Thursday, January 07, 2010

Making Fun of DailyKos

Some person called Matate99 got a bite from the ol' satire bug, and has produced an incendiary piece profiling the typical Republican male. It's pretty awful. Let's dig in.


Joe Repubican 2030...A day in the life

I'd say Matate misspelled Republican, but liberals delight in finding endlessly clever (cleverly endless?) permutations of the word Republican. So this is either a lame-brained typo or a riff on the word "pubic".

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The coffee perks him up and gets him ready for his morning.

Matate has devoted his first two sentences to explaining how one prepares coffee, and the effects of its consumption. Riveting.

He then gets into his car and drives to work. The traffic on the highway is backed up but it's ok. Homeland Security is searching all vehicles before they cross over the river for bombs. Its a small price to pay after the great Golden Gate Bridge bombing of 2015.

This does not reak of prescience. For starters, world-reknowned bridges tend to occupy very liberal cities. Joe Republican doesn't have to worry about bridges, since he lives in one suburb and works in another. I just made this piece funnier. On accident.

When he gets to work he parks his car in lot far away from any of the office buildings and begins to walk. Its a small price to pay after the car bombing spree that Al Qaeda went on in 2022. At least the streets are clear of cars and he can walk down the boulevards.

How would this tactic help prevent car bombing? Does Allah forbid driving through roadblocks and over grass?

Before he makes it to his building he is stopped by a Homeland Security agent for a random strip search.

Or, alternately, he could just present his employee badge.

While at work he is interrupted by his companies security guard to check and see if he has any weapons hidden on him or in his desk.

Or, they could just require employees to present their badges. And if the employee happens to be Muslim, and starts talking about how killing infidels might not be such a bad thing, the company can promptly fire that person. I mean, unless the ACLU gets in the way, but we're talking about Joe Repubican, not Harvey Liberal.

Its a small price to pay after the over-worked under-paid accountants at Big National Bank went on a shooting spree in 2020.

Banks will almost assuredly have metal detectors, under the author's scenario.

When he is done he goes to the mall.

Like all Republican males do after a long day at work.

There he is put through another strip search before entering. Its a small price to pay after the North Korean terrorists set off a bomb in the Mall of America just last year.

I find it hard to believe that America will have eschewed the simplest solutions in favor of, hasty, arbitrary and intrusive... Oh, right.

While at the mall he sees that night's football game on TV.

Weeknight football will be popular by 2030, apparently. Maybe this is a Sunday, because Repubican Joe has to work seven days a week to make ends meet, all because of Repubicans.

There are no fans in the stands as that was banned.

That or he's watching the Lions take on the Jackrabbits (expansion team added in 2015). Daunte Culpepper is STILL filling in for an injured Matthew Stafford.

After receiving another random strip search he purchases the new movie that just came out. He can no longer see it in a theater as they have all been shut down. Its a small price to pay after Hezbollah set a bomb off in a theater back in 2027.

Has Matate ever heard of Israel? 'Cause they have ways of aggressively monitoring... Oh, wait, they were wiped off the map after Obama ignored Iran's nuclear bomb production in 2013.

When he gets home he sits down in front of the TV and sees that there has been another terrorist attack.

Repubican Joe does not have a smart phone, for some reason.

Joe screams at the TV, "What is this countries problem? We need to send in more troops, build thick cement walls around all churches, and ban gasoline tanker trucks. What a stupid idea...trucks loaded with gasoline."

When and where have Republicans been clamoring for these heavy-handed security tactics? Matate is parodying a meme that really doesn't exist. If anything, the dude should be screaming about the fact that a North African was given access to a gasoline tanker truck.

It's the unwillingness to create different security strata for different profiles that necessitates comprehensive approaches. Or at least that's what Repubican Joe would argue.

He shakes in head and gets angry at those sissy liberals who allowed this to happen.

Wait, that's the end? That was abrupt.