Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Shavershame

My belligerent lowlife of a friend, author of the John Larroquette Project, an absurd, obliquely pedophilic romp through the man's (lowlife, not John Larroquette's) psyche, has committed an utter trespass against my naive trust.

I once had an electric shaver. It was a birthday gift from my soon-to-be inlaws, a mutual transaction wherein gift satisfied need as to connote filial good graces.

My friend, we'll call him Blake Hopkins, teacher and professional son of a bitch, has wrenched the equation. The man has my shaver people.

I remember my last encounter with my shaver. Its triumverate of blades swirled about my neckline, caressing my whispets of manhood into the creamy stew in the basin below. The vibrating teeth of the trimmer nuanced the overgrowth above my lip into an exquiste coif (a so-called "goatee") that was the envy of the fairer sex.

To imagine those same electric incisors undulating like deranged jellyfish against the jowels of my nemesis makes me seethe. My saliva, engorged by the frothy effluvium of my angst, ejaculates unto my hirsute chin, where it collects like a waiting avalanche. I foam for thee, Blake Hopkins.

My attempts to redeem this voucher of my virility have been rebuffed with efficiency. "Feel free to stop by after 6:30," says the note on the door. "But Bridgette and I might be out for Groceries!!!!!"

Four exclamation points, the excess taunting of my soul. I suppose there won't be any need for shaving cream. May your store-bought good render unto you as poison droplets.

If you are reading this, oh god of that which is tall and ironic, return my man-blade to me. That is, if you can find a moments respite from shaving the Satan's nether regions. That is, after all, your wheelhouse, is it not? Do not think I mis-comprehend the depth of your depravity.

Make with my shaver posthaste, oh Bitch-Goddess of the blogosphere, or I will reign my torrent upon thee.

Seriously dude, can I get my shaver back? I have job interviews, and my sideburns are uneven.

(To be continued)

3 Comments:

Anonymous peter said...

While in my possession, your shaver has been to places no shaver should ever go. Satan's nether regions were only the beginning...

Seriously though, why did you leave your shaver at my house again?

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Thom said...

Man...the way Peter tells this story at editing sessions is very different from your version, Kevin.

12:08 PM  
Anonymous peter said...

I dropped off your precious shaver last night. Are you happy now, you sick bastard?

7:16 AM  

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