Friday, May 09, 2008


You can imagine my elation...

I should backtrack.

Yesterday, some anonymous soul vanquished Peter Welle, fiend, and recovered my electric shaver. The hero left the shaver, fully charged, inside my front screen door.

Upon having my shaver returned to me, I immediately set to work shaving myself and all of my worldly possessions. Here is a summary of shaved objects, with a shavability score attached to each.

(Scale of 1-10)

Dining room table - 2
Spider - 8
Own toenails - 4
Wife - 1
Couch - 9 (note: wife disagrees)
Remote Control - 7 (surprisingly)
Curtains - 10 (see: Couch)

As I shaved away my existence, I imagined Peter's final moments, the cool realization of eminent death sweeping over his fading consciousness, the dulcet tones of Vertical Horizon straining in the background.

"It's not so bad..."

Shhhh... Peter... Shhhh...

"You're only the best I ever had..."



Anonymous peter said...

It's pretty much how I wanted to go.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Guy Incognito said...

He died doin' what he loved...
Shaving Satan's nether region.

7:56 AM  

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