Friday, December 12, 2008

Top Ten Fridays - Bailout Industries

Now that it appears the auto industry will just have to wait for their bailout, Congress can move onto other bailing out other industries. Below are a few of my humble suggestions.

10. The pen industry. ($20 billion)

Let's face it, everyone has, like, 60 pens. When the going gets tough, we cut back on our pen purchases. Fuzzy pens, pens that light up, pens with our name spelled incorrectly. All stuff that we desperately need, but cannot possibly afford in times of recession.

If the pen industry goes under, we will be forced to use the pens we already own. Once they dry up, we won't have anything to write with. Handwriting skills will plummet, which will cost Americans 1.5 millions jobs according to a study (conducted by Bic).

9. Japanese Auto manufacturers. ($34 billion)

No reason, other than to mess with the Unions. I would chip in for this just to see the look on their faces. Oh, and it will save 5 million jobs probably.

8. Cereal companies. ($300 billion)

When recessions hit, people buy generic cereals that taste just like the name brands they have come to enjoy. If Post and General Mills go under, what will the generics taste like? Nothing. They will be completely out of context. This will cost 14 million jobs.

7. College Football ($28 billion)

The criteria to receive a bailout include producing an outmoded, inferior product, a vague appeal to tradition, and a belligerent refusal to change. College football is the original Detroit automaker.

6. Walmart ($15.3 trillion)

Walmart is actually doing very well, but giving them trillions of dollars would make them better. If we give Walmart trillions of dollars, the only thing that can happen is that 50-60 million jobs will be created. That's what happens when governments give out money. Everybody wins!

5. Marketing firms ($50 billion)

And if you deign to disagree, I will make the reasonable assumption that you callously disrespect me. What's good for me is good for that nation. In short, I want money. Giving me money will create 1.4 million jobs.

4. Public Works Projects ($250 billion)

FDR did it. Therefore, it works. Beyond that, my history is fuzzy. Free jobs!

3. California ($8 trillion)

Wouldn't it be funny if a state with some of the richest people in the world came crawling to Washington, asking for a bailout? Wait, what? That's already happening? Is there such a thing as parody anymore?

2. Print media ($800 billion)

I am very comfortable with the idea of the state paying to sponsor media. From what I understand, this has worked well in other nations. Plus, it will save 30 or 40 million jobs, according to an article in the New York Times.

1. The government ($12.5 trillion)

Since when have we expected Congress to do plausible things?


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