Monday, January 05, 2009

Monday Musings - New Year's Predictions

Now that the old year lies behind us like a freshly killed squirrel, I thought I'd make some bold predictions for 2009:


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This will be the first year that a substantial number of papers go entire online. As a result, paleomedia types will request a bailout, which they will receive in exchange for vastly expanded federal regulations governing content. Obama will appoint some damn czar. No points for guessing how the czar will use his authority.

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Nothing Israel does will satisfy the leftist anti-semites who control the UN and the EU. Realizing this, Israel will beat the sweet piss out of Hamas. Obama will punt on the issue, and be praised for his patience.

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The Lions will draft well, and numerous sportswriters will again make them the sleeper pick to win their division. Two weeks into the season, those same sportswriters will be talking about how obviously bad the team is. The Lions will not win their division.

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A white woman and/or homosexual male will be killed in Northeast Minneapolis and/or Longfellow, causing the cities ruling class to actually care about the city's crime. R.T. Rybak will face a tough, late challenge in the mayoral race

Also, the failure of the amply funded Minneapolis school system will make national news a la Kansas City in the mid-1990s.

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A number of restaurants will close in Minnesota, but most of these will be chains, new openings by holding companies, or flat out crappy restaurants. Overall, good food will be more abundant and more affordable.

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The transition to Blu-ray will be very slow, and the core technology will ultimately be remembered as a stepping stone to a better technology that incorporates the internet in a user friendly way. Early adopters will have essentially wasted their money.

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Al Franken will be a bigger embarassment to Minnesota than Mark Dayton and Jesse Ventura combined. This, in tandem with the bad economy, new taxes (for which most people won't remember having voted) and the above-mentioned city problems will push the state further into the red column.

Mitigating against this phenomenon, an increased portion of our population will head to the Dakotas in search of jobs, higher quality of life, and fewer taxes. At least one "big name" company will relocate to South Dakota. 3M will threaten to follow suit, but will get a deal from the state to remain.

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Julia Roberts will find critical plaudits for yet another crappy performance in a decent movie. The accumulated ire welling within the public consciousness will foment, though, with the release of some Oscar-preening chick drivel.

Coincidentally, Julia Roberts is slated to appear in "Duplicity", directed by Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton) and co-starring Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and Tom Wilkinson. Later in the year, she will appear in "The Friday Night Knitting Club", whose director wrote an Adam Sandler vehicle.

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In spite of his inaugural snub, Jim Wallis will be Barack Obama's Father Coughlin. The left-wing Christian movement will gain traction as the popularity of associating big government ideals with pseudo-Christian rhetoric continues to sway public opinion in traditional red states. The emergent movement will ride these coattails, ceasing to resemble Biblical Christianity in any shape or form.

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Obama's inaugural will be hailed as the greatest in history. It will also be utterly banal.

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By next year's Oscar season will be the best in years, as filmmakers stop making message movies (Milk, W, Syriana, Babel, All the Returning Soliders are Dead or on Meth Part 4) and return to making good ones.

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Card check will pass, and the Eastern European mafia will get a foothold in the United States. Democrats will regard the latter phenomena as a coincidence.

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Barack Obama will sign some legislation in favor of gay marriage or abortion. In order to appear moderate, he will accompany this with the arbitrary decision to reignite the drug war. His base will be pissed, for obvious reasons.

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A right wing counterpart to Dailykos and Democratic Underground will emerge, featuring posts and discussions by angry and hysterically irrational conservatives. It will be embarassing to most conservatives the way Dailykos isn't for Democrats, as paleomedia will finally notice the blogosphere.

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The Bill Richardson fallout will be more damaging to the Dems than they expect, as now the New Mexico governor's litany of past transgressions will be brought to light, and average voters will wonder how this schmuck became a leading light within the party.

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The Republicans won't use the filibuster very often, though it will seem like a lot.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Roger said...

I don't know...it seems like 2008 is still holding on to life, like the squirrel you clipped with your car but is still back there on the road running in circles because you only paralyzed it's entire right side. Soon, though, bodily functions will begin to shut down, the squirrel will have trouble breathing, and its last desperate breaths will be punctuated by bursting bubbles of blood coming from its desperately gasping mouth.

Or maybe it's just me.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Roger said...

Yes, I shamelessly copied this to my blog. You didn't predict that, now did you?

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I predict that in 2009 smart people will worry about a dramatic increase in government spending causing inflation. I predict that dumb people will say, "Yeah, but...jobs...and new roads and stuff."

I moved from South Dakota to Minnesota. There are many regulations that are annoying. I can't imagine what it would be like for a business.

12:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I predict the territorial rights of the Artic will become an overpublicized issue, that there will be more political scandals causing people to scratch their heads in wonderment over how these people ever got elected in the first place.

I predict Oprah will lose weight for the inauguration then gain back even more.

I predict home cooking will become more popular that dining out among people who frequently do the latter.

I predict Peter's blog will ultimately turn into a baby blog.

The Vikings will have another mediocre season and I still won't care about football.

I predict Kevin will consume copious amounts if wine.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kevin's not a bigot, he's man enough to stand for something and voice his opinions. As the saying goes: "if you don't stand for something you fall for everything"

Another prediction, people who have nothing to stand for and who are miserable whiners will continue to comment on this blog.

7:44 AM  

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