Thursday, February 25, 2010

You know those illegal interrogation techniques?

It looks like Congress is finally getting around to banning them. Today, under the shadow of the Barack Obama Healthslam Invitational, the Democrats stuck some provisions into the intel bill to forbid the CIA from cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment.

What does that mean? Well, it includes, but is not limited to the following:

Forcing the individual to be naked, perform sex acts, or pose in a sexual manner.

Tough to disagree with this one.

Beatings, electric shock, burns or other forms of inflicting physical pain.

Ergonomically correct chairs and yoga instructors will be required. Do you think I'm joking? I am not joking.


Why do you have to ban something that was already illegal? I mean, why waste the ink? Also, why are they only banning this now? They could have tacked on an anti-waterboarding provision to the stimulus package and gotten it passed.

Using military working dogs

What the hell is the point of having dogs if you can't use them? Pets? Does any normal person sincerely care if dogs are part of the interrogation process? Anyone at all?

Inducing hypothermia or heat injury

I like how the verbiage casually tosses in "dog use" amongst the burning and raping.

Depriving the individual of necessary food, water, sleep or medical care.

Memory foam pillows in every cell!

Conducting mock executions of the individual

Because tricking a suicide bomber into thinking he's going to die is just wrong.

Using force, or threat of force to compel an individual to maintain a stress position.

On second thought, cancel the yoga instructor.

Exploiting phobias of an individual

All interrogation rooms must be spider free. But what if they have agoraphobia? Is there going to be a demand for free range detainees?

Using force or the threat of force to coerce an individual to desecrate the individual's religious articles, or to blaspheme his or her religious beliefs, or to otherwise engage in acts intended to violate the individual's religious beliefs.

Um, their religious belief is that if they blow people up, they get a magic warp whistle to the Champagne Room in Islamoheaven. Our whole mission is to violate their stupid religious beliefs.

Making threats against any individual that, if carried out, would result in death or serious bodily injury to that individual.

And the award for most awkwardly worded provision goes to...

Exposure to excessive cold, heat, or cramped confinement.

You hear that, Motel 6? You're not even good enough for terrorists!

Sensory deprevation or overload, including the following:

I. Prolonged Isolation

I'm sure this nebulously defined term will never be used for politically motivated prosecutions in the future.

II. Placing hoods or sacks over the heads of the individual

What about bags? Or funny hats? Is it torture if we issue them a Lions Cap?

III. Applying duct tape over the eyes of the individual

At this point, their just going through the handbooks of college fraternities. They should also ban chugging, though I suppose that goes with the religious thing.

This is great, I'm glad that congress took the time to do this. I was always worried that our CIA interrogators were engaging in behaviors including, but not limited to, dog use. We can all rest a little easier knowing that, if we are ever caught trying to murder Americans en masse, we will never have to suffer the indignity of being inconvenienced.


Blogger Sarah said...

Meh, making something illegal doesn't mean it won't still happen.

1:43 PM  

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