Monday, December 15, 2008

Rapid Fire Christmas Assault

This series of questions is making its way about the interwebs. Q & A below.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Gift bags. I hate wrapping presents.

2. Real tree or artificial?

Artificial. Real trees make me itchy.

3. When do you put up the tree?

My wife decorates. I come home one day, and it looks like our house has been raped by Macys.

4. When do you take the tree down?

Then, one day, it's like nothing ever happened.

5. Do you like eggnog?

The store-bought crap? No, it tastes like tongue depressors, with which it likely shares a generous portion of its chemical composition.

My own recipe (eggs, cream, sugar, vanilla extract, milk, apricot brandy, light rum, cinnamon and nutmeg) is fabulous.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

Scrabble, Deluxe edition with the rotating board. Still use it to this day. Every time I see a "Triple Word Score", I think of Santa...

7. Hardest person to buy for?

My brother. He returns everything as soon as he reasons that he would not have bought it for himself with his own money.

8. Easiest person to buy for?

My mother-in-law. We ask what she wants, and then she buys it and wraps it. We just reimburse her. More people should be like this.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

Probably. To be honest, I haven't paid that close of attention. Incidentally, have you ever seen the nativity scenes with snowmen randomly interspersed? What the hell is that about? Really? Snowmen came to greet baby Jesus? That's what it's come to?

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

You can e-mail them? If I knew you could get away with THAT... As it stands, neither, but we don't have a baby or a dog.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

When I was eight, my mom decided to get educational on me. I got a chemistry set, a microscope, something called Capsella... I felt like kid Bill Murray in "Scrooged" when his dad buys him a steak.

Also, any time anyone ever made me a gift. Seriously, unless you are a software engineer, making something for your child says to them "I hate you". What is this, the Ukraine? Leave that business to the indirect relatives.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

A Christmas Story.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

About one hour and ten minutes after I begin shopping for Christmas. If it's the thought that counts, then I don't count. I refuse to overly concern myself with this holiday.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

If it's beer or wine, then yes (referring to the bottles, of course, not the contents).

16. Lights on the tree?

This isn't a question, unless you are asking my if I recycle the lights on the tree.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

O Holy Night. That is one unsingable Christmas song.

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home?

Travel to South Dakota. That said, staying home for Thanksgiving was literally the best thing I have ever done.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

Maybe. Blitzer, Donner, Vixen, Dancer, Prancer, Dasher, Blitzen... Is there a Blitzer and a Blitzen? Does Rudolph count as a core reindeer, or is he considered some sort of free agent signing. He's kind of like the Devin Hester of the reindeer.

If there is another one, I'll guess, I dunno... Conner?

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?

I would have to go upstairs. Star, hopefully...

Okay, now I'm curious...

Actually, it's a ribbon tied into a bow. Also, no nativity scene, but plenty of snowmen. Caroling, no less. I guess that's what they do.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?


22. Most annoying thing about this time of year.

Contemporary Christian artists !@#$ing with Christmas carols. Gee, I thought Bing Crosby did a nice version of Silent Night. But now that I've heard it done with a syncopated guitar rhythm and a country twang, I understand the real meaning. Thanks and Merry Christmas, MercyMe.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

I think you've figured out by now that I'm not an "ornament theme" kinda guy.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
The in-laws make strudels, which (in this case) are a doughy, croissant-meets-lefsa scenario, but deep fried. FTW.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

For Americans to finally examine their own consumerist sins, and realize that Christmas is about the simple things. That we say hi to a loved one, say an extra prayer to Jesus, and remember the reason for the season.

(swallowing the tablespoon of puke that has built up into my mouth)

Additionally, I wanna laptop.

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