Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas, People!

My church refreshments ministry is leaving now to take on Western Rhode Island (6-5) in the Zyban Acrimony Bowl (live, Dec. 26th @ 8ET on ESPN Deportes). As such, I'll be infrequently checking this blog over the next few days.

I'll leave you with what has become a holiday tradition here at TPWK... Siphoning the equity of funnier people. Reprinted without his permission is The John Larroquette Projects reminiscence of the winter's first snow. See you in hell, Santa.

There’s something magical about the first snowfall of the season.

This year was even more special than most. Saturday morning, I woke up bleary-eyed and dragged myself out of my bedroom. Just as I was about to descend the stairs I noticed that the light coming in from the windows was unusually bright. I looked more closely and stopped in my place when I saw it – it had snowed!


It was beautiful. I stood hypnotized for a brief moment, softly reflecting on the wonderful little miracles that God provides for us. However, in the excitement of the moment I shamefully defecated down my legs.

Startled by this foul development, I lost my balance and my foot slipped on the newly-stained carpet. As I tumbled down the stairway, feces spraying all about the walls and my face, I noted to myself that the first snow brings out the child in all of us. I was merely reverting back to my childlike nature by crapping myself and falling headfirst into pain. When I landed on the cold tile of the kitchen, the sound of my tendons snapping pierced the stillness of the morning. As my dog began to lick the forbidden stains on the stairway walls, I knew that winter was finally here. In this moment of warm sentiment, I reached to try to pet Bailey, but my elbow was bent completely the wrong way and my forearm dangled unnaturally. I smiled to myself – all was well in my world. My body probably heal after a series of painful surgeries, my mother would be able to clean away my feces while wretching and dry heaving, all these things were temporary. ..

But the first snow? That lasts forever.*

Good afternoon.

*The snow melted the following afternoon.


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