Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Family From Lincoln

A Healthcare Debate Fable

(The scene: A family of five, A Mother, Father, and children: Eric, Stevie, and Zoe, is minding its own business one Sunday afternoon when the power goes off).

Father: Zounds.

Eric: Catastrophe.

Stevie: Now we are going to die.

Mother: I don't think so. I'll get the flashlights out. Go check the fuse box.

Eric: Mom, you idiot!

Father: He's right. The fuse box is in the basement.

Mother: To which we have access via the stairs!

Stevie: Your a racist, mom!

Father: I have a better idea, we'll close all the blinds.

Mother: But then we won't have any light.

Zoe: Yeah, I think we should keep them open.

Eric: Why, Zoe? Because you support the status quo?

Stevie: Racist! Status quo loving racist!

Zoe: I'm not racist.

Father: The fact that you are saying it proves you are a racist. I do not feel the need to explore my logic further. Honey, help me with these blinds.

Mother: I'm not helping you close the blinds. I want them open.

Eric: Great, so you want to do nothing.

Zoe: We don't want to do nothing. We want to get the flashlights for when it gets dark.

Stevie: Hey, why don't you make me a yellow star before it gets dark?

Zoe: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Eric: What I heard was "What the hell is that supposed to mean, boy?"

Zoe: He's eight years old. How is he not a boy?

Father: He's LBTGBQNTSEDZFGQKDF. You can't put Stevie in a corner.

Zoe: What does the 'Z' stand for?

Stevie: I wouldn't EXPECT you to know.

Mother: I'm getting the flashlight.

Father: No, I've locked them away.

Mother: That's ridiculous, they're right...

Father: You don't want the blinds closed? Fine! I'll cut holes in the ceiling to let the light in.

Mother: What? That's a terrible solution.

Eric: Well, since you won't help close the blinds, we have no choice.

Zoe: You could just wait and see if the power comes back on.

Stevie: Why, so you can kill more blacks?

Zoe: That has nothing to do with anything. I'm going to make some tea.

Eric & Stevie: Ha, ha! Teabagger! Teabagger!

Stevie: Why don't you make tea for your Jew boyfriend?

Eric: Um, we're Jewish.

Stevie: Yeah, but not, like, cabal-style.

Eric: Good point. Screw Israel!

Stevie & Eric: (fist bump)

Mother: Honey, please, if you cut holes in the ceiling, they'll condemn the house.

Father: Your just like the crazy lady next door. She won't let anyone cut holes in the ceiling either.

Mother: Well, Ms. Beck may be crazy, but she has a point on that one.

Stevie: Oh my God! Mom does whatever Ms. Beck says.

Eric: In fairness, mom's a whore.

Zoe: How is that even remotely fair?

Stevie: Shut up, racist!

Eric: We've been saying that mom's a whore for several months now. If we keep saying it, you have to admit it's probably true.

Mother: That's a terrible thing to say.

Eric: Mom, I went to Bennington. What I say automatically has merit.

Father: You know what, I'm getting Jerry from down the block and we're going to cut a hole in this ceiling.

Eric: Let there be light! That's what Jesus said.

Zoe: He didn't say that, and it wasn't said in this context.

Eric: I'm sorry. I don't put God in a box. A "context" box.

Mother: Honey. Jerry had a stroke. He's in a wheelchair. How is he going to help you cut a hole in the roof.

Eric: He has a PhD.

Stevie: I guess the disabled aren't good for anything, in your white housewife world.

Mother: He can't even move his arms.

Eric: "You can't move your arms, boy!" That's what you might as well have said.

Zoe: This doesn't make any sense!

Stevie: Yeah, well, they killed Galileo because he thought the Earth was round. Why don't you make out with your Jew boyfriend Galileo?

Mother: That doesn't make sense on any level.

Father: You know, the chainsaw cuts right through the insulation.

Mother: I'm leaving you.

Father: Oh, fine. You do that. We'll just be enjoying the awesome sunshine from the hole we drilled in the ceiling. Everyone will want to come over to our super-bright house.

Stevie: Enjoy life in Nebraska, racist!

Zoe: We already in Nebraska. I mean...

Mother: Never mind, dear. Come next November, you'll never have to see those men again.


Blogger Sarah said...

so by ignoring the idiots who want to take action, we're going to let them carry on with that action?
Mom should have punched dad in the face and Eric and Stevie should have been locked in the closet where they belong..... jus' sayin.

11:10 AM  

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