Monday, January 28, 2008

State of the Union

If you are like me and didn't get a chance to see the State Union address, I thought I would perform a useful service by reprinting the transcript in it's entirety. For your edifications

(President Bush enters)

Republicans: (cheer for 14 minutes, Olympia Snowe for 8)
Democrats: (make a concerted effort to look disintersted)
President Bush: My fellow Americans
Republicans: (cheer for 9 minutes)

Cut to:

John McCain pretending to hear something someone behind him just said and smiling in approval.

Hillary Clinton beaming insanely.

Barack Obama pretending as though he is earnestly interested in what President Bush has to say, so that he can pretend to earnestly reflect on what the president said tomorrow.

President Bush: Perseverance!

Democrats: Boo!

President Bush: Pass the stimulus package!

Democrats: Acquiescence!

Cut to:

Dennis Kucinich stuffing a monkey into a cannon.

Presdient Bush: Little Johnny has cancer, his father died in Iraq, he has neither arms nor eyes.

Democrats: Little Johnny is virtuous in spite of his imperfections!

Everyone: Hurray for Johnny!

President Bush: Little Johnny told me he is happy to have the gift of life.

Democrats: Boo!

Cut to:

Dennis Kucinich aims the cannon at the podium and fires.

Monkey: Two plus two does not equal fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! (explodes)

President Bush: Armed Forces.

Everyone: VALOOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!

President Bush: Iraq.

Democrats: BOOOO!!!!!

Cut to:

Barack Obama shakes his head disapprovingly, checks watch.

President Bush: Domestic issues!

Everyone: Indifference!

President: Good night.

Republicans: (Applaud for 45 minutes, Chuck Hagel for 15).

Kathleen Sibelius: I am a Democrat from Kansas and, therefore, a pragmatist. George Bush made a number of very important points, all of them wrong.

Pundits: Bush didn't do everything he needed to do, but he did something.

Other Pundits: I disagree! SUPPORTING STATEMENTS!

Hillary Clinton: Blah, blah, blah, smile, smile, smile. Wait, did I actually say "smile" out loud? What I meant to say was, Barack Obama feeds on the flesh of middle class toddlers.

Reporter: What?

Hillary Clinton: FLORIDAAAA!

Obama: (earnest reflection). CHAAAAAAANGE!

McCain: REFRESHING, PSEUDO-HONESTY!!!!!

Mitt Romney: CONSERVATIVE TALKING POINTS!!!!!

Rudy Giuliani: I'M SCREWWWWWWWED!!!!

Mike Huckabee: I have God's vote.

Pundits: All of this was well worth watching. Now back to news about Heath Ledger.

Fox 9 News: What did Minnesota beekeepers think about the State of the Union address? Find out tonight, on Fox News 9.

4 Comments:

Blogger renee said...

You forgot:

Kathleen Sibelius: I. Talk. Very. Very. Slowly. Despite. My. Amazingly. Clear. Midwestern. Accent. In. Order. To. Sound. Profound.

The. Environment. Global. Warming.

There. Weren't. Enough. National. Guardsmen. Left. To. Help. Us. With. The. Tornado. Because. They're. Dying. In. Iraq. We. Are. All. Americans. So. Vote. Democrat.

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Peter said...

It's beautiful, this system of ours!

7:26 AM  
Blogger tony said...

So what did the beekeepers think?? I missed the news at 9!

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Sauce1977 said...

Beautiful! I enjoyed this post thoroughly.

10:18 PM  

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