Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscar Musings

Hugh Jackman is gonna sing and dance his away into our hearts people... Alright, let's dispense little golden men.

------------

Uh-oh... Hugh Jackman is starting with standup. That's no good. Ah, there's the musical medley. For the uninitiated, medley's are like a montage, but with live performers. Say this for Hugh, he has no sense of irony.

Did he just spell "Milk" M-I-L-I-K?

------------

And the first montage of the evening is foiled by a scrim malfunction. Somebody just lost their job.

I wonder if Hattie McDaniel was crying because she knew she would one day become the queen bee of Oscar montages. But her acceptance speech was just so versatile... Women montages, black montages, acceptance speech montages, crying montages, Gone With the Wind montages, Oscar stuff that happened a long time ago montages...

------------

Okay, so instead of showing the clips of the Oscar nominated performances, we are having random past winners offer scripted praise to the nominees? Seriously? We're eschewing the one opportunity for Vicky Cristina Barcelona to get some pub in favor of Whoopie making nun jokes?

------------

Ironically, Goldie Hawn seems to be aging in reverse. At this rate, she'll be the world's largest-breasted toddler by 2028.

------------

Who knew Penelope Cruz was this sanctimonious? When movie stars yak about the universal language of film, I get queasy.

------------

Tina Fey and Steve Martin are being upstaged by a giant script, which is a shame, because they are actually funny. Did anyone bother to direct this show?

And Dustin Lance Black wins for Milk. Blargh. Let me put it this way. Martin Donagh could write Milk in his sleep. Black couldn't write In Bruges in a million years.

Incidentally, how is it that screenwriters always have the least interesting speeches?

------------

You know, for a purported comedian, Jack Black has no sense of timing. Jennifer Aniston has, what, five Emmy nominations, and you still can't make it work without bowling over her lines?

------------

A good rule of thumb for those who want to win their Oscar pools. The short subjects with the most unpronouncable names are locks.

------------

Sarah Jessica Parker harkens back to a time when people used to get dressed up to work at the phone company. Um, I'm pretty sure they still do, dearie. Gotta love it when Hollywood forgets not to treat the rest of America like the great unwashed.

------------

I love the acceptance speeches for the technical awards for one reason alone. There is always one guy who takes up all of the time at the podium, while a second guy alternates between awkwardly leaning into the shot and playing with his Oscar. At the end, awkward guy starts to thank two people over the ochestra, gives up, and then does a weird fist pump with his Oscar to save face.

Love it.

------------

This guy designs costumes for a living? He looks like a mortician. Granted, he's probably spent from having to run all the way from the Tropicana bar when his name was announced. Where was he sitting? Does Kate Winslet have a restraining order against him or something?

------------

Who is Jessica Biel, anyway? It's like she just materialized a few years ago and was instantly famous. At any rate, it looks like someone shot her in the chest with a fabric cannon, and she could not be LESS interested in the technical awards.

According to imdb.com, she was in Ulee's Gold. That's the movie where Peter Fonda took care of bees. It's also not the kind of movie you remember.

------------

James Franco can't even pronounce the winner of the film short subject. See what I mean?

------------

Note to Oscar producers. The musical was back, and then Mamma Mia came along and killed it.

------------

Alan Arkin congratulates Seymour Philip Hoffman on being an actor's actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman proves it by casting a gracious glance back at him. Yeah, this is SO much better than just watching the clips.

Also, the whole interactive thing works best when all of the nominees are, you know, alive.

------------

I briefly wonder why Bill Maher is presenting the Best Documentary award, and then he reminds us by pimping his own documentary. The things is, he had to remind us. Does anyone actually still pay attention to this guy?

------------

Isn't a montage devoted to editing a little self-serving? Shame on those glory-whore film editors.

------------

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for the A.R. Rahman variety hour. Everybody sing along. Why didn't they just have him host. He had more face time than Hugh Jackman.

------------

Danny Boyle is amazed by the Oscar production, and wonders what it looks like on TV. I'm wondering what it looked like in the theater, because this is the worst Oscar ceremony I have ever seen. They even messed up the death montage with schizophrenic camera work.

------------

Onto best actress. Sophia Loren looks like pork rinds, and the nazi sex kitten takes home the gold. Kate Winslet tells Meryl Streep she'll have to "suck it up". It was intended as a compliment, but still.

------------

I don't know what planet you have to be on to figure Sean Penn was better than Mickey Rourke or Frank Langella, but I'll give him props for recognizing that he is difficult to appreciate. He makes no reference to his off-camera incidents, however. Ba dum-bum...

------------

And we get yet another montage. I heard a lot about how the producers were trying to boost ratings. They could have done that by nominating Clint Eastwood and Bruce Springsteen in the best song category. Instead, we get a world record for montages.

------------

And the winner is... Slumdog Millionaire, which I will be reviewing tomorrow...

I'd conclude with a montage of past Oscar musings, but my heart's just not in it this year.

Labels: , ,

1 Comments:

Blogger Sarah said...

Jessica Biel got her claim to fame mostly from 7th Heaven and I think she was in some vampire movie "Blade" maybe?
I really liked the opening medley and Hugh Jackman surprised me at how well he hosted. I was prepping for total disaster and boredom.
I agree with you on the major category presentations. I don't watch many movies anymore and the only way I know what the best film nominees are about is to see the presenting clips.
Sure it was nice to see stars giving other stars props but couldn't they just send a card and some flowers? Show me the movies. That's why we're all at the Oscars.

I was glad Kate Winslet won, but I think she won for the wrong movie. She can still surprise me as an actress.

"Benjamin Button" disappointingly beat out films like "The Dark Knight", "Iron Man" and "Wall-E" in some of the technical categories. Very disappointing.

I usually don't watch the Oscars anymore but it was on and I watched it around the hockey game.

Go WILD!

Look forward to your review of "Slumdog"

12:22 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home