Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Disturbing Roommate Conversation

Kevin: Hey Leroy, what's up?

Leroy: Oh, not much. How's Lisa?

Kevin: Again, my wife's name is Khris, but she is fine, to answer the question behind your question.

Leroy: So, yeah, I'm just munchin' on some cheesesticks.

Kevin: I guess so.

Leroy: How do you forty-five the line?

Kevin: That is esoteric beyond all reason.

Leroy: I disagree, but how do you do it?

Kevin: As it relates to cheesesticks?

Leroy: No, the defensive line. How do you forty-five it?

Kevin: I sense that, in certain respects, we have moved beyond a discussion of food.

Leroy: Yeah, this is more of a business question.

Kevin: Clearly.

Leroy: I was told I need to forty-five the defensive line. You know stuff.

Kevin: I do.

Leroy: Tell me stuff.

Kevin: We are talking about the sport with a defensive line consisting of ends and tackles, so called. We are on the same page here?

Leroy: Now we are getting somewhere.

Kevin: You don't play sports. The doctor won't let you, citing "obvious reasons".

Leroy: That seems off topic. I was told to forty-five the line, and I intend to do it.

Kevin: Okay, the term you are looking for is "fortify".

Leroy: Now I'm confused.

Kevin: It means "to augment". You know, vitamins and such.

Leroy: You lost me. Look, I've got a new job, and they want me to fortee-fi the line, or whatever it is. How do you do that?

Kevin: Well, you scour the roster for the best available personnel, which is obvious.

Leroy: Hold on, let me grab a pen.

Kevin: So are we meeting for happy hour? I've been here for 45 minutes.

Leroy: Oh, that's not happening. So... Scour.... Personnel...

Kevin: And then, I suppose, you might look to make a trade, or acquire a free agent.

Leroy: See, this is what the Lions are looking for.

Kevin: I'm sorry, did you say the Lions?

Leroy: Yeah. They had an opening, so I put in a call.

Kevin: I'm sorry, was this opening that of the recently departed Matt Millen?

Leroy: Yeah. It was all over ESPN. Don't you follow sports?

Kevin: Tangentially. Do I understand correctly that you are Matt Millen's replacement?

Leroy: Someone must have tipped you off. But yes, I am the new coach for the Detroit Lions.

Kevin: Um, Matt Millen wasn't the coach.

Leroy: Duh. That was his problem! So we need to trade for some agents to forty-five the line. This is good stuff.

Kevin: At minimum, your knowledge base exceeds that of your predecessor. I thought you were a Packer fan.

Leroy: Um, yeah. I have like six jerseys.

Kevin: So, how do you reconcile your allegiances here?

Leroy: Look, I can make up words too. I am skittlecrotch in the pulchritude. Boombleebo.

Kevin: Actually, pulchritude is a word.

Leroy: But you see my point.

Kevin: So how can a Packer fan run the Detroit Lions?

Leroy: Hold on... Team is from... Sorry, jotting this down... Team is from... Detroit.

Kevin: You can't root for two football teams.

Leroy: Wait, the Lions are a football team?

Kevin: Hypothetically.

Leroy: Then why haven't I heard of them?

Kevin: Have you heard of Barry Sanders?

Leroy: Well, yeah, he's the guy who left that team that sucks... Oh, wait, now it's getting clearer.

Kevin: How much are the Lions paying you?

Leroy: $800k per year.

Kevin: Willikers!

Leroy: All in Ford stock.

Kevin: Oh, so its a pro-bono gig.

Leroy: Yeah, it's pretty good. Anyway, I should go, Calvin Johnson is on the other line.

Kevin: Calvin Johnson?

Leroy: Yeah, I was told to cut payroll, so I'm cutting the expensive players first. He's PISSED. You know, superstar egos. I've never seen him play. Is he any good?

Kevin: Emphatically, yes.

Leroy: Well, I'll probably take some heat for this, but that's what coaches do. Does LaDainian Tomlinson play for the Lions?

Kevin: Nope.

Leroy: I'm running out of options.

Kevin: Just be sure to watch your luggage.

Leroy: Everyone keeps telling me that. Say hi to Sara for me.

Kevin: Um... Will do.


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