Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu Facts

Hey guys. Normally, I don't do this, but Barack Obama has asked Bloggers around the country to disseminate information about swine flu. I feel like this is an important enough issue, and it's the least I can do, so here goes.

- Swine flu symptoms include headache, nausea, shortness of breath and dreams. If you experience any of the aforementioned, simply assume you have swine flu without consulting a primary care physician.

- If you do contract swine flu, vigorously wash your hands with soap and water. That usually takes care of it.

- Val Kilmer has developed a cure for swine flu, but he won't share with anyone cause he's being an ass right now. Hear me Val? You can't stay locked in your attic forever! I want my Gin Blossoms CD back.

- Whatever you do, don't panic. Swine flu can smell fear.

- The only way to get rid of swine flu is to have sex with a virgin, or says my shaman.

- There is no correlation between religious faith and the occurrence of swine flu. So keep on doin' what you're doin', Episcopalian church.

- Swine flu is entirely the fault of the Bush administration.

- If your pet develops swine flu, drop it off at the Northside pet recycling facility, aka Brookdale Center. It will fulfill the mall's destiny of becoming a repository for diseased cats.

- Don't eat at Denny's.

- If you contract bird flu at any point during the next three months, be sure to appreciate the irony.

- Avoid eating pork products. When it is explained to you that it is impossible to contract swine flu via pork consumption, respond by saying you know that, but you still feel kinda weird about it and have been reading the Old Testament lately and feeling kinda convicted, and might start on the Maker's diet, because embracing arbitrary fads for specious reasons is exactly what God wants Christians to do.

- Swine flu's gonna gitcha.


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