Friday, December 11, 2009

I don't normally use the word 'nadir', but...

Perusing the "cookbook" section of Barnes & Noble, I came across this curiosity.



This is happening, people.

At first, I shrugged it off as another episode of forced celebrity irony. Then the question occurred to me, who buys a cookbook ironically? I cannot think of anything less ironic then the purchase of a book the instructs one on how to prepare food for consumption. The only reasonable conclusion is that a publisher assumed there would be a market for Coolio's coolinary musings, whatever those may be.

Alliteration aside, why is Coolio inherently interesting as the subject of this particular fish out of water experience? Was he the one who did that "Sweet Potato Pie" song? I'll just assume so.

Let's judge a book by the cover, shall we?

Coolio, we are informed, is the ghetto gourmet. Fair enough. Someone has to do it. What does this entail?

I will, however, take issue with his preparation of eggs and bacon. Contrary to popular belief, forged by decades of Warner Brother's cartoons, it is inappropriate to put the entirety of your breakfast into the pan and flip it about.

Also, that breakfast is clearly on fire.

The "burner as DJ Table" motif is entirely troubling. First, Coolio is a rapper, not a DJ. Second, to the untrained eye it appears as though he is putting his palm directly on the stove, which is not advisable. Third, I'm pretty sure DJs don't do that to their records.

Also, the stove isn't on. Apparently, in the ghetto, the cook simply douses the prepartion with lighter fluid and sets it ablaze. This yields the oversized egg yolks we see pictured.

Strictly speaking, if you're going to superimpose a guy onto a kitchen, and he's wearing a pink shirt, why would you choose a lavender kitchen? Also, it looks like he's wearing a camel under his apron. Seriously, did he do this cover himself?

The "5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price" is inherently false, but I see what they're getting at.

I'll leave you with this thought. Coolio once got in a feud with Weird Al Yankovic over the latter's cover of Gangsta's Paradise. Like, refused to even accept Al's apology. Given the seriousness of the material, Coolio had a point.

He had a point. Now, instead, he has a cookbook. To which, if you are attempted to give this as a gag gift, I heartily recommend printing a picture of the cover, along with a donation to the intended recipient's favorite charity. That would be Cool. Io.

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