Thursday, July 23, 2009

Guest Post: A Pediatrician

Hey, kid. Want some ice cream? It's okay, I'm a doctor. I won't hurt you.

What do I want? Oh, nothing. Just, you know, your precious tonsils.

Wait. Too soon. Forget I said that. Here, just take your shirt off, we'll check your heartbeat. Hmmm... That's a fast heartbeat. You must be real sick.

Medicine? Why would you need medicine when you can have tasty ice cream? Just hop in my van. It's got whirly lights on it.

Of course it's safe. Your very sick, and I'm a doctor with ice cream. Don't run away. Here, you want a comic? It's Calvin and Hobbes. I keep a single Calvin and Hobbes comic strip in my pocket, just in case I meet a very special little boy like you.

What? You think I'm screwing around? I went to medical school. You think this is fun and games?

GET IN THE VAN OR I'LL PUT THIS SCALPEL THROUGH YOUR FACE!!! MY FEE SCHEDULE DEMANDS IT!!! HMOOOO!!!!!!

You know what? Let's start over. Hi, I'm Phillip, what's your name?

That's a great name. I bet a boy with that name has lovely, succulent tonsils. Here take a sip of this. It's magic juice.

You know, I used to be your mommy's doctor. But she had a real bad earache, so I had to remove her ovaries. That's why you're an only child.

You gettin' sleepy? You wanna' take a nap in the back of my van? The front has Ambulance spelled backward, so people can see it in their rear view mirror when I'm racin' 'em.

Yeah, that's right. Vroom, vroom.

Okay, he's out. Gary, grab me a fish-hook.

These bad boys are gonna fetch me $20 grand in Bangkok.

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