Monday, October 20, 2008

Peter's Mailbag

Our friends Peter and Bridgette went out of town over the weekend. Peter asked me if we could retrieve his e-mail. I assented, with the stipulation that I would read his mail and post the contents on my blog.

I didn't catch his reply. Something along the lines of "that would be a great idea..." So here goes:

-Coupons for Rainbow Foods. Lean Cuisines are on sale, people.

-A restraining order (addressed to Peter)

-Netflix film: Wagons East!

-An invitation to Christine and Jim's wedding - addressed to Bridgette, with a line through Peter's name and the word "NO" in large letters. Also, the section of the reply card devoted to the number of guests has been matted over with white out.

-Reminders for upcoming rectal exams at four different clinics throughout the metro, all for this coming Thursday.

-Netflix film: Wagons East! (Directors Cut)

-A mailer in support of Barack Obama (discarded)

-An envelope, addressed from Peter's school address, containing dozens of post-it note reminders, most of them having to do with television schedules. Of particular interest, CSI: Miami and "that show about the soldiers". Also, several reminders to "Feed Fluffykins Before Magik wares off (sic)".

-30 Vicodin pills - addressed to Bridgette.

-Correction: 23 Vicodin pills.

-A copy of The Atlantic Monthly

-Netflix Film: Wagons East! (bootleg)

-Another envelope from Peter - One crust of bread dabbed with peanut butter. Accompanying note: "I told myself that I'd be glad to get this. Was I right or was I right?"

(Both note and sandwich (and, to a lesser degree, the Atlantic Monthly issue) are covered with ants.)

-A rejection letter from Target Corporation, which reads:

Dear Mr. Welle,

Thank you for your interest in working for Target Corporation. While your skills are very impressive, we are not currently hiring for the CEO position at this time.

-The self-addressed letter in which I tell my father about all the pain he has caused me. Oops, that's my mail

-Correction, there was no vicodin addressed to Bridgette.

-An Alexander Hamilton action figure



Anonymous Roger said...


5:48 AM  
Anonymous peter said...

Those hiring guys at Target are racist.

7:44 AM  
Blogger Ted said...

I have the complete Founding Fathers Action Figure Set, including Consitution Hall and slave butler.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Slave butler - now with action torso!

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! Slave butler! Slave butler with action torso! Funny!

Wow I could really hang out here! I mean, really! It is so rare to be able to find fellow bigots. And if we're wrong, we are saved by Jesus anyway, right?

5:15 AM  
Anonymous Guy Incognito said...

I'm curious if this is the same "Anonymous" who accused you of an unhealthy obsession with McLaren.
Funny that he shows up in the comments of every one of your posts.
Someone has a secret admirer...

9:54 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

He's like the spammers who only post in the middle of the night. Maybe he's from Poland.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous Thom said...

Naw...he's just from one of the fake parts of America that Palin doesn't like.

6:24 AM  

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