Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Minneapolis is redeemed

Finally, proof that our leaders care about the future of our city.

Hey, Peter, remember when your house got broken into? That was the best thing that could have happened. See, your old porch was technically considered open and, since you had couches on it, everybody in you neighborhood was deciding to commit crimes.

That won't happen this year. I would leave Bridgette home alone as often as possible.

To parents who are sending their daughters off to the University of Minnesota this year, don't worry! Date rapes will cease. Couches on open-air porches were causing them, it turns out. Now if little Cindy passes out on a couch, it'll be within the safe confines of the basement of Delta Phi.

Unfortunately, Cam Gordon took time off from, I dunno, painting his cat in honor of Earth Day, to oppose the measure. Probably because he likes rapes.

Diane Hofstede, who does not like rapes nearly as much as Cam Gordon, offered this bit of wisdom:
Community groups told her that upholstered furniture and mattresses left outside can grow mold, harbor rodents and catch fire.

Founts of wisdom, community groups. Of course, by this standard, Hofstede should also favor banning Midtown Phillips.

In order to enforce the measure, mayor R.T. Rybak will re-assign the lone officer in charge of monitoring the "Block E" area of Hennepin avenue to identify contraband furniture. Residents are thusly advised to move any sofas or large room furnishings indoors between the hours of 10a-11a on the third Thursday of the month.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just another freedome being taken away in our "free" country. One day will will wake up to find ourselves in a socialist government.

12:35 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home