Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Dodo Times

I should make it clear that I have never expected to read anything intelligent in TIME magazine. Literally, like, I went from being a kid who thought magazines were boring to a teenager who saw through the banality of the modern glossy press in, like, 18 seconds.

Can you blame me? Read this, from Joe Klein:

Absolutely amazing poll results from CNN today about the $787 (sic) stimulus package:

Absolutely amazing typo in your lede. Again, you get paid to do this, right?

nearly three out of four Americans think the money has been wasted.

Who is amazed by this result? How is that possible? What kind of Kevin Bacon fruitista freeze do you have to be sucking down to be astonished that most of America thinks the government pissed away its money?

On second thought, they may be right:

The arbitrary use of the colon has me worried. ':' is the new 'however'.

it's been wasted on them.

Insofar as they are still subscribing to TIME magazine, I am inclined to agree.

Indeed, the largest single item in the package--$288 billion--is tax relief for 95% of the American public.

Which has magically appeared into our paychecks, unbeknownst to us.

This money is that magical $60 to $80 per month you've been finding in your paycheck since last spring.

Wait, he's really using the word magical? Funny. But, per the above, yeah, we got nothin'. I must be the wealthy five percent. Good to know. My wife has been giving be guff about our yacht.

The next highest amount was $275 billion in grants and loans to states.

Which, people not being states, means nothing.

This is why your child's teacher wasn't laid off...

Your property tax dollars had nothing to do with it. They were spent on tacos.

and why the fire station has remained open,

In spite of the fact that your mayor bribed his rapey fire chief to go away, so as to save face...

and why you're not paying even higher state and local taxes to close the local budget hole.

But I am paying... This article... No sense... Blargh!

It turns out that what people are really upset about is all that wasteful money that has gone to political public works projects...

Oh, and the fact that the stimulus has done nothing to stimulate. You know, the whole bit about failing to achieve core functionality. People also get pissed when they order eggs and receive promises to replace the kitchen grill. Reason: They paid for (ihop)ing eggs.

except that the overwhelming portion of that money hasn't been spent yet.


Thereby negating everything you just wrote.

Remember all those "shovel-ready" projects? Well, they didn't exist.

That's confidence-inducing. Silly me, pretending to myself that this president is not completely full of shit. My bad. I'm not worthy of stimulus, so let's just give me back my tax money, howzabout?

The big jobs-creating projects like the rebuilt "smart" electric grid, major highways and fast trains will come on line during the next year.

In other words, don't even bother driving the Chicago 94 corridor until 2043.

(Although these projects might have gotten greater public support if they'd been chosen by a National Infrastructure Bank--a panel of experts, like the fed--that would have picked them according to their value added, rather than by the bozo appropriators in the Congress.)

Really, dumbass? You think? Also, I would have more respect for your crappy, sycophantic rag had you not been agitating in favor of the bozos for the last three-quarters of a century.

So, two thoughts:

Don't tax yourself, Joe.

1. The Obama Administration has done a terrible job explaining the stimulus package to the American people...especially since there have been very few documented cases of waste so far.

The president should sit down and explain that we should not expect much from the stimulus package, insofar as it is being administered by bozo appropriators. Then everyone will be on board.

2. This is yet further evidence that Americans are flagrantly ill-informed...

This from the most widely circulated current affairs magazine in history.

and, for those watching Fox News, misinformed.

Fox News has failed to make the case that the stimulus is being administered by bozos?

It is very difficult to have a democracy without citizens.

So begins the only paragraph to which Joe Klein has devoted a modicum of thought, I assure you.

It is impossible to be a citizen if you don't make an effort to understand the most basic activities of your government.

Which is comprised of bozos eager to not spend the money they extracted from you.

It is very difficult to thrive in an increasingly competitive world if you're a nation of dodos.

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