Thursday, January 01, 2009

To Vikings fans

You suck...

Not just as fans, but as human beings. To the women: you are exonerated. I've read the Bible, and I've pretty much concluded that there's no helping the type of woman who is attracted to a Minnesotan/Iowan. Seriously ladies, Esther is your ceiling.

To the men: My goodness...

At present, tickets are available at midfield. Not the 30 yard line. Not the 40 yard line. Midfield. For $160 (cheaper if you hit up Craigslist), you can watch an NFL playoff game, featuring your favorite team, at MIDFIELD.

Howzabout some perspective?

- I am a Detroit Pistons fan. Last season, I paid $125 for two corner-court seats to a regular season game against the Timberwolves. The game had no meaningful outcome on the remainder of the season. In fact, most of the Pistons starters sat out the entire game.

- When I was fresh out of college, I paid $150 to watch the St. Louis Rams play the Philadelphia Eagles. Further, I had to sit by myself. I bought the ticket solely out of respect for football (and was rewarded handsomely... that was a hell of a game).

- A regular season Packer game costs more than MIDFIELD TICKETS TO A VIKINGS PLAYOFF GAME... Do I need to repeat that sentence?

Look. I'm a Lions fan. Do you have any idea what it means to declare this fact in a public forum? I am subject to all manner of indignity, not least of which from Vikings "fans" who, apparently, cannot be bothered to go watch their team play.

My wife is a Packer fan, and therefore must accommodate the titters and taunts that accompany her choice of team. Fortunately, for her, she now has the perfect retort... Allow me to roleplay this:

Co-worker A: Hey, are you watching your Packers this weekend? Oh, I guess not, what with their season being over.

Khris: I guess you won't be watching your Vikings either, what with the television blackout.

Co-Worker A: But, I... I like Vikings.

Khris: Oh, so I suppose you have tickets to the game, then.

Co-Worker A: But, the economy.

Khris: Did the economy stop you from dropping $1,500 on tickets to Wicked?

Co-Worker A: But, but, but...

Khris: Upper balcony, right?

Co-Worker A: But, sometimes, I just feel like bursting into song!!!!!

Khris: Of course you do. Did you still want to borrow my cucumber scrub, captain Brokeback?


Co-Worker B: Actually, Randy Moss doesn't play for Minnesota anymore.

You get the drift.

In conclusion, to the many Minnesotan Vikings fans who are also my friends, I suggest you skip your damn pilates class and go to the game. Seriously, what is wrong with you people?


Blogger Adam Omelianchuk said...

Hey if you want to go, I'm game. I'm looking for someone to go with. (though I can't afford much)

7:32 AM  
Blogger Jerad said...

Blind economic fealty to a New Yorker who owns a sports team based in my city doesn't equate to a moral virtue. Sure, they're fun to watch, but I'm not going to feel like I'm letting anybody down by teaching Sunday school instead of catching a game. Yes, other fans are more loyal and rabid. That makes them better fans than me.

Nope, even if I let it sink in I just don't feel guilty.

4:47 PM  

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