Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A lawless city?

On New Year's Eve, the neighbor of one of my friends, Jamis Marks, was shot to death. Today, the Star Tribune announced that they have two "persons of interest". Translation: Police know who did it. Anyone who has spent a night at Johnny A's knows who did it. Hell, I probably know who did it.

Solving these crimes isn't rocket science. When thugs kill people, they tell people they killed people, and those people tell people they kill people. Oh, and they pulled over the guy in October, illegally possessing drugs as well as the same type of bullets used in the shooting. Oh, and he had been arrested for robbery three times and drug possession twice. I guess that sort of seals it, doesn't it.

Which begs a fair, though oft-repeated questions (by Republicans). Why on Earth wasn't this fellow in prison? Like, for, oh, I dunno, life? What, eaxactly, is the criminal penalty for committing a crime in Minneapolis?

Years ago, I experienced two automobile break-ins at my South Minneapolis home. Yawn, right? Robbery is just the Minneapolis way of saying hello. It's sort of Gypsy rules in Phillips anyway; possession equals ownership. I'm stealing your f----- stereo, cold enough for yah? Vote Rybak!

Naturally, both pled guilty and received sentences of, well, nothing at all. In fact, I received a much stiffer fine for failing to remove a dead tree from the premises. See, the unspoken (though certainly understood, by the right people) rule in Minneapolis is that there is no punishment for not only your first felony, but several felonies thereafter.

Don't believe me? Call your local precinct. The operator will be happy to tell you all about it. This isn't angry white man blog hyperbole.

As such, Minneapolis has become a tourist destination for miscreants from Omaha to Gary, Indiana. Our generous welfare policy (give us your tired, your poor, your rapists...) combined with our sissy judges create a sort of panacea for those of stultifyingly ill-repute. Oh, and then there's the mayor.

Cynicism aside, there is a real problem. The sad thing is that the problem is eminently fixable. Let's look at mice for a moment...

Mice are awful, and a bit terrifying, unless they're in cages. They also tend to invade homes with alarming regularity. Left to their own accord, they recruit friends, and multiply, feasting on your Doritos and Almond Joy. Lazy homeowners leave spring traps, hoping that either the noise or the mere presence of traps will solve the problem.

But a diligent homeowner lays glue traps. The mice invariably ignore the traps at first. Then, they get cocky (and maybe a little hungry) and seek to expand their territory. One lovely evening, you find one of the gray bastards, writhing and squirming, it's flesh tearing against the unremitting adhesive.

What is the lesson for homeowners? In a city that welcomes mice with open arms, do your able best to be a glue trap. Call 911 constantly, on everyone. Buy a gun, if you are suited to gun ownership. Scream at the loiterers to get off your property. Call your ineffectual city councilperson (100 times or more works best). And, when possible, fight back violently.

Who knows? If there are enough stinking, bloody mice on the floor, the people of Minneapolis might decide it's time to buy a cat. Elections of all kinds are just around the proverbial corner.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Uosdwis R. Jawoh said...

You awful bastard.
I can't believe you would use glue traps. They're so inhumane.
Mice are people too, you know!

8:06 AM  
Blogger Adam Omelianchuk said...

I've been looking up a lot of cases through MN DOC and I have to say Henn. County is a joke. The guy who was part of the stabbing behind my house has been in court 15 times in the last decade pleading guilty each and every time to a felony. My conclusion? It simply does not matter if you are arrested in Minneapolis. Our cops are good people, but our judges are fools.

10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

god. move to maple grove already.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Renee Klitzke said...

or just saint paul.

university avenue says it all. on the way into st paul from murderapolis, you have to stop at every red light. we make you fight for it. no criminals fleeing this way. headed east, it's a different story - you want out? sp says SEEYA.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

"god. move to maple grove already."

No, and to hell with you for suggesting such a thing.

Cities are worth fighting for. Diverse communities are worth fighting for. People interacting with each other, living close to their workplace, and experiencing a cohesive culture are worth fighting for.

But you raise a good point, if obliquely (and anonymously, you candyass)...

There exists a pervasive attitude amongst entitled city dwellers and suburbanites alike that violence and misery go hand-in-hand with urban living. Of course, most who hold to this view live in their carefully parsed corners of the city, experiencing the best of city living with none of the risks. I described you, somewhere, I suspect.

The notion that we ought to trade safety for unity, as though the two are irreconcilable, is a soup poured down our throats by mediocre (and often corrupt) city leadership across the nation. There are political reasons to acquiesce to this paradigm, I suppose, and those who do so tend to remain anonymous (has anyone ever admitted to you that they voted for R.T. Rybak?). Suffice to say, I'm not swallowing.

If you want to play a game of "hipper-than-thou", I can readily dismiss you with the best of them. On issues as fundamental as our very safety, your verbal eye-rolling betrays your ignorance and pedantry.

And if you don't believe me, doobserve the fact that you trolled back over to read the inevitable response to your stupid comment.

12:00 AM  
Anonymous Joe said...

I'll agree with your article and boil it down to my one line cliff notes version...

Why the fuck weren't these people in prison?

There is literally no response to that which makes any sort of sense on any level. 3x guilty of robbery, 2x guilty of weapon possession, they like robbing people, the like having guns, where the hell else did you think this was going to lead?

8:50 AM  

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