Monday, September 14, 2009

GOP Stampeded by Passive Stan

Stanley Crouch is no slouch. He is a jazz critic, novelist and editor of some repute. He is also, apparently, quite fond of the passive voice, and equally fond of strained analogies and convoluted metaphors. In short, this article sucks.

The title of this piece is Obama's speeches are the stampede the GOP needs. I can't quite parse the meaning of this title. Obama's speeches are a stampede? Why does the GOP need a stampede? This is weird. Let's dig in.

Last week Barack Obama gave two speeches, one to American children, the other to the nation about health care reform. The way they were reacted to by the Republican opposition, elected or not, said a lot about Obama himself and about the sorry state of intellectual integrity among Republicans.

Not much intellectual integrity is had by Republicans. Also, what does the qualifier "elected or not" add to this sentence that merits the extra commas. I await Stan's defense of his position that Republicans lack intellectual integrity.

Before his speech to American children was given,

by someone, who, incidentally, was him.

a wildfire went up among the inmates whom the Republicans have allowed to take over the asylum because of their appeal among "the base."

So, a wildfire "went up" among inmates? That's some curious phrasing. Also, who are the inmates in this equation, and what is the asylum? Is the party the asylum, and talk radio the inmates? Who appeals to the base? The inmates or Republicans. I'm going to re-word this sentence into English, gratis.

Even before Obama delivered his speech to schoolchildren nationwide, the inmates, left in charge of the asylum by a Republican establishment hoping to curry favor with its base, started a wildfire of protest.

Whew! Now that looks a whole lot better.

According to conservative pundits Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, as well as Michele Bachmann, elected to Congress from Minnesota,

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) would suffice. Have politics been written about regularly by this guy?

Making noise is what they consider important.

Which, in the case of Rush and Hannity, stands to reason, given that they work IN RADIO.

Their purported fears were proven groundless because there is ample footage of Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush speaking when they were President to our kids.

Their "purported" fears? Stan just got done telling us these people are insane. Now they are cool-handed cynics, manufacturing controversy? For the record, the Obama administration pulled the plug on that kooky curriculum guide. Looks like Michele Bachmann wasn't the only one purporting.

Newt Gingrich tried to no avail to get the inmates to quiet down and go back to their wards, their cells or the walls to which they were once chained.

Okay, so the inmates, I guess, are the listeners and followers of Limbaugh et al... The asylum is where they live when not protesting the administration, and Newt Gingrich is Nurse Ratchet, sitting there with her lithium while Joe Wilson takes everyone on a river cruise.

They did not go back. They did not apologize for sinking down into the hysteria rule book written by Sen. Joseph McCarthy.

You mean, Joseph McCarthy, elected to the Senate from Wisconsin. Good point. This event is entirely analogous to McCarthyism. No further explanation needed.

The inmates merely waited for the health care reform speech.

I thought the inmates were starting wildfires. Now, it turns out they were just waiting?

Republican Rep. Joe Wilson, of South Carolina, where the Civil War started,

Thereby discrediting a political party (to which it was in opposition) 150 years after the fact. South Carolina is also a state that supported FDR to the tune of 98 percent of its electorate.

screamed in frustration at Obama during his speech and the redneck whiff floated us back to the civil rights era when those with hot pink necks were powerful senators and congressmen from the South.

Exactly what I was thinking, or, rather, what I would have been thinking if my thoughts were completely incoherent. Republicans don't have intellectual integrity, just "redneck whiff", whatever that is.

When the Democrats became too liberal, those Democrats became Republicans and have remained that way ever since.

There is no way in hell Stan knows South Carolina's electoral history, but he's still right. The Democrats leftward lurch on social issues cost them states like South Carolina, which overwhelmingly supported Carter in 1976, and nearly did so in 1980 (which is saying something). What this has to do with redneck whiff, I have no idea.

After all of the freelance advice throughout the summer about the President toughening up and needing to put his foot in the backside of the elephants, Obama laid all down with ease and great power.

Is that a compliment, in America, to say that a president exhibits great power? It shouldn't be. Also, this is just a terrible sentence.

He made it absolutely clear that he is nobody's cream puff and winning this one from him will be no more pleasurable than repeatedly slapping a cactus.

I dunno. Slapping Hillary Clinton felt pretty good in 1994. Is there anyone more like a cactus than Hillary?

He has all of the cards and all of the information necessary to expose the Republicans for the mercenaries that they are, and said as much.

So, the inmates have mercenaries at their disposal? What information does Obama have to expose their mercenary status? What does this have to do with cards?

Yet he did it all with what he has become known for - his coolness, his massive calm and his collectedness.

One of my pet peeves is the use a hyphen when a writer simply doesn't know what punctuation to use. "Massive calm" sounds like the name of a death metal band. Wouldn't it suffice to say he's "cool, calm and collected"?

However it goes, it will be his way or some portion of the highway.

Get me to an on-ramp.

Barack Obama is not someone to be messed with or lied about when the issue is this important.

And yet he will be messed with by others. In the active voice, even.

Until they raise a better team and one with some intellectual integrity, the Republicans will remain overmatched.

Editors note to Stan. Take the unnecessary hyphen you used in lieu of a colon, and place it between "over" and "matched".

Wait, we're done? But, why is the title... What was the point of... WHY WAS THIS WRITTEN?

Damn you, passive Stan. Damn youuuuuu!


Anonymous peter said...

Seriously, I would love it if you just tore into one my my blog entries sometime. I'd consider it an honor.

12:24 PM  

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