Monday, August 25, 2008

Top Ten Fridays - Worst Fair Foods

You've heard from the best. Here is a list of the very worst foods you can find at the state fair, accompanied by entirely rational, balanced commentary.

10. French Fries - There are at least three locations at the fair that sell french fries by the bucket. Getting french fries at the fair is like ordering a burger at a steakhouse. Come on people, live a little.

9. Bull Bites - Take the cheapo minute-steaks you buy at Target. Add horseradish. Charge $7 an ounce. Make this list. Rinse. Repeat.

8. Wine - Minnesota wines are available at the fair. Anyone familiar with Minnesota wine understands that this automatically qualifies them for inclusion on this list. In fairness, whatever Raspberry atrocity the wine garden is peddling this year would make an excellent accompaniment to the other foods on this list. But if you've got a sun headache to kill, stick with Leinies.

7. The Jerky Store - Not to be confused with the bison jerky people near the cattle barns or Sausage by Cynthia (both of which are fine), or the jerky shop near the Lumberjack dealio (from which I have not partaken). I'm talking about the place in the exhibit hall, which has somehow tricked me into engaging their wares twice. Tough, leathery, and flaky are perfectly fine attributes... For a cowboy's crotch. I'll take my dried meats supple, thank you very much.

6. Turkey Legs - Right food, wrong setting. At the Renaissance Festival, where the food is not the focus, there is a certain visceral joy to navigating a full pound of tendinous raphes and ventricles. Fully sated, you are able to spend your food budget on, I dunno, zombie amulets and capes. At the fair, it's never good when the food is sweatier than you are.

5. Deep Fried SPAM Curds - The obligatory "what the hell did you expect?" entry on this list. For the record, they are EXACTLY what you would expect.

4. Deep Fried Macaroni and Cheese on a stick - My order essentially consisted of macaroni and cheese with fried breading on top. That's a casserole, not a delicacy.

3. Hamburger - In a similar vein as french fries, with the added caveat that mass production with limited facilities generally renders some of the most alarming trespasses of the genre. State Fair burgers fall into one of two categories. The watery, cafeteria style "baked" execution, or the overcooked crispy hockey puck. If I had a gun to my head, I'd choose the latter, but the isn't in North Minneapolis, and there's deep fried candy bars 20 feet away.

2. Handmade Tater Tots - Three burnt, marble-sized conglomerations of hash browns, cheese and (ostensibly) bacon and green onion. That's three appearances on this list for the good people at Axel's. I'm beginning to figure out why there is never a line there. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and it's a pretty good bet I'll fall for whatever lame-brained gimmick you throw out there. These are the same people who catered my wedding?

1. Strawberries 'n' Creme - Take a pint of those flavorless, chemically ripened monstrosoties you get at Cub, add 1/3 teaspoon of cream. Yipee. This is why Americans don't eat healthy.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Adam Omelianchuk said...

Getting french fries at the fair is like ordering a burger at a steakhouse.

AMEN!

Also, those Tater Tots didn't look that appealing when you were eating them as we left. Sorry man!

Good hanging out, though.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Casserole or not, for some reason mac n cheese on a stick has become my favorite fair food.

I don't go there for delicacies. I go there for comfort followed by gut rot.

12:23 PM  
Anonymous guy Incognito said...

You're not from around here, you said "casserole."

1:22 PM  
Blogger Jerad said...

Re: the wine--forestedge's rhubard was pretty good--like a slightly fruity chardonnay. The others did leave a little something to be desired...

10:17 AM  

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