Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Disturbing Roommate Conversation

Leroy: Hey, I'm gonna need to crash at your place for a couple of nights. Krista said it was alright.

Kevin: Okay, first of all, Krista is YOUR wife, not mine. As such, her permission is meaningless as it relates to my house.

Leroy: ....

Kevin: Yes?

Leroy: I was hoping you'd go to the second point. That first one's pretty airtight.

Kevin: We have a boarder through the end of the week.

Leroy: I was hoping for more of a yes/and scenario here. That was a denial.

Kevin: Those are terms you learned in your improv comedy class. They do not apply here. Why can't you stay in your own home?

Leroy: Krista's painting.

Kevin: The home?

Leroy: The interior, to be precise.

Kevin: Precision is your strong suit, after all.

Leroy: The house smells like paint. I'm all packed.

Kevin: Where is Krista staying?

Leroy: Home. Painting. We've been over this.

Kevin: Why aren't you helping? You like to paint.

Leroy: We couldn't agree on a motif.

Kevin: A motif?

Leroy: Yeah, I was going for kind of a jungle vibe, with angry jungle men gouging each others eyes out, symbolizing the futility of man's existence.

Kevin: Powerful. And what did Krista want?

Leroy: Burgundy.

Kevin: Artistic differences, then.

Leroy: If you can call what she is doing "art". She made me take all my supplies back to the store.

Kevin: You win some, you lose some. Why the new paint job?

Leroy: There was a fire.

Kevin: Sounds serious.

Leroy: A waste of perfectly good tacos. I'll be there in ten minutes.

Kevin: You are not following the trajectory of this conversation.

Leroy: Can I sleep in your car.

Kevin: I don't have a car. You sold it for concert tickets.

Leroy: Didn't insurance cover it?

Kevin: As it turns out, my policy didn't cover "Acts of Leroy".

Leroy: See, that's why I support Obama.

Kevin: You support Obama because you think his ears are funny.

Leroy: You underestimate me. Can I bring my salamander?

Kevin: You are raising the stakes, here.

Leroy: He likes to run around.

Kevin: You're in the backyard.

Leroy: YOU FOUND ME!!!!

Kevin: You can sleep in the basement closet.

Leroy: Just like old times. I brought "Two if by Sea".

Kevin: I only enjoy that movie ironically.

Leroy: ...

Kevin: How many salamanders do you have?

Leroy: Eight.

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