Friday, January 25, 2008

Hot Romney

Hello. My name is Hugh Hewitt. You may remember me from such guest appearances on Fox News and CNN. I even have my own radio show, and I blog. You see why I am important. I am a movement conservative.

Now I know what you are thinking: why am I writing on Kevin's blog? Isn't today "Top Ten Fridays?" Well Kevin, find a password that can’t be guessed by going through your wife’s sock drawer. Idiot. Your blog is now the perfect conduit for my only ambition, the unending promotion of Mitt Romney’s candidacy for President of the United States.

Now, I've been accused of "Romney cheerleading", probably because I wrote “A Mormon In The Whitehouse”. But really, I would want Romney to live in my house. I would marry Mitt Romney if I wasn't against gay marriage, which I am, but less so recently. I wish I were Mormon so he would hug me and let him wear his special space underwear.

You know what I think of Mike Huckabee? Well I don't think about him anymore since he hasn't won a primary since Iowa. Yeah, I went there. Have you heard of Nevada? Zing, Huckabust. See what I did there, from a comedic standpoint? Romney rules. Look, I don't want my president to be like the guy I work with. Sometimes I do work with the poor. Have you ever talked with the poor? They’re dumb! See how I reasoned that one through? It's like math, but different.

My real concern these days is John McCain. Seriously, that guy is more liberal than Hillary Clinton. That is an indisputable fact that is proven with easily Googlable information. He's also a flip-flopper like John Kerry. I tried calling up the Swift Boat guys to see if they would run a smear campaign against him, but they muttered something about “above reproach from every conceivable standpoint” and hung up on me. If I could re-torture John McCain I would.


Fred Thompson is awesome. He made the right choice dropping out of the race. Now his 4% of the vote will vote Romney, because that's the way they like it. Don-don! Sorry. I like to make the Law & Order noise. Don-don. Here, watch me do it to this toddle. DON-DON! Scared you! Stupid baby.

Romney won Michigan. And you know what that means? It means he will be the next President of the United States of America. Michigan represents everything that is right about America, probably. I have never been there. And even if he doesn't win he will still make good on his promises to his downtrodden unemployed supporters. Unlike the other guys, Romney has never changed his position on anything. I have every reason to swallow whole his newly-minted conservatism. Why? Because Rich Lowry says so.

Lowry in the house. Smokin Aces!!!! POLYGAMYYYYYY!

Mitt Romney, if you are reading this, please visit me again. I want to run my fingers through your hair. It is my dying wish. I have cancer. That isn’t true, but can I… Just, you know, stroke your Mormon hair? I won’t ask any of the tough questions, or throw you a curveball. Just, the supple touch of my man-hand against your tingly follicles.

I don’t really have cancer. I’ve just got Romney fever!

Thanks for reading.


Anonymous Peter said...

Hewitt's got the Romneycancer!

11:25 AM  
Blogger Adam Omelianchuk said...

I think Hewitt did go to the University of Michigan's Law school. Oh well, I didn't write this....

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Uosdwis R. Jawoh said...

And that would be why you are on Kevin's "enemies" list, Adam.

1:30 PM  

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