Monday, December 01, 2008

Friday Blackness

On Friday, I engaged in that grand old tradition. After sucking down a 7 lb. ham in it's entirety (accompanied by a full gallon of camembert-infused mashed potatoes), I set out to conquer that grand sweaty leviathan of consumerism.

I owned Black Friday, people.

At midnight, armed with a machete and a cansiter of neuro-toxin, I made my way to Walmart. I lunged through the crowd of miscreants, many of whom had been waiting since mid-October for a reasonably priced kitchen stand mixer. Bellering like Sean Penn trying to earn an oscar nomination, I forced my way to the front of the line, pounding my machete against the glass in rhythm with my pulsing heartbeat.

At 3am, it was go time. The doors opened, and we made short work of the lackey door attendants. I immediately ran to the cookware section to claim my prize, a heavily discounted quesadilla maker.

Apparently, there were also inexpensive electronics. I dunno, I didn't read the circular.

From there, it was a quick jaunt to Herberger's, where I encountered a single mother of four who had her eye on a set of Isotoner slippers. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a set of Rachel Ray brand cooking shears and plunged them into the woman's neck.

On closer inspection, I realized that the slippers were not for me.

I then hit up Arby's, which was featuring a 5 roast beef sandwiches for $5 deal. I pepper-sprayed my way through the surprisingly short line, only to find that Arby's was still serving breakfast. Also, apparently, this special pretty much goes on year-round. If you are a six year old girl, and got pepper sprayed at the Arby's in Bloomington the day after Thanksgiving, I apologize. Santa will hook you up.

From there, I biked to the Kohls Eden Prairie Center where, to my surprise, the Fox 9 Morning News team had set up camp. I ran into Kohls, and purchased four half-price Roomba's and a shiatsu massage pad in a well-intentioned, though misguided, attempt to make M.A. Rosko my queen. Alas, she remains under the power Keith Marler's satanic love spells. But hey, cheap Roombas.

My antics did get me on TV, though. My wife is probably proud of me. Also, I went to Radio Shack and got some random alarm clock that goes, like, peyoooooo.


Anonymous Roger said...

I have that quesadilla maker. I had it a few years and used it a few times...

7:12 PM  
Blogger Patricia said...

Half price roombas?? Why didn't I hear about that :(

-Ubermadchen/Gabby/Patricia from the board.

4:38 PM  

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