Thursday, April 09, 2009

An Interview With Pirates

Every now and then, my blog affords me the opportunity to interview various newsmakers. Today, I am honored to introduce some pirates. Pirates, of course, have made the news recently by hijacking the Maersk Alabama, the latest in a string of attempts to extort princely sums in exchange for hostages. With out any further adieu, pirates, welcome to TPWK.

Pirates: Um, thank you.

TPWK: Now, given your rogue status, we'll be keeping your identity a secret.

Pirates: Right, this is what your producer told me.

TPWK: I guess, the first question is, you are obviously skilled. Why not go out there and get real jobs?

Pirates: Well, some would argue that this is a real job.

TPWK: Okay, I'll be more specific. Why not, say computer programming? Even in this geo-political climate, aren't their companies that could use you?

Pirates: Um, I'd never thought of it that way. But, if you're born to do something, we believe you should do it.

TPWK: Even if you don't do it particularly well.

Pirates: That seems a bit harsh.

TPWK: I'm just saying, once the Americans get involved, it's all over for you.

Pirates: Hey, tell that to Tampa.

TPWK: Oh, so Alabama's not enough, you have to threaten Florida's ships too?

Pirates: They're going down in July.

TPWK: Unbelievable. You heard it here first, a threat to American soil from Somali pirates. You know, if I were in charge, your kind would be walking the plank.

Pirates: Somalia? We play in Pittsburgh.

TPWK: Um, the what now?

Pirates: The Pittsburgh Pirates. I play Center Field.

TPWK: Pittsburgh has a baseball team?

Pirates: Um, yeah. Remember Roberto Clemente?

TPWK: Huh. You know, to be honest I thought Pittsburgh was one of those cities that we lost in the war.

Pirates: That assumption is incorrect on so many levels I don't know where to begin. I'm Nate McLouth, and this is Ryan Doumit, our catcher.

Ryan Doumit: Pleasure...

TPWK: So you are not involved with piracy in any literal way.

Nate McLouth: Nope. It's pretty much just a mascot.

TPWK: That makes more sense, with you being white and all. I was wondering why you guys insisted on meeting in Cincinatti.

Nate: Right... Right...

TPWK: Man, I paid $600,000 for this interview. Leroy is so fired. Have you guys even used steroids or anything.

Ryan: No, sorry.

TPWK: Well, let's go to Dairy Queen then.

Nate: Sound good. Sounds good.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm interested in what Captain Jack Sparrow has to say about this. Maybe you could interview him next.

7:07 AM  
Anonymous Jake O. said...

Way to get the exclusives.

6:13 PM  

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