leadership? Could Mr. Higgins please enlighten us with an example of a nation that has released the poor from poverty by way of taxing the rich?

If economic redistribution holds the key to ending poverty, to the extent that God has in fact mandated the practice (without telling us, of course), surely we have a template for a nation that has done so. There must be a roadmap somewhere, unless we believe that God would craft a mandate, only to have it disregarded by literally every nation in existence throughout the history of mankind.

Yeah. no dice. Look, this dude isn't terribly smart, so I can see where he might be persuaded to believe that God inherently supports his particular ideology. Conservatives do that too (a stopped watch is right twice a day, yes?). The brain naturally makes connections where none exist. Gareth is a socialist. Gareth is (probably) a Christian. Therefore it is Christian to be socialist.

In reality, however, one must present evidence in order to be persuasive. The preponderance of evidence suggests that large-scale economic redistribution slows the economy. A slow economy generates poverty, on account of the economy being, you know, slow. Would Mr. Higging prefer to live in, say, France, or Cuba? Probably, but this is a preference borne of profound ignorance.

This seems to be the game with the Christian left. Spout a manifestly untrue political point. Throw some "least of these" language at it, and you have yourself a movement.

One could make a stronger Biblical case for he continued practice of stoning homosexuals than for a perpetuating a socialist government, but that is of no consequence. Assertion + scripture somehow becomes a compelling argument. The Bible, then, is reduced to the level of myth. An insightful document, worth mining for talking points, but nothing that ought to be considered truth.

Any real Christian organization would lobby against this attitude. Sojourners embraces it. What does that tell you?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Do you know what tomorrow is?

Tomorrow is fireworks go boom! BOOM BOOM BOOM!

I am excited for this. I think it’s going to be great taking in the sights and sounds of patrioism exploding before our eyes. Just like President Lincoln.

I’m gonna wear my hat, so I look all handsome for the BOOM BOOMS. I am very excited about the opportunity to show just how desperately I care for this country. This country is magical.

Sparkler tiiiiiiiiiiime.

Sometimes the fireworks go like BOOOOOOOOOM and start fires and everyone dies and makes the national news.

One time, in Detroit, they had the fireworks beatings. A couple old ladies went boom. That’s how Detroit rolls. They’re always burnin’ and beatin’ people in Detroit. They can’t help it.

In Minnesota, we just sit back and watch the BOOM BOOMS! And thank God we live in a free nation. Except for Keith Ellison. He wants to kill the Jews, which isn’t very patriotic. I won’t let him wear my hat. It wouldn’t be right.

My favorites are the fireworks that go pshhhheewwwww pshhheeewwwwww pshhhheeeewwwww. And they’re green. Green fireworks for the red, white and blue. Would make my grandpa sick, if he were alive today, which he is not.

Problem with fireworks is that the mosquitoes gitcha. Real itchy when that happens. I think of the Mosquitoes as communist China, working with Google to systematically eliminate our rights. God’s terrorists, the mosquitoes.

We always bring a blanket to the fireworks. Please don’t step on our blanket. You wanna go boom too? I will make that happen.

Uncle Sam wants you to enjoy the BOOM BOOMS!!!!!!!!!


Monday, July 02, 2007

Monday Musings

After a brief absence, a post!

Visited the Midtown global market for the first time yesterday. For once, the city of Minneapolis did something right. The feel of an international bazaar, live music, great food, lots to look at. Unfortunately, it was virtually empty on a Saturday afternoon.

Alas, the bumper-sticker politics set has shunned probably the most interesting cultural development in the city. This reinforces my contention that our cities liberals are simply white trash with a Prius and a dash of sanctimony. Put down the Chipotle and prove me wrong, yuppies, or I’ll have to ask you to remove the stupid “C03x1St” bumper sticker from your Volvo. Thanks.


Caught “Pan’s Labrynth” on DVD this weekend. Can’t say I buy the hype on this one. Curious disconnect between the alternating storylines, which is troublesome for a film endeavoring to be allegorical. Plus, the faun character looked distractingly like David Bowie from that other “Labrynth” crossed with the dude from the “Beauty and the Beast” TV series.


Incidentally, the box for the film reads “From the director of Blade II and Hellboy.” Is that why people are watching this movie? That’s like the trailer for Lord of the Rings boasting “From the Director of Meet the Feebles”.


In my ongoing battle with the Rybak Gestapo (e.g. city inspectors), I recently received a notice to add screens to every window. This is a ludicrous request for a 100 year old house (with which virtually no house in South Minneapolis complies). I call the inspector, and his response is to “just put up a few to get your neighbor to stop whining.”

I have been doing quite a bit of work on the house, and have noticed that the aforementioned whiny neighbor has now made his bathrobe standard attire. That’s right folks, your tax dollars are being spent appeasing an alcoholic who cannot even bother to DRESS HIMSELF.

This is why I vote Republican people.


What is it with otters, all of a sudden? The hell with otters. There’s a war on.


I wonder how the left-wing twitosphere is responding to the bombings in Britain. They can’t really call it a hoax, what with all the photos. They could argue that the Bush administration was responsible, but it would be hard to fix him with a motive, other than abject cruelty, and if Bush wanted to be cruel, why not wait for hurricane season? I think they’ll go the mind-bendingly inconsistent “Bush has done nothing to stop al-Qaida” route. Let’s go see….

The answer is… Ignore it completely. Yeah, that wasn’t the major news over the weekend folks. Just an airport bombing. The real news is that Bush is still a stupidhead. A stupidystupidhead at that. Fantastic.


I bet you any amount of money that, after donning his bathrobe for the day and taking a few sips of day-old whiskey, my ex-neighbor posts as Cheneykill44 on Democratic Undergound. That completes my picture of him nicely.

That’s all folks. I’ll try to actually blog this week, much to your chagrin.