Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Movie igniter

We've all been there. We've rented a high-quality, oscar-worthy film, only to have our viewing companion lose interest midway through. Why? Because it's boooooooring.

Let's face it, themes of sexual repression and pastiche don't appeal to everyone. For that someone in your live who demands more gusto from their cinematic experience, I have a solution. The Movie Igniter (TMI) takes your conventional Weinstein Oscar preener, and infuses it with a direct injection of hot action.

Movei igniter films are just like regular movies, with a twist. During the "talkie" parts, TMI edits in a scene of a noun-object (e.g. building, plane, barrel full of bras) followed by a quick one-liner from Samuel L. Jackson, who narrowly escapes the wreckage.

Examples:

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

Sara Goldfarb: What have I got Harry, hm? Why should I even make the bed, or wash the dishes? I do them, but why should I? I'm alone. Your father's gone, you're gone. I got no one to care for. What have I got, Harry?

CUT TO: An oil refinery explosion. Samuel L. Jackson narrowly escapes the wreckage.

Samuel L. Jackson: Boom shakalaka!

REMAINS OF THE DAY

Lewis: You are, all of you, amateurs. And international affairs should never be run by gentlemen amateurs. Do you have any idea of what sort of place the world is becoming all around you?

CUT TO: A tank explosion. Samuel L. Jackson narrowly escapes the wreckage.

Samuel L. Jackson: Happy birthday from hell!

SCHINDLER'S LIST

Itzhak Stern: It's Hebrew, it's from the Talmud. It says, "Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire."

CUT TO: An house explosion. Samuel L. Jackson narrowly escapes the wreckage.

Samuel L. Jackson: I'm gettin' to old for this s---!

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See what I mean! Now, everyone can enjoy films that are worth making. I hear this feature comes standard on blu-ray.

4 Comments:

Anonymous scott said...

that idea is genius! it would make borefests like Garden State so much more exciting!

9:04 AM  
Blogger Memphis Evans said...

I love it. Gosford Park, anyone?

11:47 AM  
Blogger Memphis Evans said...

As long as I'm here, can I ask why your subliminal banner reads "Fort Lauderdale minotaur briefcase context noodles"? I like it just for its own sake, but does it mean anything?

11:50 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Well, if you paid attention, you would realize it says "Fort Lauderdale Minotaur Context Briefcase Noodles". And, of course the mascot for this blog is a Wiccan idol, which makes sense on so many levels.

I think, when I get a real job again, I'll fork over the money for a redesign.

12:55 AM  

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