Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Cost-saving tips!

With our economy headed to certain doom, never to recover (per prophecy, see: the book of Jesper), people across the country are offering hypocritical savings advice. As a blogger, I lvoe all things that can come in lists, because it's easy for you, the reader, to digest. Isn't that condescending? Here goes:

1) Move to a poor neighborhood. If safety is a concern, get a security system and/or a gun. Bullets are cheaper than high mortgage payments.

2) Make your own food. A bag of lentils costs like 60 cents. The average person eats out five times a week. That's absurd, unhealthy, and means that TGI Fridays can stay in business. Also, while I don't condone eating disorders, well, there's no time like the present. I mean, you look great, but... You could look better... I'm just sayin'.

3) Shop for used cars before your current car goes boom, unless you are considering buying a new car, in which case you probably aren't the type that listens to financial (or, really, any) advice.

4) Shop at JCPenney or Goodwill, especially if you are a guy. Also, if you are a guy, don't wear jeans that cling to your ass. That's not a recession thing, just a "this is church, for crying out loud, quit being gay" thing.

5) Get rid of your pets. Seriously.

6) Craigslist, but not for erotic services. Times are tough. Find your women the inexpensive way... At a third-tier Christian colleges.

7) Drink Three Buck Chuck, or drink real wine, but do not drink Yellow Tail. And no economic crisis justifies drinking White Zin.

8) Don't waste your time going to the movies to watch films that prey upon your political sensitivites. For conservatives, that means no "American Carol". For liberals, no "W" or "Religulous". These movies always suck.

9) Quit buying vitamins, for crying out loud. All they do is make your urine pungent.

10) Do things like sell your car, cancel your cell phone, take a second job (for which you need a ride to work) and generally make life difficult for your friends with your frugality. Then, buy a $3,000 stereo and maintain a $72 per month gym membership at Lifetime. While getting a ride, be sure to lecture your friends about frugality. Be that guy.

11) Go back to school, so that when the economy recovers, you can add an unmarketable skill to your resume.


Blogger Sarah said...

I opted a different way for the housing situation. My advice- move in with a family member. They have to love you no matter what- well almost.

I also hear "Saw 5" comes out this weekend and though it may prey upon my political sensitivities, (death as punishment and all) I'll endeavor to enjoy myself.

Also any kid with emotional problems (see bad neighborhoods) would gladly take your pets for target practice.
I'm just sayin'......

12:44 PM  

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