Monday, March 16, 2009

How about that weather?

At last, Old Man Winter lies dormant and comatose, defeated.

The once impenetrable snow retreats into amoebic lumps of innoucuous ice. Puddles evaporate under our mother star's gentle caress. Co-workers engage in pleasant conversation. Bloggers are pensive and thoughtful. Parents pay attention to their children, and husbands stop drinking. Everyone is eager to show off their spring wardrobe. Apple Valley residents stop renting Kate Hudson films.

Everything is sunshine and gigglesnaps. Maybe you've drafted the first page of that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about a Christian woman who finally realizes that God is about more than just religion after a near death experience?

But, you know what happens when old men go dormant and comatose? They die and release their bowels, that's what...

This is Minnesota, people. Eight days from now, when the last ice chunk has melted away, and the trees are beginning to bud, you'll tune into Fox Nine News in the morning. Keith Marler (aka Deathspawn) will be there to great you with the somber news. 8-9 inches of snow.

This will be followed by three weeks of 32.4 degree weather, producing a trickling mass of mud and slush, which will coat the city entire.

Your co-workers will return to their acerbic and incompetent selves. Bloggers will rant about the recession. Parents will resume ignoring their children, and husbands will switch to straight gin with a dash of salt. Spring wardrobe will be sullied and torn, and Bride Wars will hit the DVD shelves.

After penning three pages of (alternatingly turgid and banal) prose about flowers, you'll realize that what you had to say was never all that illuminating to begin with, and that administrative assistant is probably your ceiling. This would be asoul crushing revelation if you didn't find your husband's have-drank bottle of gin in his sock drawer.

Go Spartans!

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Keith Marler said...

"Deathspawn"? ... I've always prefered "Agent of Weather-Evil" ...

6:07 AM  
Blogger Kevin Sawyer said...

Hey, I would prefer people call me "Captain Adonis". Not gonna happen. You take what I give you, Marler.

2:35 PM  

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