Sunday, May 31, 2009

Monday Musings - Drought Edition

How's the weather? It's dry, that's how's the weather. Let's muse.

Who killed Dr. George Tiller, the controversial abortionist who was shot in his church over the weekend? Why, Glenn Beck of course.

Killing someone for providing a legal service is unhinged and evil. Labeling someone a murderer for providing constitutionally protected speech, no less so... And no less terrifying.

Don't believe me? Read the comments section. If one of those people walked into your church, wouldn't you be attempted to step outside for air?


Candidates in my district are taking aim at Barb Johnson's city council seat. All of them are pointing out the fact that Barb Johnson essentially retains her seat on account of her legacy.

This is indisputable, but insufficient to compel me to entertain the notion of voting for you. Neither is a nebulous call to increase representation.

How about taking an example of Johnson's poor leadership, and explain how your philosophy would lead you to a different conclusion? Of course, this will require you to know stuff, and have a philosophy. So, um, nevermind.


Caught Pixar's latest this weekend, and thought I'd run some analysis.

Number of poop jokes in Up: One (and it was funny)
Number of poop jokes in the previews for Up: More than 12 (none of them funny)

That about sums it up.


Finally got to The 50's Grill in Brooklyn Center on Friday night. I was suspicious, on account of the place is named after a genre, and an underwhelming genre at that. The food is nothing I would cross town for, but having grass-fed bison burgers on the menu is a nice touch, and the food is fine.

It sure beats its neighbor, the IHOP from hell.


Also, Victory 44 has a liquor license now, so go.


What? No RSVPs for my Tango and Case anniversary party? Hey, more Pabst for me. And to think, my wife went through all that work photo-shopping funny hats onto Kurt Russell for the invitations. That was $700 well spent.


I argues today that cats are, in fact, dumb, and that their abject ignorance is the source of their reputation as aloof and austere creatures. This was surprisingly well received. I will immediately dedicate my life to debunking myths as it relates to cat-intelligence. Now I have purpose.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I am the proud owner of....

Bride Wars

My wife went to return the film to Blockbuster, leaving Kate Hudson's annual January masterpiece on the roof of our car.

Alas, the DVD is long gone, but here is some important, behind-the-scenes action:

Mmmmm... That's just great. You know, I would never wish a gruesome death on anyone, but since gruesome deaths are statistically inevitable, given the Earth's population...

... I'm talking about Hudson, not my wife.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tuesday Musings: Quick hits edition

Memorial Day ruined everything. Let's muse, speed round style.

Brinkmann, manufacturer of cheapo Chinese fire hazards masquerading as grills, kindly offered some replacement parts for those that melted when my grill caught fire. They should come in handy just as soon as I get my hands on a spot welder.


Sotomayor makes history by being the first Hispanic... Blah, blah, blah... If this is the sort of stuff you care about (the Hispanic bean counting nonsense, not the intellectual makeup of the court), then you don't deserve to live in a Democracy. And, if the Sonia Sotomayors of the world get their way, you no longer will.


Just had a nice dinner at Victory 44 (at the former Rix and Sauced location near Victory Memorial). The Scotch Egg appetizer was a high point, and the Reuben w/ Gruyere was solid. They really need to get their ducks in a row, liquor license-wise, 'cause imperial pint glasses aren't made for water.


We've got cucumbers going this year. I figure, why the hell not?


I am an atheist when it comes to a God of saccharine pap.


For those who are firewalled from YouTube, the first line of the song is "some of us have skin the color of rich dark coffee."

That's for the cringe-worthy, Brian.


One of the best parts about living in North Minneapolis is playing "guess what's on fire?" Simply follow the scent and the smoke trail. Do some simply calculations and check in at after about two hours to see if you were right.


So, North Korea launched another missile. If only they had launched a Hispanic female, it might become real news.


Not the joke I intended, but the vision of North Korea sending Sonia Sotomayor hurdling through the air at hundreds of miles per hour is kinda funny.


Somewhere, at a late night meeting, writers for SNL's Weekend Update are deciding whether it's okay to make fun of the death of Mike Tyson's daughter.


I have decided that it is not.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Top Ten Fridays: Joe Biden Memorial Day Facts

Regular readers have probably noticed that I've been a bit sparse in posting lately. That said, my friend, and Vice President of the United States of America, Joe Biden has kindly offered to step in with an inspirational top ten. Here it is folks, Joe Biden's top ten Memorial day facts.

10. Memorial day was founded on Easter of 1850, when President Washington chopped down a eucalyptus tree to commemorate the freeing of the slaves from their Mexican oppressors.

9. The battle of Iwo Jima was fought almost entirely by females.

8. In 1970, John F. Kennedy cancelled Star Trek in honor of Memorial Day. He was assassinated for this reason.

7. Ever had yak? I have. Gamey.

6. In the midst of the LA Riots, Ruth Bader Ginsburg ordered our troops to bring about piece by joining Stevie Wonder in a rousing rendition of "We Shall Overcome". It worked, too. There hasn't been an LA riot since.

5. When I was a boy, president Coolidge gave me a shiny nickel. He told me to keep it in memoriam for those who gave their life for my freedom. I keep that nickel in my pocket to this day.

4. Correction, by nickel I mean no interest credit card from MBNA.

3. It is illegal to salute the flag on Memorial Day.

2. You know what I haven't had in awhile? Grits. I haven't had grits in a decade or so. Maybe even twenty years. That's a long time if you think about it. I don't think I've had garbanzo beans in a while either. What? Oh, they are the same thing as chick peas. Right, hummus... Yeah, I've had hummus. In fact, I like hummus quite a bit.

1. I remember when Clinton was president. A hamburger cost a nickel, and everyone had a job.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Anniversary party

As a blogger, I take pride in being on the bleeding edge of pop culture. With that in mind, I thought I'd be the first to commemorate the anniversary of a cinematic milestone.

Of course, I'm talking about the 20th anniversary of Tango and Cash.

I know, I know. It's a bit early. The film was released in late December in an attempt to ride some late season Oscar buzz. But hey, I don't want to be throwing just another "Tango and Cash" themed party in December. I learned that lesson two years ago with Witches of Eastwick, thank you very much.

What? You haven't seen Tango and Cash? Dude, it's about two cops who just can't stand each other, but unite in order to clear their name. I cannot envision a more compelling plot line. It was directed by Andrei Konchalovsky, director of Homer & Eddie, which came out the same year. Talk about a hot streak. Take that, Kubrick.

So this June, be ready to slick your hair back, don Harry Potter glasses in an attempt to distance yourself from past roles, and enjoy some Miller High Life as we pay homage. Afterward, we'll watch Double Indemnity, which I hear is pretty similar.

Taste the Tango!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Monday Musings

Hot Monday. Hot action. Hot musings. Let me tell ya'...

Suffice it to say I won't be recommending Brinkmann products any further.

This comes on the heels of my Dell projector shooting flames at me as I attempted to clean it. I must be in sin.


Headline on CNN
: "Jesus-in-cheese-snack dubbed 'Cheesus'"

I click on the link, and the video ad begins "1 in 4 women can misread a traditional home pregnancy test".

I'm seeing a Venn diagram that looks pretty damn close to a circle, aren't you?


At Notre Dame University, Barack Obama called for a vigorous debate on abortion. If "vigorous" means watching a grown woman become teary eyed and shout "women's rights!" before leaving a cafeteria table emboldened by nothing other than her own sanctimony, the students of Notre Dame need no urging, I would hazard to guess.


Have you seen Let The Right One In, yet? No, you haven't, because you'd be thanking me in the comments section if you had.


Food time.

Hit up Origami at Ridgedale for a snack whilst waiting for in-laws. I remain perplexed by Origami's scarcely-disputed reputation as the top sushi purveyor in the Twin Cities. Fuji-Ya and Nami are demonstrably superior. Saji-Ya and Midori's compare favorably. Wasabi is in the ballpark at half the price. Origami officially joins True Thai and The Sample Room on the list of restaurants by whose popularity I am perpetually baffles.


The Red Stag supper club wins the award for best place to treat your parents. Populist recipes leveraging high quality ingredients, at just the right price point to let the in-laws know you're splurging on their behalf. Oh, and you can't help but be charmed by the room. Old-school sans irony. Comfortable without being divey.

We went Friday, and I enjoyed the fish fry.


In Memoriam: The Derekwebb board. I've learned to love the Calvinists... The way one loves a Rottweiler. They're tough and unpredictable, and make often bad choices, but at least their not one of those sissy terriers who bark constantly. No points for guessing who the sissy terriers are.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

On Bureaucracy

Did you know that, even if you do not even own a home, you can still be forced to pay for it? Here's how it works.

Hennepin County employs, um, let's say, people who wouldn't survive if not for government jobs. In fact, inability to make a living in the real world is an essentially job requirement. Think of it as our government's way of bending us until we break.

At any rate, when you sell a house, it is not necessarily sufficient to inform your local utility that you no longer own the property. Rather, they must receive notification from the aforementioned job center for the otherwise unemployable.

As such, the question of whether or not you owe Centerpoint Energy $600 is left to the discernment of someone who cannot tell the difference between a squirrel and a trashcan.

My most recent phone call to the county ended with the advice that I "ignore them, and hope they go away."

That's verbatim, people. Meanwhile, the marginally able, but certainly not spectacular, folks at Centerpoint Energy have promised to contact the former owners of my prior home to see if they are willing to foot the bill. I'm sure that will resolve this conflict.

I'm beginning to have new appreciation for the whole revolutionary war thing.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

An interview with Robert GIbbs

Every now and then, my blog affords me the opportunity to interview various newsmakers. Today, I am honored to introduce Robert Gibbs, spokesperson for Barack Obama. With out any further adieu, Robert, welcome to TPWK.

Robert: Um, I... Uh, uhhhhh, thank you....

TPWK: You're welcome. Now, and I want to dig right in here, the administration seems at a bit of a loss with regard to how to handle the closing of Guantanamo. Would you care to comment on...

Robert: I'm going to stop your right there, because, uh, it, uh... Uhhhhh... You know... Barack... Uhhhh, he has, you know, uhhhh.... There is always, you know...

TPWK: Wait, are you done answering?

Robert: Um, it's, complicated, so, you, uhh... It, uhhh. Where you are, uhhh...

(cell phone rings)

TPWK: Hold on, I have to take this.

Robert: Give me that... (throws cell phone against wall)

TPWK: Wait, what? My grandma's in the hospital.

Robert: I threw your cell phone. Now, I am powerful.

TPWK: Throwing a cell phone makes you feel powerful?

Robert: That, uh, well, you know... It.... Uhhhhh... Uhhhhhhh...

TPWK: Do you even know how to tie your own shoes?

Robert: Well, uh.... That's, uhhhh... We've got... Uhhhh...

Barack Obama: I'll take things from here, Bob.

TPWK: Wow, I did not expect this. Ladies and gentlemen, President Barack Obama!

Barack Obama: Yeah, I'm not... I'm not Rush Limbaugh...

TPWK: Hilarious. Now, maybe you can articulate for us what exactly your position on Gitmo is...

Barack Obama: Look, I'm the president. I, you know, I have to make decisions. And, you know, uh, with, you know, Guantanamo, I just want to let you know that, look, we need to keep our eye on the ball.

TPWK: Great, that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank Robert Gibbs and Barack Obama for stopping by.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Monday Musings

I just mowed the lawn. I mowed it so hard. Let's muse.

The Wedge has it's panties in a bunch over the proposed new Trader Joes location a couple of blocks down Franklin Avenue (or, as I call it, the anus of Uptown). The issue? Trader Joes is asking for a variance in our mind-bogglingly stupid liquor laws to accommodate their standard business model, which is to use "three buck chuck" as a sort of loss leader item.

The Wedge thinks this is unfair. Only, the Wedge hasn't asked for a variance. They don't want to step on the toes of Humm's liquors. Of course, Humm's is part of a liquor lobby has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep aforementioned laws in force.

So, essentially, The Wedge is arguing that it is unfair for Trader Joe's to step on the toes of another business that exploits unfairness for profit. Not the most compelling argument in the world, but I'm sure it works for people willing to spend $9 on corn. Why is it that people get so political over food?


This is getting ridiculous. Sojourners, a left-wing spiritual group of which I am notoriously unfond, spammed 135 religion reporters to inform them of their march against poverty, or whatever. According to the e-mail for deputy press secretary Jason Gedeik:

This the Religious Left filling the hole created by the decline of the Religious Right but now we have the political power and ear of the White House — definitely a new trend and a “first” within this new political era.

Maybe, but this sentence is the "Religious Left" committing an atrocity against the rules of grammar. I hope "deputy press secretary" is a fancy term for "unpaid intern", 'cause an autistic chimpanzee could have written that sentence. Seriously, this was sent to 135 journalists.

At Christianity Today, blogger Ted Olsen was kind enough not to expose the Gedeik's fundamental illiteracy. He did, however, note that Sojourners had done an about face on the question of whether they represented the "Religious Left".

Gedeik offered an explanation that kinda makes you feel bad for the guy (follow the link and read it for yourself... I hope this dude has rich parents.). Then, two weeks later, Jim Wallis throws him under the (short) bus, stating what follows:

I can emphatically say that he was “off message.”

An unfortunate attribute for a deputy press secretary, among many others. Wallis' post is titled "For the Record: Still Not the Religious Left". Actually, once you distribute a mailer to 135 journalists declaring something, you are, literally, on the record. That and the whole taking the liberal stance on each and every issue thing.

I could go on and on, and I have.


Someone will have the bright idea to point out a typo or minor grammatical error in this post, and take me to task for my criticisms above. It will be very clever when he does that.


Michigan has a new ad campaign designed to drum up tourism. The catchphrase? "Pure Michigan". What, is Chrysler doing ads now?


Let's talk food. Hit up Black Sheep pizza on Friday night. I'll give it a hearty recommendation. The crust reminded be of naan, the Indian equivalent of garlic bread. The toppings were plentiful and interesting (dark meat chicken was a first for me), and the price was comparable to Punch, my personal fave. A unique contribution to an already solid (critics be damned) pizza scene in the Twin Cities.


Less excited about Muffuletta, the Parasole holding in St. Anthony. We had a gift card, and I thought I'd take advantage of the $19 tasting menu offered on Sundays. Everything was solid (though my halibut was small in an almost parodical way... I'm not one to whinge about portions, but...), with the exception of my wife's ravioli, which was atrocious. Also, it was mother's day, and the joint was rife with loud babies. The whole scene was a bit pre-fab, and the food was nothing to write home about. A big meh from me.


That is all. Go home, kids.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Top Ten Fridays: Pick Up Lines for Engineers

10. Baby, if you're eyes were stars, we would all be dead, so you wouldn't matter.

9. "A squared" + "B squared" = "C squared". There, I am automatically in the 70th percentile.

8. Move, please.... I mean, move, gorgeous.

7. I wish you were better looking, but who am I to be choosy? You COULD stand to lose some weight though.

6. I make $46,000 per year, and will for the rest of my life. Call me Captain Stability.

5. Marketing people are such fags. I'm not, though, if you catch my drift. My drift is that I would prefer to have sex with you, rather than have sex with another man. This is because I am heterosexual. I have a townhouse. We will have sex at that location, with your consent.

4. Seriously, though, the marketing people are riding my ass.

3. I bought a minivan, just because it was on sale.

2. You know, autism is a spectrum disorder.

1. I have eight xylophones.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009


Good news out of Eden Prairie. Those people have suffered for so long.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Monday Musings

At the end of the day, all we have is musings. So let's make with it.

Wife is upset because she left her purse at her desk at work. I am also expected to be nonplussed over this non-event, which, to the degree it might be an event, is her responsibility, and not mine, and, my knowing that it is a non-event, I am forced, as a husband, into a position of tilting nonplussed over said non-event, which is not only unfair, but inauthentically so.

Long and short of it, the wife doesn't trust cleaning people. I do.


I eagerly await the liberal defense for the continued existence of the Guantanamo Bay detention facility. Whatever they will come to believe about the issue, rest assured they will believe it in unison, and you will be an idiot for having ever disagreed with them. Remember, George W. Bush never wanted to open the facilities. We have been at war with Eurasia all along.


Wasn't it fun randomly getting worked up over a flu virus again? Good times, good times.


Just kiddin' people. It's cool, it's cool.


R.I.P. Jack Kemp. That said, Bob Dole outlasted Jack Kemp? Who saw that coming?


No restaurant recommendations this week, but food lovers should stock up at Hackenmueller meats in Robbinsdale. The ribeye was a knockout.


Let me get this straight. There was an actual meeting where it was decided, between Subway and it's agency partners, that the best campaign right now would be to simply speed up the "five dollar footlong" song against the backdrop of absurd images? As in, someone was paid to come up with that idea? As in, this wisdom was bartered in exchange for monetary goods? Just checking.

Faith in humanity set to "off".


So Chrysler merged with Fiat. This is destiny; the least competent car company merging with the company behind the least competent car.

I think they should relaunch the Yugo. I mean, why the hell not, at this point?

The Fit is Go?

The Yugo is Stop.