Thursday, January 01, 2009

To Vikings fans

You suck...

Not just as fans, but as human beings. To the women: you are exonerated. I've read the Bible, and I've pretty much concluded that there's no helping the type of woman who is attracted to a Minnesotan/Iowan. Seriously ladies, Esther is your ceiling.

To the men: My goodness...

At present, tickets are available at midfield. Not the 30 yard line. Not the 40 yard line. Midfield. For $160 (cheaper if you hit up Craigslist), you can watch an NFL playoff game, featuring your favorite team, at MIDFIELD.

Howzabout some perspective?

- I am a Detroit Pistons fan. Last season, I paid $125 for two corner-court seats to a regular season game against the Timberwolves. The game had no meaningful outcome on the remainder of the season. In fact, most of the Pistons starters sat out the entire game.

- When I was fresh out of college, I paid $150 to watch the St. Louis Rams play the Philadelphia Eagles. Further, I had to sit by myself. I bought the ticket solely out of respect for football (and was rewarded handsomely... that was a hell of a game).

- A regular season Packer game costs more than MIDFIELD TICKETS TO A VIKINGS PLAYOFF GAME... Do I need to repeat that sentence?


Look. I'm a Lions fan. Do you have any idea what it means to declare this fact in a public forum? I am subject to all manner of indignity, not least of which from Vikings "fans" who, apparently, cannot be bothered to go watch their team play.

My wife is a Packer fan, and therefore must accommodate the titters and taunts that accompany her choice of team. Fortunately, for her, she now has the perfect retort... Allow me to roleplay this:

Co-worker A: Hey, are you watching your Packers this weekend? Oh, I guess not, what with their season being over.

Khris: I guess you won't be watching your Vikings either, what with the television blackout.

Co-Worker A: But, I... I like Vikings.

Khris: Oh, so I suppose you have tickets to the game, then.

Co-Worker A: But, the economy.

Khris: Did the economy stop you from dropping $1,500 on tickets to Wicked?

Co-Worker A: But, but, but...

Khris: Upper balcony, right?

Co-Worker A: But, sometimes, I just feel like bursting into song!!!!!

Khris: Of course you do. Did you still want to borrow my cucumber scrub, captain Brokeback?

Co-Worker A: Yes... I mean, no, I mean... RANDY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Co-Worker B: Actually, Randy Moss doesn't play for Minnesota anymore.


You get the drift.

In conclusion, to the many Minnesotan Vikings fans who are also my friends, I suggest you skip your damn pilates class and go to the game. Seriously, what is wrong with you people?

2 Comments:

Blogger Adam Omelianchuk said...

Hey if you want to go, I'm game. I'm looking for someone to go with. (though I can't afford much)

7:32 AM  
Blogger Jerad said...

Blind economic fealty to a New Yorker who owns a sports team based in my city doesn't equate to a moral virtue. Sure, they're fun to watch, but I'm not going to feel like I'm letting anybody down by teaching Sunday school instead of catching a game. Yes, other fans are more loyal and rabid. That makes them better fans than me.

Nope, even if I let it sink in I just don't feel guilty.

4:47 PM  

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