Monday, January 21, 2008

Monday Musings

Well, Tuesday for most of you. Hey, I work for a living... Let's muse.

Yay. Giant-Patriots. Just the Superbowl matchup everyone wanted to see. Now, instead of dueling QB legends battling over the fate of a perfect season, we get to hear "Manning is in the Superbowl, but not PEYTON Manning. It's ELI Manning, silly goose. Whodathunkit? WHAT???? WHACKY!!!!" 700,000 times over the next two weeks.

It's the least interesting sports tidbit since Jerome Bettis playing the SuperBowl in Detroit to finish his career. "He's Jerome Bettis! And he's from Detroit!!! Jerome Bettis! The Bus! Detroit Bus Bettis Retire! Bettis, bus win it all Superbowl Detroit, hometown, Bettis Bettis!

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Chuck Norris, whilst campaigning for Gov. Mike Huckabee, levelled the predictable criticism that John McCain, at 72, is too old to handle the pressure of the White House. Let's all take a step back and observe the general level of seriousness with which this campaign has portrayed itself. We had cell phone calls from God, an article on foreign policy that could have been written by an intelligent 9th grade Civics student, and now Chuck Norris questioning whether John McCain is good under pressure.

Memo to Chuck: You know all those things you did in your godawful movies? John McCain could do all those things in real life, until his body got smashed up spending 5+ years in a POW Camp protecting your mediocre ass from commies so that you could bless us with the @#$^%&$ Delta Force series. And, seriously, does Huckabee Chuck "walking material for stand up comedy" Norris really want to take on a candidate with a penchant for intelligently witty retorts?

Huckabee's campaign has devolved into a petulant carnie act. All it needs is a two-headed tiger.

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Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis! HOMETOWN HERO!

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Why do Minnesotans put up with this? I mean, seriously, this is torturous weather. I'm not a slave. I had choices. I could've lived in L.A.

Oh, right...

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Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli. Did you know that his brother also plays quarterback???? Most fans consider Peyton to be superior. Now we are going to have to question that assumption!!!!! OMG!!!! SIDE-BY-SIDE ANALYSIS SPONSORED BY DORITOS!!!!

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Speaking of bad housing decisions (no, this isn't another tirade about the fiends from Tri-Minnesota mortgage just because Keith Trautman is apparently doing business again... Don't go there sister), apparently houses in Rogers, MN are auctioning for pennies on the dollar.

Hmmm. That's puzzling. A non-descript exurb 90 minutes away from a moderately sized city center, and full of unsightly, hastily produced houses isn't surviving a housing slump? Next your going to tell me the condo market in Nairiobi isn't exactly flourishing.

That's okay. I am certain distance from major law enforcement outposts and proximity to several bottom-tier small-town universities with low recidivism rates won't conspire to transform Rogers into one giant meth lab. Nothing to worry about.

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Praise God for Plaxico Buress. He's black on Martin Luther King Day!!!! CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT! BLACK WIDE RECEIVERRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 Comments:

Anonymous Thom said...

Excuse me, but Chuck Norris played a Viet Nam Vet-in THREE Missing In Action Films. How can you say that he is not an authority on whether McCain can take real pressure?!

11:20 AM  

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